Have you ever listened carefully to your self-talking, that whispering voice inside your head that chats with you all too regularly? What does that voice say to you about yourself? Would you classify this conversation as a dear friend, an objective observer, or just mindless chatter? Further, would you openly engage in a similar style of conversation with a friend, colleague, or foe?
Perhaps your inner voice is different from mine, but my self-talk was not the most friendly, helpful, or objective dialogue I had with myself. And my how this chatter was so harshly judgemental. Over time, I have managed to tame this rhetoric by consciously ignoring, reframing, or challenging this running commentary. It started with acknowledging that this internal voice was unkind to my best friend—ME!! I would NEVER be so harsh or judgemental to anyone else, from a best friend to most adversaries, so why was I so unkind and difficult to myself?
Then I considered the Golden Rule, which correctly states:
“Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. Or don’t do to others what you would have them not do unto you.”
The Reverse Golden Rule conjures up the complementary position, being:
“Don’t do to yourself what you would not do to others. Or do to yourself what you would do to others.”
Essentially, be kind and selfish to yourself—exercise some self-love. Self-talk usually blatantly violates the Reverse Golden Rule; you treat yourself worse than my less favourite person. (Note, I avoid the word EMENY as that term is poisonous to yourself and should be removed from your vocabulary and consciousness, but is another matter.) It takes you to a place of extreme self-judgement and impossible expectations. Rarely is this internal dialogue objective; rather, it is cruelly, subjectively biased against yourself and who you are.
I am not suggesting that self-reflection is unhelpful or unconstructive, but rather that you should deliberately debate with your inner voice, challenge its conclusions and inferences about yourself. That internal critic usually has a point that is worth entertaining, but it should not overwhelm your essential character—which is likely that you are a noble and worthy person. Please befriend your self-talking persona and make it your partner, confidant, and ally.
* Inspired by thoughts stirred up by Balance, a meditation app and Meditations for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman