SELF-COMPASSION*

Rabbi Hillel said:

If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? If not now, when?

Indeed, if you are not kind to yourself, then where and when is your life journey going? Too often we are better friends to others than ourselves.  That is where self-compassion starts: deeply caring about yourself and your situation just as you might be concerned for a dear friend or soul mate, and then doing something about it.  The only difference is you are also that other person.

Self-compassion is not about feeling sorry for yourself.  Rather it is about designing remedies and perspectives that see you progressing to a better place.  In practice you are starting to come to terms with some of your quirks and faults and learning to accept  and if possible, change them, just as we do of friends.  That letting go and being non-judgemental with yourself brings a sense of peace and calm. 

Compassion for yourself is where you start when things are tough, not where you stop. Self-compassion makes a person more resilient, more able to bounce back. It lowers self-criticism and builds up self-worth, helping you to be more ambitious and successful, not complacent and lazy. In compassion for your own pain is a sense of common humanity: we all suffer, we all face disease and death, we all lose others we love. Everyone is fragile. As Leonard Cohen sang: “There is a crack in everything / That’s how the light gets in.” Everyone is cracked. Everyone needs compassion.*

 This is where Rick Hanson* steps in with some interesting advice.  You should savour that calm from self-compassion and associate it with the process of healing and changing.  Reinforce, remember and repeat the connection between the positive feelings of letting go and the personal challenges you are addressing.  Self-compassion encourages you to reward yourself with your efforts to change, just as you would for a friend you are actively helping.  Being personally kind to yourself brings an internal glow of wellness; don’t overlook that sensation, rather dwell on it and use its synergy to further advance your self-help progress.”

To change your mind, you may have to change your brain. Neuroplasticity is reformatting your brain, including reformatting it to be a better friend to yourself. Self-compassion enables the transformation process to work.  Be kind to yourself, just as you would to any true friend.

 Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*:  Many of these observations are based on the book Resilient by Rick Hanson

RESTORYING YOUR STORY

Our past is a marvelous collection of experiences and serendipitous coincidences.  However, within this collage are about 30 minutes in my life that went rather badly and seem to crowd out too much of my joy.  There are times in my past where a joke, self-introduction, lecture or chance encounter went pear-shaped, and more than a few times when I lost my temper and spoke when I should have kept quiet.  I have ruminated about these mishaps endlessly.  In each of these cases, it is deep embarrassment, disappointment and regret that I feel. 

Recently I decided “enough was enough”. I needed to  let go and forgive myself these missteps.  I decided to restory my story, to tell my story differently and compassionately, especially to myself. 

I decided to stop repeating the “What if” drama.  This was essential: what has been done cannot be undone, so ruminating is pointless and unhelpful.  Next, I decided to put my mistake into context and consider it as a learning opportunity.  As each of these stories was largely the result of inexperience, youth, impatience or an experiment gone badly. I decided to enjoy the story as an example of growing up and one of those rites of passage.  Each of these episodes was an example of growing up, taking risks and/or letting my enthusiasm get in the way of being more prudent.  And if there is an apology that can be made, it has been done.

Restorying is part revising and re-writing history, but more importantly, it is owning your mistakes, feeling remorse and letting go.  I now can share these faux pas and smile, especially to myself.  There are some life lessons that need to be learned the hard way.  If I could apply the erase test and forever erase these stories, I likely would not be where I am today, and other mishaps would have replaced these events.  But I rather like where I am now, so it all worked out.

What is the point of restorying?  Own your story, consider it a learning opportunity, remember the life lesson it taught you and tell it to yourself in a gentle and forgiving way.  And then let go of the sadness and remorse that comes with that story, smile and more on.  Also remember, 30 minutes in a lifetime is rather short relative to the big picture and duration of the rest of our life.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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WORRY OR WONDER?

Covid has, unfortunately, increased our worrying ability and potential.  The daily health warnings have become part of our news diet.  What shouldn’t we do today? What new risk is out there?  Health anxiety is the new normal for so many.  Is there a remedy for some of this endless and increasing anxiety? 

I will suggest one very useful anti-anxiousness strategy.  Change your perspective from worrying to wondering.  When the next caution comes out, rather than tensing up, start to ponder about the science behind the news flash and become curious and engaged.  Imagine the research behind the finding; consider the probability or likelihood that is event might affect you.  Is the risk one in a hundred, or more likely one in several tens of thousands?  

