Neuroplasticity

I used to think that change wasn’t possible—that what you saw was what you got. I felt like I was already set, finished. But fortunately, that’s not the case. We can change, sometimes in pretty big ways. This ability to “rewire” our brains is called neuroplasticity. It turns out, our minds are much more like plastic than we think—they can be reshaped. What a hopeful thought! It means we really can become better versions of ourselves, and our well-being can improve. Research shows that about 40% of our well-being comes from our intentions and actions. That’s a lot of potential for positive change!

But here’s the kicker: change doesn’t happen on its own. It requires awareness and intentional effort. If you’re trying to build a new habit, it takes an average of 66 days of consistent practice before it becomes second nature. So, start small—take manageable steps and be patient with yourself.

Let’s say you want to become more thoughtful. To get there, create daily opportunities where you can practice. Look for moments when you can act thoughtfully—whether that’s listening more deeply or doing something kind. Frame your day with a “thoughtful” lens, noticing how others express thoughtfulness too. Bring it into your conversations. Share your goal with those close to you and ask them to acknowledge when you’ve done something thoughtful. Keep track of your progress by journaling your small wins—celebrating even the smallest moments of success. It’s a great way to boost your positive emotions and keep yourself motivated.

Of course, there will be days when it feels like nothing’s changing. That’s normal. Change takes time. Over those 66 days and beyond, your brain will begin to reprogram itself. Little by little, what once felt awkward will start to feel more natural.

Neuroplasticity is proof that we can change for the better. It might be gradual, sometimes clumsy, but the rewards are worth it. So, go for it. Embrace the process of growth. You’ve got this!

Emotions, Solutions (or Just Listen)

Sometimes I ask someone how they’re doing, and they really open up—the emotional kind of open. Highs, lows, worries, old wounds. And without thinking, I start offering advice. “Here’s what you should do…” or “Maybe try this…” It’s meant to be helpful, but it often lands flat. The person goes quiet, or their energy dips. I’ve learned the hard way—they weren’t asking for solutions. They just wanted to be heard.

You’ve probably seen this play out too.

Some people need to talk things through—not to be fixed, but to be felt with. Just speaking the words out loud helps them clear space inside. They’re not looking for advice, just someone to sit with them while they release the pressure.

Others only open up when they’re hoping for guidance. They’re already running through options in their head and want help sorting it out. When they speak, they’re inviting input.

Neither is right or wrong. It’s just how people are wired. But it gets tricky when the person listening assumes the wrong thing. That’s where the trouble starts.

So how do we find our footing?

First, by really listening. Not just waiting for our turn to speak—but actually tuning in. Are they using words that reflect emotion? Or are they focused on the practical side of things? Pay attention to their pace, their tone, their cues. And before jumping in, ask a simple question: “Would you like some thoughts, or should I just listen?” That one line can change everything.

And if you’re the advice-giving type (I know I am), the hardest part might be biting your tongue. But trust me—most of the time, what people need isn’t a solution. It’s a safe space. A little quiet. A nod of understanding.

Because talking helps. Being heard heals. And sometimes, that’s more than enough.

So here’s the heart of it:

LISTEN CAREFULLY, SAY LITTLE, LET GO OF JUDGEMENT AND ASK IF ADVICE IS USEFUL BEFORE GIVING IT.

Multi-Tasking and Listening

Can we really do two MEANINGFUL things at the same time? Not just walking and chewing gum—that’s easy. But something like having a real conversation with a friend while planning tomorrow’s big to-do list in your head. Or trying to solve two proper problems at once. It sounds impressive in theory, but in practice? Not so much. Usually, both things end up done halfway, and you’re left feeling scattered.

For a while, multi-tasking had a bit of a golden glow about it. People wore it like a badge of honour. The more tasks you could juggle, the more capable and productive you seemed. But lately, that thinking is starting to shift. More and more, we’re beginning to realise that doing lots at once often means doing nothing particularly well.

Turns out, the brain doesn’t actually multitask the way we thought it did. It flicks back and forth between things, which leaves us with split attention and not much depth. That kind of scattered focus isn’t just inefficient—it’s exhausting. You’re not really present with any of it.

And nowhere is this more noticeable than in our conversations. Listening—truly listening—is one of the most generous things we can offer someone. But how often are we fully tuned in? Not glancing at our phone, or thinking about what we’ll say next, or ticking off a mental list while nodding politely. Just properly being there.

