Sometimes I ask someone how they’re doing, and they really open up—the emotional kind of open. Highs, lows, worries, old wounds. And without thinking, I start offering advice. “Here’s what you should do…” or “Maybe try this…” It’s meant to be helpful, but it often lands flat. The person goes quiet, or their energy dips. I’ve learned the hard way—they weren’t asking for solutions. They just wanted to be heard.
You’ve probably seen this play out too.
Some people need to talk things through—not to be fixed, but to be felt with. Just speaking the words out loud helps them clear space inside. They’re not looking for advice, just someone to sit with them while they release the pressure.
Others only open up when they’re hoping for guidance. They’re already running through options in their head and want help sorting it out. When they speak, they’re inviting input.
Neither is right or wrong. It’s just how people are wired. But it gets tricky when the person listening assumes the wrong thing. That’s where the trouble starts.
So how do we find our footing?
First, by really listening. Not just waiting for our turn to speak—but actually tuning in. Are they using words that reflect emotion? Or are they focused on the practical side of things? Pay attention to their pace, their tone, their cues. And before jumping in, ask a simple question: “Would you like some thoughts, or should I just listen?” That one line can change everything.
And if you’re the advice-giving type (I know I am), the hardest part might be biting your tongue. But trust me—most of the time, what people need isn’t a solution. It’s a safe space. A little quiet. A nod of understanding.
Because talking helps. Being heard heals. And sometimes, that’s more than enough.
So here’s the heart of it:
LISTEN CAREFULLY, SAY LITTLE, LET GO OF JUDGEMENT AND ASK IF ADVICE IS USEFUL BEFORE GIVING IT.