Wondering about these possibilities is empowering because the risk, once quantified, generally becomes rather smaller, often trivial and more manageable.  Wondering rather than worrying slows our thinking process down and allows us to put matters into perspective.  Fast, reflexive thinking hijacks our emotions and before you know it ‘Fight or Flight’ panic confronts us.

Worrying tends to be a defensive strategy, wondering is the opposite: putting us on the offensive and challenging simple solutions and conclusions to complex matters.  Wonder encourages awe and amazement; something new to think about.

Being cautious is a good idea but worrying too often goes beyond being prudent and becomes fearful.  When our worries do not materialize, are we grateful,  or do we forget our good fortune and speculate on something new to become anxious about? Mindfully wondering is a useful brake to this vicious and often pointless anxiety cycle.

Covid is an outstanding example of how science and calm leadership changed worrying into wonderful.  What was originally suggested would be a two year wait for a 60% effective vaccine. That became a one-year turnaround with an 80%+ efficacy.  If that isn’t wonderful, awesome and a blessing, the I don’t know what marvelous news might be.

Reframe and replace your worrying tendencies with a wondering, curious and wonderful mindset.  It will make your day so much more carefree.

. 

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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KINDNESS

What do you imagine to be the most important quality that women and men seek in a sustained relationship? David Buss tested over 10,000 people from 37 different cultures and concluded that consistently the most important attribute was kindness.*  Whereas this conclusion may not be surprising, it certainly is reassuring.  Kindness is  powerful and universally appreciated. It is valued in all our relationships and interactions.

In all our hurrying about, do we spend enough time being kind?  Do we speculate what random or deliberate acts of kindness we might do to improve another’s day?  The word LOVE is sung and wrote about, but is that really what the world needs more of?  Yes, love is wonderful, but how about just being and acting in a kind and thoughtful way?

Kindness is an action word; it is something one actually does (or does not do).  Kindness can be seen and explicitly experienced by others.  Acting kindly requires one to think about or imagine someone else’s situation and directly engage with satisfying that request.  Kindness and thoughtfulness are a team, with thoughtfulness starting the process.

Mindfully being kind has strong synergy: not only do you make some else’s moment better, but it also lifts your spirits, and the opportunities for kindness are almost infinite. Simple actions like being courteous, generous, helpful  or differential are the sparks that start the kindness cycle.  Others do note these actions if they are done in an authentic and selfless manner.  The more random and anonymous these acts of kindness are, the more it improves your wellbeing and joy in that moment.

We as a species are described as mankind.  Let’s release our kindness and live up to our name and calling.  Please be kind (and tolerant).

 Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*:          Buss, David M. 1989. “Sex Differences in Human Mate Preferences.” Behavioral and Brain Sciences

WHEN PREPARATION MEETS OPPORTUNITY

Some people just seem to be so lucky or blessed.  Life just seems to go their way. Why so??  Why not me?

One views suggests that luck is passive, random and largely beyond one’s control. Good things might happen to me, but I do not cause them to happen.  Another view is that luck is less random and is often caused or encouraged by mindful intervention.

Steven Leacock has said, “I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more of it I have.” I think that being lucky in life largely occurs when preparation meets opportunity.

One can significantly increase one’s likelihood of good fortune in life by consciously maturing skills and attitudes that are useful in one’s line of work. Putting yourself at risk and exposing yourself to opportunity is also a major factor. So many people miss out on opportunities because they do not put themselves forward, often from the mistaken belief that they are not good enough.

 For your career or calling, start by learning your craft and developing your skills, observing closely the rules of the game in your profession and identifying influencers or key players in that area.  Start walking the walk and talking the talk. Be authentic and focused, but also be realistic. Unrealistic hopes are bound to disappoint; but realistic aspirations, deliberately planned, seem to yield “luckier” outcomes. This is the preparation part.

Next, start looking for those opportunities.  Put yourself at risk and expose yourself to situations where opportunities related to your calling or aspirations are present. Cause opportunity by going outside your comfort zone and try networking beyond your traditional circle of acquaintances. Invest some of your leisure time to researching in detail the more complex aspects of your goal.

An important ingredient of luck is to be in the right place at the right time, with the requisite skills.  Strategically do your preparation and imagine not only your next move, but your next several moves – having a plan doesn’t mean it will succeed, but it must be better than having no plan at all. It is no coincidence that those who work harder and smarter seem to be luckier. And once the ball starts rolling, luck seems to multiply and flow more easily.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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WHAT IS IN YOUR CUP?

Previous reflections have considered if your cup is half full or half empty, but we overlooked thinking about the contents of your cup.  So, what might your cup contain?  Is it full of joy, disappointments, hope or sadness ??