It's hard work, being that present. And it matters. Often, how closely we listen reflects how much we value the person we’re talking to. Next time you’re in a chat, try checking in: Am I here? Or am I just filling the silence until it’s my turn to speak? Am I trying to be interesting, or trying to understand?

These questions can be a bit uncomfortable, sure. But they’re worth asking. I know I’ve got plenty of room to grow. Some days I do better than others. But I’m trying.

Because one thing I’m learning—slowly—is that doing one thing with care and presence beats doing five things halfway. Especially when it comes to the people who matter.

One conversation at a time. That’s more than enough.

*: Travis Bradberry, Ph.D. Multitasking Damages Your Brain and Your Career, 2014 TalentSmart® www.talentsmart.com.

What Is Wealth?*

Wealth is often perceived solely in terms of financial assets, but this perspective is both simplistic and limiting. Let's explore a broader, more nuanced understanding of wealth.

Consider 94 year old Warren Buffett, whose net worth is approximately $130 billion (2024). Now, think about the concept of time as a form of wealth. A person in their twenties has an expected remaining life of around two billion seconds; someone in their fifties has about one billion seconds; and at my age, I have roughly three hundred million seconds left. Each are billionaire (except me). Who is wealthier in this context? Would Warren Buffett trade his billions for the time that younger individuals possess? This thought experiment illustrates that financial wealth is just one dimension of a multifaceted concept.

In reality, wealth encompasses various forms, including:

1. Financial Wealth: The monetary assets and resources one control.

2. Time Wealth: The availability of time to pursue meaningful activities and personal interests.

3. Social Wealth: The depth and quality of relationships and social connections.

4. Mental Wealth: One's psychological well-being and intellectual growth.

5. Physical Wealth: The state of one's health and physical fitness.*

6. Spiritual Wealth: A sense of purpose and alignment with one's core (soul) values. I added this one.

Each of these "accounts" contributes to our overall sense of prosperity and fulfilment. Focusing exclusively on financial wealth can lead to imbalances, potentially neglecting health, relationships, or personal growth. Conversely, nurturing these other forms of wealth can enrich our lives in ways that money alone cannot, but we will likely end up poorer but much the happier.

Achieving true wellness requires a holistic approach, recognizing and cultivating all dimensions of wealth. By maintaining balance across these areas, we can lead more fulfilling lives and avoid the pitfalls of overemphasizing any single aspect.

In summary, wealth is a multifaceted construct that extends beyond mere financial assets. By broadening our definition to include time, social connections, mental and physical health, and spiritual fulfilment, we can pursue a more balanced, joyful, prosperous and enriched life.  We can all be billionaires if we play our cards wisely and mindfully.

*: The 5 Types of Wealth by Sahil Bloom

The Genesis of My Reflections

Why did I start writing my reflections on January 2nd, 2019?  That is  a fair question.  Boredom, ego, money or feeling blessed?  I know it was  the latter. Over the course of my life there have been many people who have influenced me positively, but a few stand out in terms of these reflections. I have been blessed to meet three accidental influencers, and have had one epiphany, and I wanted to share these blessings.

The first influencer was Chris, in the early  Nineties.  Chris was a young, German, PhD candidate who seemed to be forever joyful and enthusiastic.  I was so impressed by Chris’s positive nature, and I surmised that his uplifting attitude was based on a deliberate choice: he decided he was going to have a  positive attitude, no matter what.  My take-away from Chris was that a large part of your wellness is determined by your intentions, by how you mindfully chose to feel, regardless of your circumstances.

The second influencer was Bill, in the early Noughties.  Bill was a learner that I mentored early in his career.  Bill subsequently became a very successful and influential accounting professional. Bill and I told each other that we had the best jobs in the world, given our natural disposition.  We had found our calling and had unreservedly bought into believing our employment was a complete, purposeful joy.  But what really influenced me was that Bill independently also uses the SMALLER CUP analogy.  The lesson of the smaller cup is that living out of a sense of gratitude and opportunity opens up immense possibilities of joy, excitement  and wonder.  It is about making our present moments and tomorrows feel bountiful and blessed.  It is very encouraging to meet a person who shares and affirms two of my core values.

The third influencer was Andrew, who I met in Hong Kong in 2009.  Andrew is a Christian brother who one day commented, “Johan, you just naturally (re)frame your  experiences into positive, hopeful  and joyful events.”  Andrew’s casual comment resonated with me, and for years I wondered why I  was instinctively my own positive spin doctor.  The moral of (re)framing is to train your mind to instinctively interpret your experiences in a positive, realistic and hopeful way.  Generally, the benefits of  positive (re)framing are very high, and the downside of increased optimism is extremely low.  Andrew’s influence was to inspire me to understand this reframing mindset and share it in these reflections.