When I imagine my cup’s contents, it is like a multi-layered pastry or rainbow.  The foundation layer is gratitude, as I try to be grateful for all the blessing and good fortune I have received.  This gratitude then sparks a profound sense of awe and wonder as I look at God’s creation and the natural beauty I am surrounded by, if only I pause to look and listen.   The next layer is joy and amusement as I remember the (mis)adventures and encounters that I have experienced and savour them. The next layer is love and hope; the kindness and fulfillment that abound when I risk letting go and being in the moment. There are more layers, but like the bottom, gratitude is also on the top level. 

I try to minimize the negative or unhelpful feelings in my cup.  These sentiments are there, and  I am aware of them, but I try to ensure that they do not overwhelm or undermine my wellbeing.

I know that your cup is different to mine, and there is no correct or better cup.  But what is refreshing is to speculate what is in your cup that makes it yours, unique to you.  Focusing on your life and what grounds and defines it is sobering.  Challenging yourself to prioritize your emotional wellbeing is constructive and insightful.  Are negative feelings defining your wellbeing?  Are your life experiences a turbulent mixture of wonderful and unfortunate circumstances, just swirling about? Does that need some sorting out and organizing?

 A cup that is structured around helpful, hopeful and joyful ingredients is bound to be better for your wellbeing.  So, what is in your cup? Make your cup work for you.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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WHY AM I HERE?

The psychiatrist Viktor Frankl wrote in his book “Man’s Search For Meaning”,

“He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.”*

Frankl concluded that what mankind needs is not a tensionless state but rather the striving and struggling for some goal worthy of oneself. What s/he needs is not the discharge of tension at any cost, but the call of a potential meaning waiting to be fulfilled by oneself.

His famous book, ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’ written in 1946, tells the story of how he survived the Holocaust by finding personal meaning in the experience. This gave him the will to live through it.  His view of life is based on the premise that man’s underlying motivator in life is a “will to find meaning, even in the most difficult of circumstances.”  

Frankl pointed to research which indicated a strong relationship between “meaninglessness” and criminal behaviours, addictions and depression. Without meaning, people fill the void with hedonistic pleasures, power, materialism, hatred, boredom, or neurotic obsessions and compulsions. Some may also strive for Suprameaning, the ultimate meaning in life, a spiritual kind of meaning that depends solely on a greater power outside of personal or external control. While Frankl rarely touches on the topic of the pursuit of happiness, he is very concerned with satisfaction and fulfilment in life.**

Asking and answering the question “Why am I here?” as it relates to your life opens a wonderful internal debate as to what your personal purpose is.   The clearer your personal mission statement is defined, the more likely life is to be fulfilling.  There will be struggles and trade-offs to achieve your goals, but this tension is empowering.

So, what is your WHY and what are you going to do with and about your WHY?? 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*:             "Man's Search For Meaning: The classic tribute to hope from the Holocaust" by Viktor E Frankl.  The US Library of Congress described the book as one of  "the ten most influential books in the United States."

**:            https://www.pursuit-of-happiness.org/history-of-happiness/viktor-frankl/

SHALOM

Sometimes a word cannot be properly translated.  One such word is the Hebrew word SHALOM.  The nearest English translation is PEACE, but this falls far short of the richness of shalom.

Shalom in Hebrew means peace, harmony, wholeness, completeness, togetherness, prosperity, welfare and tranquility. *   And that is all implied in one word!

Interestingly, in Hebrew one may continue by asking of another, “How is your shalom (or peace)?”  Not surprisingly, given the range of feelings inferred in a single word, one can have so many different types of peace.  When we are at peace, is it harmony that we are feeling? or is it one of these other shades of wellness? Sometimes we are at peace, but at the same time troubled, as we feel incomplete or in difficulty. 

I have been pondering the idea of shalom for several weeks, trying to figure out how MY peace is right now.  Merely by pondering on the idea of shalom a peacefulness starts to develop in my heart.  Is my shalom one of completeness or tranquility or connectedness, or just the mystery of feeling at peace with my circumstances? 

I have become aware that what is really undermining my peace right now is that I am rather fed up with the fallout of the virus.  IT’S BEEN OVER A YEAR!!  However,  I still want to find peace so I need to re-define what is achievable given the various constraints I must accept and tolerate.  Sensing that my feelings  are shared by almost everyone else suggests  there is harmony, togetherness, wholeness with others; what I feel you are also likely feeling.  That makes me more tolerant and patient and soon I feel a sense of shalom and let go of my anxiousness.