The fourth and most profound influence occurred on a train somewhere in Brazil in 2007,  at the start of my 14 month epic travelogue all over the world.  For whatever reason, a short summary of my Christian faith came to me:  Let go, Let God, Let good.  If anything defines me and my disposition, it is this six word mantra.  The lesson learned is that letting go of control and letting a providential God who loves you take control will result in you being richly blessed, IF YOU LET HIM.  Restated, empower and accept goodness, and let go of selfish control and entitlement. 

For at least forty years, I have puzzled and pondered how to be enthusiastic, authentic and live life to the full.  At the very essence of my perspective on life are these four themes.  These reflections are an attempt to share the why and how of Johan and perhaps encourage you to ponder your own life reflections and lessons.

A question you may want to dwell on might be,  “Who or what defined and moulded me?”  Well worth  the ponder.

Shalom-Shalom (perfect peace)

The Golden Rule Plus

The Golden Rule wisely states:

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

This is an excellent guideline, but can this rule become less of a maximum and more of a minimum?  For example, how about:

Do unto others AT LEAST as you would have others do unto you. 

So what? you comment: what is the intended difference?  The basic Golden Rule can occasionally sound like a quid-pro-quo, reciprocity arrangement.  It can feel like a barter arrangement or expectation management process: fair trade which is indeed equitable and useful BUT…. can we do better?

By adding “at least”, the most powerful well-being exercise is enabled, which is kindness or better still, random acts of kindness.  Doing three acts of kindness a week (preferably on the same day) will improve your well-being.  The harder you push the kindness, and the more random and anonymous it is, the more enhancing to your spirits it becomes.

Going the exact mile is easy as the road is rarely crowded. *  The second mile is generally even easier than the first.  The momentum of your kindness is already in play and the rewards for others (and yourself) actually scales up and multiples. As Matthieu Ricard notes, altruism** is one of the defining and highest of human ambitions, enabling wellness and joyfulness.  By adding, AT LEAST to the Golden Rule the bounty of kindness and compassion is brought more clearly into focus and practice.

Being kind or altruistic until it begins to bite or seem inconvenient has the wonderful quality of making our compassion and charity feel special and uplifting.  Practice doing unto others as you would have them do unto you, regularly, and then once in the while, push a little harder or further.  Like any exercise, this extra excursion strengthens your kindness muscles and make you more naturally compassionate.

*: Wayne Dryer

**: Matthieu Ricard, Altruism, The Science and Psychology of Kindness

Telescope or Microscope?

Are you viewing life through a telescope of wonder and promise?  Or are you viewing life through a microscope of what is missing and remiss?  Are you looking upwards with awe and amazement or looking inward with disappointment and longing? 

When I look upwards, whether at the moon, clouds, blue sky or that distant hill it usually inspires me about the awesomeness of my surroundings and good fortune.  Pleasure and joy are the more frequent emotions.  When I look forward, I do see beauty but also walls, traffic, and other obstacles. I feel grounded and grateful for my bounty. When I look down, I too often see litter, cracks in the sidewalk and don’t feel especially positive.  And when I start looking inward what I see too often is what is missing, not what is there.

 It is essential to be mindful of your circumstances and challenges, and to have compassion for those that are less blessed. These microscopic perspectives on your present moment keep you grounded and real.  But does this depict the present moment as an opportunity full of promise or just more of the same-old same-old?  Being introspective or retrospective limits the possible perspective of looking upward at a richer now.

Telescoping upward in your present moment opens wonder.  Have you ever looked at the moon on a clear night, or a view of a distant mountain, or a seascape and felt disappointment?  Yet when your microscope inward do your spirits generally improve?  Yes, please ponder who you are, where you are at and mystery of life.  But spend at least as much time looking up at all the beauty around and above you.

Given a choice of whether to use a microscope or a telescope to look for what is and isn’t there, give me the telescope any time.  What is beyond is infinite and limitless, whereas what is within is finite and limited. Do spend more time looking upwards: there is a lot out there that is outside our imaginations.

 Please be kind, patient and thoughtful to your partner and others.

NO PLAN B

A few years ago, I moved to another continent and country.  The culture, climate and everything in-between was new and very different from much that I was used to.  Regularly, before and after the move, people asked me the same questions, being: “Why?” and “How are you enjoying the change?”  It was as though they expect me to complain or regret my choice.  But my reply is always the same: “There is no Plan B so I am determined to make Plan A a wonderful success!”

The absence of a viable alternative or obviously better plan is such a blessing.  But the real point is not the absence of a substitute, but rather the total decision not to give any other arrangement any air or space to fester.  

Very occasionally, you have to make big choices where the decision precludes and includes many subsequent aspects of your life.  Choosing a partner, career, home, place to live, or employer are just a few of such binary (Yes/No) dilemmas. 

A good way to undermine your final selection is to second guess your conclusion, regret your conclusion, ask “What if?” and/or replay your decision making process. It sounds like even after your selection there still seems to be a Plan B on the table.  But there isn’t, unless your decision was half-hearted and naïve.

When you are in one of those Plan A or B decision moments, do spend the time making the trade-offs, and weighing the pros and cons.  But also acknowledge in advance there will be elements of regret and disappointment, as this is the nature of life.  With informed consent, you need to buy-in accordingly, and let go of any cognitive dissonance (after the fact regret).

Living your life as though there is always a Plan B out there significantly depreciates your well-being.  You are trapped in the puzzle of reliving your past, corrupting your future and hollowing out your present moments.  Buying into your Plan A and perpetually upgrading it makes the very thought of Plan B unwanted and unwarranted.  

Once Plan A is in play, THERE IS NO LONGER A PLAN B (THANKFULLY)!

 Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

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NOTHING IN LIFE IS QUITE AS IMPORTANT AS YOU THINK IT IS, WHILE YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT IT

Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel Prize winning economist, made this brilliant observation about our human condition and mindset. We fret and focus on matters that at the time seem immensely important or urgent, but likely are just the day-to-day events of a normal life.  Yes, there are important matters that confront us and warrant our undivided attention, but they are fortunately few in number.  Health, career, relationships, financial issues, the weather, deadlines and emotional issues crop up in our mind all the time, and we awfulize and replay them until they seem to become all that matters. 

Our mind is a poor judge of putting things in perspective and ranking their importance.  With thousands of moments and thoughts each day, our mind is ripe for debating trivial matters just to fill its day.

So, what can you do to manage your wild mind?  Start by laughing at most of these impulses as if they were scenes in a TV sit-com.  After all, aren’t they just absurd exaggerations of the present moment?  Are your worries statistically possible or probable?  Question the underlying beliefs and hypothesis that these thoughts are based on.  How much of the underlying concern is just conjecture, or based on incomplete information? Do you have a natural tendency to imagine the worst case scenario, not the best?

Observe that many of these “important” matters are actually rather mundane matters that just need to be attended to, so just note them down and do them.  Test these issues that are overwhelming you by imagining the worst-case outcome and honestly consider just how awful that eventuality would really be.  How much of a resilience test would that scenario be?  If resolution is beyond your control, then accept that there is nothing you can do and move on.  Objectively challenge your subjective judgements and thoughts.

If this thought that you are dwelling on is really important, sequentially plan how to address it.  Re-visit the matter after writing it down and then not thinking about it for a while, and consider sharing your concern with someone else who may bring a different perspective to the table. 

Once you have made all the plans that you can, most importantly, let go of these thoughts – worrying will not change anything. Remember, nothing in life is quite as important as you think it is, while you’re thinking about it.

Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

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HOW LONG IS NOW?

With so much mention about “being in the now or moment” it seems a fair question to ask: ”How long is now?”  NOW is defined as the length of time that you can be aware of something before your awareness moves on to something else. Different estimates abound, ranging from one to ten seconds long, averaging between two and three seconds for each discreet NOW moment. (1) 

That means you experience between 10,000 and 20,000 NOWS during each waking day. However you remember almost none of these NOW moments.  Does this forgetfulness dismiss the importance of being the moment?  NO! 

As Bill Keane, the cartoonist of Family Circle said in 1984:   “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a GIFT.  That’s why it’s called the present.”

At any one moment there are three different NOW selves potentially engaged. These selves are your experiencing (present) self, your remembering (past) self and your planning (future) self.  Each of these selves is fighting for your awareness.  Unfortunately, the past (regretting) self wins most of your NOW awareness, followed the future (worrying or anxious) self and the present (mindful) self just hangs around being rather dis-engaged.