One can take the challenge of shalom in the other direction and consider the opposite of shalom. 

If shalom means peace, harmony, and completeness than the opposite is when things fall apart or go to PIECES. **

The lesson here is that so often is that my peace is going to pieces.  To improve my circumstances, I need to pull things together, find harmony and commonality with others.

So, how is your peace?  See if you can piece your peace/shalom together and make it work for you.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*:  Wikipedia

**: Rabbi Rick Sherwin

W.E.I.R.D.*

Being tolerant and inclusive is one of the hallmarks of wellbeing.  Yet, I must admit that I often find it hard to understand and appreciate how others could hold such different views and opinions to myself.  When I read in the news of events in Asia, Africa and South America it is often so foreign to what I think is proper and acceptable.  I wonder how these strangers could accept or tolerate such challenging circumstances.  I speculate that I would stand up and oppose their situation.

Then I learned about how you and I are likely very WEIRD.  WEIRD stands for:

Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich and Democratic

We see the world though our WEIRD lens and imagine that others are unusual.  However, when you look at the data, us WEIRD folks are at best only 12% of the world population and therefore more the exception than the rule.  Over 90% of the psychological and behavioural research is conducted on our small sample population. How we perceive and judge others is significantly influenced by our abnormal (and we imagine fortunate) set of circumstances.  From these findings, we extrapolate to generalize about how others might react to a given situation. 

Acknowledging that where I am coming from is exceptional is very sobering.  Each of these five variables is extremely powerful in shaping my world view.  Take any one of these identifiers away  and my situation and view of normal or fair is turned upside-down.  Judging others and their sense of fairness is very exclusive and elite.  So much of our WEIRDness is hard wired into our world view.

Being tolerate and inclusive is immensely challenging but essential to our wellness.  I suggest that the solution is not to abandon our unique bounty but rather to let go of judging others based on our perceptions and values.  We should carefully consider whether it is our WEIRDness that is driving our judgements. 

Life is wonderfully complex. Maybe we are in the minority and wrong.  Consider carefully your own biases before jumping to conclusions or judging others choices.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: Ara Norenzayan et al, The weirdest people in the world? , Behavioural and Brain Science (2010)

A SMALLER, SMALL CUP

I am finding the drawn-out ‘sooner rather than later’ ending of the Covid situation strangely challenging.  My earlier locked-down, physically distanced time of waiting is nearing its end.  Only recently has this strange year began to really wear me down.  Maybe you hit that wall earlier.  With the end in sight, demonstrating patience is becoming ever harder.  Coping and trying to be well and positive is becoming more difficult.

The notion of having a smaller cup which is fuller (compared to a half full or half empty cup) has a new meaning to me.  Rather than just having a small(er) cup, I have had to deliberately make this cup of my expectations even smaller again.  The reality of Covid has really begun to set in: room for excitement, wonder and optimism have indeed become limited and exhausted. 

Over the past month to maintain a positive sense of wellness, I have mindfully downsized my cup of joy to keep it relatively full.  Smaller blessings and pleasures have become more joyful and meaningful.  Traveling even a few miles from home is my current travel adventure goal. 

By consciously shrinking what I expect, it has made the waiting process easier and more promising.  Convincing myself that less is better has materially improved my spirits.  It is now much easier to get excited and eager about almost anything; trivial things really matter now. 

Pacing myself to imagine that soon something resembling the old normal will return is giving me an opportunity to constructively plan for what is ahead.  Not only will my new cup of life be sturdier and initially smaller, but I am determined to savour more the simple pleasures of life.  Visits to friends will be much more special.  Being in crowds will be a welcome event.  Being able to travel slightly further afield: what a dream!

As the end comes nearer, please don’t waste the opportunity to re-evaluate and re-calibrate your post-Covid world.  Ask yourself, “What lessons have I learned that I can use to make the next chapter of my life better?”  Plan your escape and return to normality.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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AWE*

Humans are blessed with some emotions and feelings which are not found in other species. What makes humans uniquely different?  According to ancient Greek mythology, Zeus endowed humans with two special qualities.  The first was a sense of justice, to ensure that the needs of all would be met.  The second was the capacity for awe.   

The myth suggested that awe encouraged positive emotions like reverence, devotion, gratitude, and  modesty to emerge.  We feel connected to others; and a sense of unity within the community grows.  Awe make one feel small and appreciative of the wonder and awesomeness of something greater and more majestic than us.  Our common humanity brings us together and we are more willing to subordinate our self-interest for the collective good.