You cannot productively use all those three second moments as present gifts, but you can improve and re-prioritize your mind to think more effectively.  Whereas 99.9% of these NOWs are fleeting, deliberately engage with the 0.001% of them (about 20 per day) and make them real and alive.  Bring a smile to your face.  Pause, take a breath, look about and engage as many of your senses as you can. Once in the while cause a NOW moment to become a genuine memory worthy of sharing with others and remembering for a few days.  Do something exciting, uniquely different and spontaneous.  And make it your mission at least four or five times a year to create a celebration that you will use to frame the year by.   This isn’t taking a selfie and putting it on your Facebook, but rather experiencing something that you will privately cherish and smile about as you re-count this year several years later.  Cause some NOW milestones!!

Annually you have around five million NOW moments, so make some of these present moments a gift to yourself.

 Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

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(1): Marc Wittmann, Felt Time: The Psychology of How We Perceive Time, (MIT Press, 2016) 

ASK YOUR FRIENDS WHO YOU ARE

Often we are the last one to really know what is going on in our life. We may be sad, lost, less fit or a chore to be around but we don’t really know or believe it. But our friends and associates certainly do.

One especially useful time to involve others in your journey is when you are making career, retirement or finding our purpose dilemmas. We think we know what we like or want but by design we are biased and subjective. Your friend may be biased in that they like you but more importantly they see you as you are and behave. What they see is your strengths and weakness as they have had to adjust and accept them. Friends see what you are better or worse at because they can see how others reacted to your actions.

Bob Buford* described the process of discovering who you are by asking friends as seismic testing; where you allow others to drill into your personality and tell you what they observe and have discovered. These other set of eyes and hearts can be especially telling. Remembering these are friends and they are looking out for your well-being, they are certain to focus more on your abilities and steer you away from folly. Their precise insights may confirm or refute your plans, but at the very less their comments should be considered carefully.

Wonderfully, personal seismic testing let you know how others observe the consequences of your actions.

Asking questions such as “What do you (your friend):

“think I am especially effective (ineffective) at?”

“observe from the reactions of others that I do well (poorly)?”

“consider to be some of my more useful (weak) technical skills?”

“think I would be especially good at doing?”

“recommend would be the wisest new skill I develop to master my strengths (or tame my weaknesses)?”

“wish I would just stop doing as it is especially annoying to others?”*

Asking close friends how you actually come across is useful advice when you are looking for direction and purpose. They likely know a lot more about you than you imagine. And do listen carefully to what they say and observe, it may be positively inspiring.

*Half Time, Moving from Success to Signifance by Bob Buford

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Less Attachment

One of the core principles of Buddhism is the notion of non-attachment.  Buddhists believe that attachment (clinging onto things) is the root of suffering.  It is hard to disagree that strong attachment to possessions can frequently lead to or increase suffering.  Materialism is hardly the road to well-being.

Recently during the night someone stole my shiny new mountain bike, and my attachment tendencies were tested.  Yes, I fussed about the loss for a few minutes, and then I came to a decision: should I ruminate (attachment) or let go (detachment).  Letting go took the sting out of the loss and made getting on with my day very easy. By noon the sense of loss was gone.

As I reflected on my loss, I had to decide whether I was a janitor or security guard of my belongings and captured by them or someone with a fortunate short-term lease.  Borrowing, using, enjoying and letting go is so much more peaceful and less stressful.

Please don’t assume that I do not have an attachment nature and cling to nothing.  No way!  I do appreciate my creature comforts and possessions (travel watch, music, photos) but focus on the joy and gratitude I experience when using them.  Being attached to fewer things and savouring those fewer things certainly beats accumulating and worrying about your belongings. 

As I thought about the theft more, I took a mental inventory of my possessions that I truly lament were I to forfeit them.  What was left was a few material items of significant sentimental value (but limited market value), and the rest was baggage.  Wonderful memories quickly came to the forefront as my more prized possessions, and these cannot be readily forfeited.  Remembering your blessings is an attachment worth cherishing.

Take your own inventory; if the list is too long, consider whether you have become the janitor and watch person and have been captured by your attachments.  Less attachment and more active sharing and gratitude are worthwhile attachments.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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BEING and/or DOING?

We seem to spend so much time doing that we forget we are human beings, not human doings. But how does one get from doing to being? By recognizing that the only thing we have is the present moment – the past is past, and the future is still ahead of us. We need to live in the NOW.

There are two cycles we are perpetually involved in: the doing and the being aspects of life.  The DOING, DO, DONE loop of life is important but it should not overwhelm the BE, BEING sequence.   Regularly one should acknowledge that actions and busyness are FINISHED, and it is time to smell the coffee and savour and relish the moment.

Just being in the moment means appreciating what has been done, being quiet, and being at peace.  It means consciously stopping and evaluating before you go from one relentless task to another. That is what NOW is all about.  Regularly taking an inventory of your blessings, achievements and progress settles the spirit and improves your well-being.