But where has our sense of awe gone?  The spectacular and the extra-ordinary seem to have lost their significance.  We shrug our shoulders too easily, as though something astonishing was just another Hollywood special effect.  Science and the media seem to have numbed our sense of amazement.  Perhaps we are too cynical, proud  or sophisticated to acknowledge our true insignificance.  We see something truly amazing, and rather than savour the moment and let it take our breath away, we take a selfie, and the magic is gone.

Put in a different way, empowering awe makes our wellbeing that much better.  Feeling humble, insignificant and ordinary brings harmony to our community.  The respect and reverence that awe encourages brings tolerance and inclusiveness for others.  Feeling smaller and less important makes us glow inside.  Absolute wonder brings the innocence of our youth to the fore, as we lose our breath and feel totally in the NOW.

Seek out some awe and the spectacular in your daily life; it is there and waiting if we are humble enough to see and acknowledge it.  Allow for the super-natural and you will certainly experience the awe of the present moment.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

*:  See Reverence by Paul Woodruff or Born to be Good by Dacher Keltner

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FAIL-FAST *(2)

Lifelong learning is good for our well-being.  Keeping the mind active and engaged can reduce some of the threats to our mental health in our later years.  The challenge is how to develop habits and skills that make learning pleasurable and effective.

The fail-fast, learn-fast process described last week is a learning strategy.  The essence of this approach is to quickly experiment with new knowledge and skills. We need to accept failure and mis-steps as part of the learning process. Failing often and early on leads to stronger and more frequent  positive outcomes later.  Tessa Koller noted thirteen interesting outcomes from adopting a  fail-fast strategy.* Some of these positive outcomes are noted here:

1.          You become more resilient.  You gain a thicker skin; and subsequent setbacks and disappointments don’t bother you as much.

2.         Your failures highlight what works.  Your knowledge of what succeeds sharpens and hones your skills and abilities.

3.         Failures suggest new alternatives as to what may eventually work.  Failing opens possibilities.

4.         Failures are not absolute or terminal.  Disappointments followed by later successes help you develop the habit of re-framing outcomes in positive and hopeful ways.

5.         By bouncing back from disappointment, you will inspire others.  Your resilience will encourage others to keep persevering.

6.         Unsuccessful outcomes strengthen your mindset.  The process of re-starting is an inevitable reality for everyone.  Training your spirits to see the bigger picture of hardship as a learning experience is essential to sustainable wellbeing.

7.         Failing fast can expand your risk taking appetite. A certain degree of risk taking opens you up to many new experiences and opportunities. 

8.         Failing is exciting and purposeful.  The immediate feedback from a mistake is invigorating:  It may hurt a bit, but it is real.  This makes the eventual victory that much more rewarding.

9.         Failing is fun. Once you recalibrate your reaction to disappointment and see it as a growth opportunity., failure becomes a cause for optimism and renewed purpose, and that is fun.

My life has been filled with thousands of small (and larger) mistakes, failures and setbacks, but greater by a factor of two or three are the number of joyful successes.  And that is what wellness may just be all about.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

*:  13 Reasons Why You Should Fail Fast to Learn Fast by Tessa Koller,  : www.lifehack.org/851912/fail-fast

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

FAIL-FAST*(1)

Is failure something one should avoid or actively pursue or cause? Is failure good for you?  Is delaying disappointment useful? Yes and No.  One should not actively set out to fail, but equally one should not seek to escape from or postpone defeat.  The trick is to make disappointments one’s ally.

An interesting tool that many successful learners may have accidently discovered is:

Fail-Fast, Learn-Fast

Failure and disappointment are powerful learning tools.  Being wrong sooner and often can be beneficial.   It is so discouraging as an educator to be in front of a class and see many students watching along and not engaging in the curriculum.  Pose a simpler problem to them and they passively watch and assume that somehow when the answer is shared, they will figure out the path to the solution.  Truth is, watching rarely works.  Other learners immediately attempted the challenge and often got the wrong solution.  However, the failure of active learners promotes faster learning.  In fact, being swiftly unsuccessful  is a very effective tool on the path to greater understanding, as it intrigues the learner as to where they went wrong. You are likely to recollect your failures and not repeat them.  Mistakes which lead to subsequent success boost our confidence.  Making errors is a true measure of constructive engagement. Watching the smiles as engaged students got better was a catalyst to encourage me to seek to be a better instructor.

We can apply  FAIL-FAST to our day-to-day experiences.  Begin by agreeing that privately failing is no big deal and that mistakes are learning opportunities.  Likely your success rate will be over 50% right away.  Accept sooner and more frequent errors are the price we pay to achieve more favourable results later. Why not start tinkering with regular tasks? Tweak the process of how you prepare your breakfast.  Look for immediate opportunities to experiment with improvement.  Trial-and-error is a powerful self-improvement strategy.

Nothing succeeds like success. Accept regular setbacks as one is trying diligently to improve.  Proper goals should be challenging but attainable.  Enjoy and encourage fast failure, as it proves you are trying. Practice failing sooner and more often, so that the pleasure and triumph of learning will accelerate accordingly. 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

*:  A great link to learn more about Fail-Fast: www.lifehack.org/851912/fail-fast

BEING ALIGNED

When a car is in alignment it travels down the road in a straight line, even when one lets go of the steering wheel.  When it is out of alignment, it veers to the left or the right, and eventually ends up way off course. If we are not in alignment, our wellbeing ends up being undermined in a similar way. Initially you may hardly notice any difference, but over time, you can find yourself seriously off balance.

So, when we think of wellbeing, what are the elements of alignment? A simple and effective summary of alignment is: Head, Heart and Hand (or thinking, feeling and doing).  Are your thoughts, emotions and actions consistent, or are some aspects of your being pulling you off-course? It is extremely difficult to be in total harmony, but when there is significant conflict between these three dimensions there is certain to be trouble ahead.

Hands are the dependent variable in our internal harmony, they take instructions from either the head or heart, and sometimes both.  Hands are the actionable tools in our public display of who we are. Sometimes both our heads (our thoughts) and our hearts (our feelings) are in harmony, but it is not always easy to hold an appropriate tension between these two.

Our heads can get so caught up in rationalizing (slow thinking) that we forget to act and just end up procrastinating, as our thoughts tie us up in impossible dilemmas or conundrums. Without strong emotions, we fail to act.

Similarly, our hearts (feelings) can prompt us to much kinder decisions which are ultimately much better for our wellbeing, but feelings can also be misleading, and we can run away with our emotions. They need to be policed by our thoughts to make wise, not impulsive, decisions. 

To better manage our wellness is it useful to check in periodically and see how well we are aligned.  Are our hands taking too much instruction from our head and not listening enough to our quiet heart and soul, or are we listening too much to our feelings and not enough to our heads? 

Our best long term navigator is when our hands, heart and hands work together in alignment.  Then the heart, acting like a moral compass, ponders the reputational consequences of our thoughts and steers us accordingly.

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

CONFIDENCE

Having coached learners for several decades, one essential skill I especially focused on was confidence.  I suggested that without feeling and acting confidently in an exam (or real life) situation, the candidate was certain to do less well.  Confidence gives us the courage to believe we know what we are talking about, avoid second-guessing ourselves and proudly show what we know.  Turns out there is curious science to support my advice.

Susan Kruger* notes that when we receive information it travels up our spinal cord towards the neural networks of the brain.  The first part of the brain to get the information is our emotional centre, which considers whether the stimuli pose a threat to our safety.  If the brain perceives any danger, then it diverts energy from the rest of the brain to address the challenge.  And this of course is the fight-or-flight response we are all hardwired with.  The fast thinking reflex does not distinguish between physical or emotional risks, it just automatically kicks in.  Whereas this reflex can save our life, it also undermines our ability to learn.  This energy we are hoarding to address the hazard creates obstructions  and takes resources from fully engaging in the learning experience. Put into a learning context, being fearful or anxious while trying to learn significantly reduces our learning effectiveness as we are in resistance mode and not much is being absorbed.  To prevail over the fight-or-flight habit, confidence is the best defense.  Replacing fear with curiosity, intrigue or awe opens the brain to accept, process and understand new knowledge, and begin to learn.  Confidence is gentle as it disarms our brain. Confidence also reinforces the learning process.  As new knowledge is acquired, we begin to comfortably believe we know it and longer term understanding occurs.

Looking at confidence in our Covid-19 world can also be helpful.   Anxiety and fearfulness  seem to be everywhere and spreading rapidly.  Confidence and hopefulness is not a vaccine against the virus, but is it a useful remedy to otherwise being in state of perpetual fight-or-flight panic.  Confidence means stepping back, before trying to unscramble the catalogue of alarming news, then figuring out what really relates to us  and what we can pro-actively do to calm our spirits.  Confidence is about taking control of our situation, understanding the complex trade-offs that we must make in our weird Covid world.  Confidence boosts our spirit, a powerful  anti-dote to the prevailing mood.