Forever pursuing tasks and doing more is exhausting and is well served with the occasional reflective moments.  Maybe meditation is not your cup of tea but invent your own calming exercises.  Setting aside chill out breaks recharges the brain, encourages creative thinking, problem solving and well-being. 

 Four of the ten positive emotions are about experiencing and being in the moment.  They are amusement, awe, inspiration and interest.  Being in the now means engaging your various senses to non-judgementally savour and capture whatever is around you.  Challenge yourself to smile, find beauty and joy in what is going around you.   There are so many grand things going on around and within you, but maybe you just aren’t seeing them. 

 Challenge your powers of observation to record the amusing, awesome, inspiring and interesting things about your present moment. You might find this very hard to begin with, but practice makes it easier, and it will improve your mood and probably your productivity too!

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Habits

Confucius noted that “All humans are the same, except for their habits.” 

Habits are your natural tendencies or practices.  They determine how you behave or react to a situation and they are automatic reflexes, often unconsciously made.  We are all largely the same biologically, but we differ in how we behave or react to things.

Given that habits define your uniqueness and personality, then maturing habits that enhance contentment and wellness would be constructive. I have struggled to make my intentional activities (the 40% I control, see graph below) habitual and more beneficial.  Learning to be grateful, positive and reframing problems to possible thinking took a lot of mindful effort.  However, with practice these responses and perspectives became my natural habits - my default reaction.

Habits do have a pattern in their formation.  Repeating the same behavior consistently, deliberately and with mindful determination, for on average for 66 days, make a behavior or response automatic and habitual.   The wonderful reward of building wellness and contentment habits is that you get a subtle but real reward almost immediately and sub-consciously; you feel better quite quickly.  But just like medicine, once you start to feel improved health you often stop taking the medicine.  So also with wellness habits. 

Positive psychology suggests that the most useful and easiest well-being habit to mature is gratitude.  Start a gratitude journal to note your blessings, finding three to five things to be grateful for EVERY day.  Express internally or externally gratitude at every available opportunity (and especially when you are in a difficult situation).  Search for wonder in your present moment. 

Design your wellness program and invest 66 days to see what happens.  Nothing to lose- just take baby steps, one habit at a time.

Think about looking at some of your strengths and making them more habitual and regular.

What other well-being habits might you want to cultivate?

Ø  seeking opportunities for service

Ø  delaying gratification to its most opportune moment

Ø  exercising

Ø  working with your willpower to make it stronger

Ø  wanting less

Ø  practicing resilience

Ø  looking for opportunities to express your purpose.   

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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For further reading, if you are interested:

How are habits formed: Modelling Habit Formation in the Real World,  Phillippa Lally,  Cornelia H. M. van Jaarsveld,  Henry W. W. Potts,  Jane Wardle; European Journal of Social Psychology, 16 July 2009, https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.674.

RESILIENCE

Recently I visited a museum which aimed to highlight the living conditions of the local working class population at various time intervals in history – it went back to 1805 and then each subsequent house advanced on another 50 years. What immediately struck me was how primitive and harsh life was back then, and more alarming still, two of the examples were from 1955 and 1985 in the UK.  Some of the examples had no flush toilets, hot running water, central heating, vacuum cleaners, colour TV or many of the other conveniences we assume are necessities today.

 I speculated that life then had as many wonderful and special moments of joy and wellness as we have today.  Then, as now, likely 30% of those living in the UK would have rated their life as very happy (see September 23 Reflection, THE EXCHANGE RATE BETWEEN MONEY AND WELLNESS).  Once the hurdle of serious poverty is overcome, more money does not translate into more wellness. 

As I looked at these simpler environments of earlier generations, I admired the bravery and determination of those bygone years and wondered what the missing link today was?   Resilience and tenacity, I concluded.  Life was tough, creature comforts were limited, but people still got up in the morning with purpose and a smile.

 Unfortunately, today we seem to expect comfort and convenience or else we complain.  Rather than looking inside for purpose we turn to Amazon or the internet for a remedy.  A better prescription would be resilience.  Training one’s resilience occurs when one mindfully adjusts to and positively embraces your current circumstance, especially when it is less than ideal. 

 Being without something you want, savouring the longing and then resolving that you are better without it matures your emotional suppleness and makes you a better person.  Being determined to want less and being grateful for what you have demonstrates what your real needs are.  This focuses your tenacious energy to do what is necessary to achieve your higher goal. 