Cultivate and mature your confidence, it will reward you in so many ways.

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

*: As described in "The Science of Self-Learning: How to Teach Yourself Anything” by Peter Hollins

COMPASSION

What an interesting word “compassion” is.  Is compassion the same as empathy, sympathy, or subtly different?  Are they synonyms?  Like shades of any colour, these three emotions are close.  I would suggest that compassion is a richer and more vivid colour.

A good place to start would be with definitions:

Compassion: a deep sympathy for the sorrows of others, with an urge to alleviate their pain.

Empathy:  ability to imagine oneself in the condition of another, a vicarious participation in another’s emotions.

Sympathy: a general kinship with another’s feelings, no matter of what kind. *

So what?  Maybe a lot, maybe a little.  What I note is that the term empathy seems to be the most common of these emotions.  Is this because empathy best describes the feeling, or do we mean compassion? 

The psychologist Paul Bloom** carefully analysed empathy and suggests that society would be better served with rational compassion.   He notes that empathy (and sympathy), are kind, but is it helpful for the person in grief?  Both are passive and immediate, but are they concerned with solving the underlying challenge? Both focus on a specific instance or person (which he called the spotlight effect), but too often do not engage with the complexity of a situation, or with the larger community of others in similar conditions.

So, what does Paul Bloom suggest?  One should step back from the immediate situation, look at the larger set of circumstances, and carefully consider any uncomfortable trade-offs that may be required to address the troubling dilemma. Compassion is about alleviating a pain, which is more than feeling sorry. He encourages compassion for the larger community in similar situations, rather than dwelling on the specific individual.   Compassion is about solving challenging problems rather than focusing on symptoms and quick fixes.

Compassion is effortful and uncomfortable.  It is about asking difficult questions, saying NO and rationing scarce resources, be they emotional, spiritual or financial.  But, in the longer run, compassion does more for mankind because it solves future difficulties that we will not hear about because they are gone.  Which may just be the real point.

Reflection Source: www.Smalmercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

Physically distance, never socially distance.

 *:  The Free Dictionary by Farlex

**: Paul Bloom, Against Empathy, the Case for Rational Compassion

UNHELPFUL ATTITUDES

I can remember being in my early twenties and proudly cynical and sarcastic.  It was pompous youthfulness on display.  The more contrary and mocking I was of the present situation, the wiser I felt.  What a youthful fool I was. Somewhere in my thirties I let go of these unhelpful attitudes, but secretly held onto many of their related  judgemental perspectives.  And finally, after far too much mocking and a false sense of self-righteousness, I realized I was raining on my own parade.  Can you relate to this rite of passage?

Letting go of being cynical and sarcastic is not that hard, but to stop being judgemental is a real challenge.  I struggle with a tendency to judge others as though I have all the right questions and answers.  What is especially noteworthy is that being judgemental bring no joy or wellness to myself or anyone else.  Rather it fuels anger and pride, sowing division and intolerance instead.  I notice that with all the increased tension, frustration, anxiety and impatience because of Covid (and Trump), our judgemental nature is only becoming more pronounced and outspoken.  Scary times!!

So where to start to become less judgemental? How about admitting to oneself that being judgemental is an unhelpful and destructive habit.  Next, let go where you can, stop vocally labelling certain people or views as “stupid”.  Silencing your public judgement will quiet your inner whisper.  Accept the fact that you do not know all the facts about the situation.  Start imagining that you may be wrong, and others are right.  And finally, admit that your opinion generally really does not matter much (except at election time).

Unhelpful attitudes that started with being cynical and sarcastic, and matured into being self-righteous and judgemental, get no one anywhere.  Try reframing these attitudes with tolerance, inclusiveness, compassion and patience.  You will feel much better thereafter.

Reflection Source: www.Smalmercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

Physically distance, never socially distance.

POST-TRUTH

Truth is the quality or state of being true. Wikipedia adds ‘of being in accord with fact or reality’.

What is especially unsettling is the suggestion that we now live in a post-truth society, where truth does not matter or matters less. Now, emotions and personal beliefs can trump what was previously considered to be either true or false.  Post-truth views deliberately confuse opinions and facts.  By cherry picking facts and statistics, fantasy becomes reality, and truth and respect optional.  Worse, those that disagree with us become our opponents and we, the rightful victors of justice and whatever, are right and true.  Somehow this does not sound like a situation with a happy or positive ending.