 Wonderfully, exercising one’s resilience and tenacity is, of itself, empowering, joyful and uplifting.

  Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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WHAT IS YOUR NOW?

One of the more critical experiences of wellness is being in the present moment rather than dwelling in the past or speculating about the future.  Our past self has special skills of ruminating and regretting past transgression.  Our future self is trained to worry and anxiously anticipate what might go wrong or be less successful.  This begs the question as to what our PRESENT mindfulness is.

 Contrasts are useful for depicting the range within our emotional reactions.  For instance, I like the emotion of being amused and its opposite for me is being annoyed.  Amusement is being curious, alert and open to unexpected and delightful things that are happening to me at this present moment. Being annoyed starts with critically judging whatever you are experiencing and letting life’s imperfections overwhelm the wonder of that moment.

 What emotions do you naturally use to frame your present moment?  Do you come from wonder, curiosity and praise or is judging, desiring perfection and being critical your default reflex?  Being mindful in the present moment is a challenge.  Deliberately selecting a frame of mind can enhance and enable being in a better place.  I have experimented with various emotional adjectives and found that being AMUSED jump started my immediate moment.  Rather than having a blank canvas for the present moment, just adding a touch of amusement opened up so much grandeur and joy.  Try starting with amusement, and then change and add being annoyed.  Doesn’t everything about the moment change?

 How you frame your PRESENT is an awesome thought experiment and experience.  Maybe amusement does not work for you, so then actively seek out your preferred positive mindset. Next, play around with related feelings and add even more context around that momentary flash.  Being in the present moment is uplifting and with limited effort the present can be expanded, deepened and prolonged.  Own your NOW, and make it yours. 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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DOOMSCROLLING

Do you ever find yourself following a news topic on the internet that has unsettling overtones?  At the start of the Covid crisis, I found myself doing just this. Unfortunately, the news cycle profits from promoting troubling topics.  Our curiosity is twigged by the unusual or traumatic, and sometimes others’ misfortune gives us comfort and a sense of shared misery if we are feeling hard done by. 

 News has become a form of entertainment, where someone else’s tragedy or circumstances become interesting, but without the engagement of our empathy or compassion. We can read it and move on.  Often these articles can generalise and rely on poor statistical extrapolation.  Remote and one-off occurrences can seem frightening and more likely to happen to us than is really likely: they become an exaggerated risk to us, as part of a human population of over eight billion. 

 I have just learned recently that this is called doomscrolling* or doomsurfing.   Doomscrolling refers to the tendency to surf or scroll through bad news, even though that news is saddening, disheartening, or depressing.  Eventually doomscrolling can lead to heightened levels of anxiety and a distorted sense of reality. If we are not careful, we can find ourselves doing this late in the evening, and then it can start to affect our dreams and our sleep. 

 What intrigued me about my own doomscrolling was that when looking at the same topic from different news sources it suggested that there were parallel universes at play: the same event can be reported very differently by different  news sources.  Not only was my doomsurfing unsettling, but I was becoming a pawn in a divisive ideological battle over the truth.  Complex issues were reduced to the least number of variables, and only those facts that suited a particular narrative were presented.

 How do you manage web surfing and scrolling to control the doom dimension?  To begin, acknowledge that you are doing it, and manage this addiction at the start by doing it less frequently.  Next, de-couple from the internet thirty minutes before going to bed.  Leave your smart device outside the bedroom.  Deliberately choose the issues you follow and news sources you use.  Most importantly, acknowledge your keenness to dwell on the doom and gloom and look for alternative uplifting news.  Perhaps you can use Judge Earl Warren’s suggestion as a  doomscrolling guide:

 I turn to the sports page first, which records people’s accomplishments.  The front page has nothing but man’s failures.

 *: The Macquarie Dictionary as the 2020 Committee's Choice Word of the Year.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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MINDFULLY QUEUEING

Is it just me, or am I spending more time in longer queues these days? Remember when getting on a flight was a 45-minute event?  Check-out lines seem to be longer and slower, even with bar codes.  And a 10-minute delay on your car journey was the exception, not the rule!  While delays have become longer and more frequent, my patience seems to have become shorter and less kindly.

 Recently I decided that my reaction to queueing was raining on my parade, and something needed to be done as the problem was not going away.  What I noted was that my annoyance reaction was very regular, escalating and predictable.  What are those emotions that swell up when I see the queue?  Taking an inventory, they included being impatient,  annoyed, frustrated, trying a short cut or switching queues (which rarely works), being judgemental, alleging incompetence and throwing in a bit of rage in for good measure.  Later on, I always felt a sense of disappointment in myself that I let the matter get the better of me.  And finally, after ventilating my frustration with others, I realized that the delay was inconsequential.

 Knowing these and other reactions were coming up when the inevitable line-up presented itself, I now try to mindfully go through these cascading feelings without actually expressing them.  Curiously and wonderfully, if I mindfully know that soon I will be angry, annoyed, judgmental and unkind these emotions seem to become less menacing or prolonged.  However, by mindfully acknowledging that I am disappointed at being the ninths (or the ninetieth) person in the queue does seem to make the delay feel shorter and helps me to avoid over-reacting.

 Logically and rationally, we know that impatience is rarely helpful.  Therefore,  allow yourself the mindful escape of imaging these emotions without actually going through them.  And the next time you are in a swelling queue, take a deep breath and acknowledge that momentary impatience without letting it get the better of you.

  Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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SELF-MOTIVATED

Sandra Richter noted:

“The difference between work and play is who is making you do it.”*

For most of my career I would describe my employment arrangement as being paid to play.   How so??

First, I absolutely convinced myself that I enjoyed what I was doing . In particular, I reminded myself how fortunate I was when I was doing the least preferred aspect of my job (marking assignments).

Second, I became obsessed with being self-motivated.   I was at play, not work. I wasn’t working for the man; I was working for me. I wanted to be doing what I was doing.

Third, I set small daily goals so I could continuously achieve them. A daily to-do list of a few goals kept me focused and I regularly got the enjoyment of crossing chores off.

Finally, I forever sought out and nurtured new opportunities, which were either challenging or improved my craft. 

The opposite of being self-motivated is  being unenthusiastic, indifferent or disinterested.  These are easy mindsets to fall into and do nothing for your well-being.  As you go down this road of emotions, your present and future experiences can easily become more and more dire and unsatisfactory.

Central to converting my career into an amazing calling was the idea of being self-motivated by telling myself:  I wanted to be doing what I was doing; I actively enjoyed what I was doing, and I mindfully understood that I had to reinforce the cycle of doing and enjoying what I was doing.  This self-perpetuating cycle of being self-motivated can be applied to most things you do, whether it is mowing the lawn, doing the dishes or whatever chore you are engaged in. 

Challenge yourself to be enthusiastic, keen and energetic about whatever is before you.  Being positive is a habit which requires mindful practice and patience to mature but the wellness pay-off is immense.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*:          The Epic of Eden: A Christian Entry into the Old Testament by Sandra L. Richter

WHAT KIND OF KINDNESS?

What do you imagine to be the most important quality that women and men seek in a sustained relationship? David Buss tested over 10,000 people from 37 different cultures and concluded that consistently the most important attribute was kindness.*  Whereas this conclusion may not be surprising, it certainly is reassuring. 

Kindness can be described as the quality of being friendly, thoughtful, generous and considerate. However, have you ever thought about how kindness (like its more directed and personal cousin, LOVE) has different ways of being expressed or actualized?

The Five Love Languages** suggests that one can express love or kindness to your partner or others in at least five different manners.  I like to summarize them as the four “T’s” : Time, Touch, Talk and Things [gifts]) and one “D” (deeds).  The clever point of this taxonomy is that we tend to express or be kind/loving to others based on how we like to be loved or receive kindness. 

However, by our nature and make up, we have a preference as to how we best appreciate being loved.  For example, your partner may long for spending time with you as this is their love language, but you are a deeds person and like to show your affection by doing things for that special person.  What happens is a miscommunication, your partner indulges you with their time and your reward them with deeds.  Yes, these acts of kindness are appreciated, but not as well as the person doing these actions had hoped for.  You may even become frustrated as your kindness seems to go unacknowledged.  Sometimes, the favorite form of kindness for one partner may be the least appreciated by the other and the effectiveness of one kindness may even become a source of friction.

As there is no correct love language and one preference is hard wired, what can be done?  I suggest you learn what the love language of your partner is and learn how to speak and express your kindness in that manner.  It isn’t hard to change the way you express your love, and similarly consider experimenting with being kind in different ways.  I ABSOLUTELY recommend the Five Love Languages book noted below, it without a doubt was the most insightful relationship books I have ever read (and implemented).   Well worth the read and insight it affords.  You may well discover you are talking different languages, which is relatively easy to adjust to and accommodate.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*:          Buss, David M. 1989. “Sex Differences in Human Mate Preferences.” Behavioral and Brain Sciences

**:        "The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts"  by Gary D Chapman