But what does this have to do with wellness?  A lot!!  The more the post-truth notion gains hold in society, the less tolerant, compassionate and inclusive we seem to have become.  Identity politics has become more accepted.  Identity politics considers it fair game to cast very negative views on another’s character just because they do not agree with our views or perspectives.  Rather than being inclusive and tolerant of those that differ on matters of opinion, those that disagree are often described in unkind terms and held in distain.

Two central hallmarks of a liberal democracy are the encouragement of differing points of view, and the tolerance of these differences.  By a process of debate, over time, society evolves and improves.  But central to this evolution is respect for the truth and opportunities for society to learn and change. But that takes time and patience..

Perhaps it is Covid, politics, social (not physical) distancing or whatever, but I have noticed recently in the media and on the streets a reduction in civility and inclusiveness.  Post-truth judgementalism seems to have undermined some of the kindness and compassion we feel for others; a slippery slope to go down.

I pray that in 2021 truth returns to take centre stage and with it brings respect and patience for those we disagree with.  May opinions be accepted as opinions and not as facts. That is certainly one of my new year’s aspirations.  I know this tolerance will significantly enhance my wellbeing and joy in 2021.

Reflection Source: www.Smalmercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

Physically distance, never socially distance.

WHAT HAVE I LEARNED IN 2020?

After fifty-one reflections, it might be timely to consider how my smaller cup has changed – what have I learned?  In a word, PATIENCE.  Being patient is such an important quality which expresses itself in so many ways.  Through patience I am learning:

·         To let go of what might have been, and to be joyful in what is.

·         To consciously re-frame my present moment to have a (more) positive perspective.

·         To get through less exciting days, have a smaller cup that grows and is reasonably full.

·         To be a human being not a human doing.  This is helpful to your well-being - seek to be in the present moment more and avoid multi-tasking wherever possible.

·         To be kind, compassionate and generous to others. That richly rewards my spirits, as well as helping others.

·         To savour, using much freer time to remember fond memories. This made my today’s better and inspired my dreams for a better tomorrow.

·         To prefer tele-scoping and looking forward with promise and wonder, over micro-scoping inward, with a sense of remiss and regret.

·         To use explanatory words that are hopeful, glorious, grateful and modestly proud.

·         To remind myself that desserts is stressed spelt backwards. I need to put more sweetness into my present moment.

·         To be an optimalist (where good enough is excellent) rather than a perfectionist (where only excellence is good enough).

·         If I always give, I will always have.

·         To be careful what I focus on. Not watching the news before going to bed materially improved my dreamscape.

The challenge for next year is to keep applying these lessons, and to make the most of all my opportunities in 2021 (as I have waited a long time for them).

And similarly you might wonder how your well-being journey has changed – what have you learned?  Rather than a New Year’s resolution, do a last year’s self-reflection, and be grateful for how the last year may have changed your perspectives.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

Physically distance, never socially distance.

THE ROCKING CHAIR TEST*

Occasionally, we must make difficult decisions or trade-offs.  Earlier, I suggested the “eulogy test,” where you consider how others will remember you based on what your choices were.  Another decision-making test along this line is the “rocking chair test”.  The difference is that, rather than asking how others will remember you, you challenge yourself to imagine how you will remember yourself and your choices. 

This decision-making test asks you to imagine you are in your senior years and in your favourite rocking chair.  You are looking back on your life and career, and the decisions you made.  From this perspective, look at your current choice and how you might remember and judge this decision years later.  As you reflect on this matter, do you imagine you would smile, frown, feel regret, or be thankful, based on your actions? The rocking chair test opens a conversation with yourself that asks:

Is this matter really that important or significant in the long run?  Why?

Will  I regret not doing this?

Am I being too risk adverse?  What is stopping me from doing this? Are my anxieties real or imagined?

What is the worst that could or would happen?

Will my choice make my own and others’ lives better?

Will this matter make my bucket list more complete?  Does it belong in my bucket list?

Will this opportunity come around a second time?

Will I share this experience with my family as something to remember me by or provide guidance for their life?

Will my choice likely go into the good or bad decision column?

The rocking chair test will likely encourage you to say YES more often, and NO occasionally, when your desire for short-term pleasure opposes your long-term joy and wellness.  Being in my early rock chair years, I do recommend making YES your default choice.

Reflection Source: www.Smalmercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

Physically distance, never socially distance.

*: Nicky Gumbel, The Bible in One Year – a Commentary