RULES

I have never been a big fan or follower of rules.  Perhaps it is because I grew up in the rebellious late 60’s, or because I was a middle child trying to carve my own destiny.  However, in another way, I am an absolute subscriber to rules, subject to three constraints being:

First, there are not very many (maximum twenty);

Second, the rules are robust and based on strong first principles;

Third, although the rules may have their basis in the Bible, law or other wisdoms,  I have personally applied them to myself and made them MY INTERNALIZED RULES.

So, what do rules have to do with wellness?  A lot.  Rules can reduce what is called ego depletion.

   Ego depletion refers to the idea that self-control or willpower draws upon a limited pool of mental resources that can be used up.  When the energy for mental activity is low, self-control is typically impaired, which would be considered a state of ego depletion.” *

Temptations of all sorts are everywhere.  Being honest can be very challenging.  Dan Ariely wrote an insightful book on honesty.**   Based on his research, he noted  we are almost naturally inclined to being less than totally honest.  We have all sorts of irrational justifications for cheating.  He had few remedies to our cheating frailty other than rules,  which he followed almost unquestionably. 

Why do rules work?  They counter ego depletion; rather than debating the pros and cons of a choice, we automatically follow the rule and act accordingly.  Rules counter going down the slippery slope of saying YES and not knowing when or how to say NO.  I was raised with the Ten Commandments hardwired into my brain (my first ten rules) and that has made making better choices so much easier.  Rules free up a lot of wellness space, as ego depletion is significantly reduced. Rules provide borders if thoughtfully designed. 

Most rules are short and based on your values (don’t steal, show fidelity, avoid jealousy, etc), The challenge is to know what YOUR RULES ARE and WHY THEY MATTER AND DEFINE YOU.  It is amazing how empowering these personal rules can be. 

What are your rules?  If a young adult asked you what your life rules were,  could you readily list them?  Rules can significantly improve our wellbeing.  

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: Wikipedia

**: The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty, Dan Ariely

APOLOGISE, FORGIVE, FORGET

Relationships are complicated and wonderful at the same time. Not surprisingly, things do become problematic on occasion. Someone anonymously provided the following advice about relationship management:

The first to apologise is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest.

What true but difficult advice to follow, but well worth the effort.

For me, apologising is awkward, which is why being brave is so essential.  Saying “Sorry” does not come easy or frequently enough.  However, I have learned that being first to be sincerely regretful is remedial and constructive.

Forgiving is often the other side of the apologising sequence.  Accepting the “Sorry” often resets the relationship on a more positive footing.  However, what about those times when there is no apology:  is forgiveness unnecessary? That is where being strong and turning the other cheek comes into play.  Being first to forgive others quickens your healing and recovery.  Put in the negative:

Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die.*

Then there is forgetting.  Truly letting go of a past misdeed is not easy, but the alternative only makes the poison more toxic. In the best of all circumstances, the Apologise-Forgive-Forget cycle can be completed and the healing process settled.  When that is not going to happen, forgetting is the happiest outcome.  Sometimes for good reasons, when forgiveness is not an option, then forgetting and letting go is that much more urgent.  Unfortunately, bitterness is often the alternative to forgetting; and bitterness is the less happy place to be.  Being first to forget neutralizes the poison of past transgressions.

Being first to apologise, forgive and forget will make your relationships braver, stronger and happier.   

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*: Marianne Williamson

CAUSING INTENTIONS

One of the most effective strategies to improve our wellbeing is to intentionally re-frame our experiences in ways that are helpful, hopeful and constructive.  The challenge is how to make this re-framing a more automatic habit.

What I find  useful is to start by defining positive emotions that aid wellbeing (the list below details the ten positive emotions identified by Barbara Frederickson*):

Gratitude: Appreciating something that has come our way as a gift to be treasured. 

Hope:  A belief that things can change and be better in the future.

Joy: Feeling bright and light. 

Love: All the positive emotions when they stir the heart to engage and share with others in constructive relationships.

Pride:  A managed and modest feeling of achievement.

Serenity:  Savouring the moment; feeling that things are so right and comfortable. 

Amusement: Something unexpected but non-threatening happens that simply makes you laugh.

Awe:  Experiencing goodness and amazement on a grand scale.

Inspiration: Feeling uplifted; seeing better possibilities than usual.

Interest:  Feeling open and alive; your horizons are expanding with new possibilities. 

Next, I ponder whether there are other synonyms I have for these emotions which speak to me. Then I identify what I consider to be the opposite of these feelings.  To finish, I complete a simple exercise of breathing in the positive feelings and intentionally letting go of  its negative opposite. 

For example, I pause for about two minutes (ten breaths) and recite in my mind the following phrases:

Breathe in GRATITUDE, let go of GREED

Breathe in HOPE, let go of DESPAIR

Breath in JOY, let go of SADNESS

Continuing in like manner for the next seven emotions.

The fruit of this exercise is that gradually the positive emotions become more familiar and relevant. When their opposites emerge, I intentionally have a strategy to reject them in favour of their more optimistic partner. 

This exercise may take a little memory work to create and remember your intentional emotional pairs, but the consequence is you will have a deliberate well-being plan that is yours and works for you.

*:  Positivity by Barbara Frederickson

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INTERPERSONAL CONTACT

Often, I wonder how we, as humans, can come to such different conclusions when considering some of the important challenges facing us.  Whatever the issue: the environment, politics, race relations, sexuality, or religion, the differences and nuances of opinion can be myriad.  As a society, are we getting less tolerant of those who disagree with or differ from our own viewpoints?  Do we even know or strive to really understand what makes others take such radically opposing views to ourselves anymore, or do we just seek out those who agree with our standpoints?

We can all harbour prejudices or negative stereotypes towards those who disagree with us.  I do not like this conclusion, but I must accept it has some merit.  So how can I turn this situation around?

Two psychologists* completed a meta-analytic study on prejudice by reviewing the finding of over 500 studies, involving 250,000 participants in over 35 countries.  They came to an obvious but powerful conclusion.  Simply put,  interpersonal contact is one of the most effective ways to reduce prejudice. I found this finding very consoling and helpful.  Those troubling concerns I noted earlier are largely because I have no real contact with those with views or backgrounds different from my own and consequently, I form stereotypes which are often unhelpful or unkind.

It is problematic that I have too much contact with like-minded, socio-economic, ethnically similar people.  I must remember that we are a small minority of mankind.  Social media, news organizations and our own busy schedules can easily make it convenient to form associations of friends that are exclusive and insular. 

I must challenge myself to make more contact with  those who are different from me.  I must try to deliberately be more inclusive and tolerant.  I must accept the fact that others have a natural and legitimate prejudice against me, because they do not any have contact with me. 

Acknowledging and accepting that I have a natural but unhelpful tendency to be prejudiced is a good place to start in terms of turning this situation around.

*: T. Pettigrew and L. Tropp,  Does Intergroup Contact Reduce Prejudice? Meta-Analytic Finding, 2008

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SAVOURING THE MOMENT

A major tenet of mindfulness is to live in the present moment.  We are cautioned about venturing into the past, lest we ruminate in doubt and regret.  Savouring is an emotion and state of being which can be based partly in the present tense and partly in the past, depending on how we practice it. So what is savouring? 

Savouring is synonymous with appreciation. It covers all three senses of the word appreciate: to be thankful for something, to acknowledge the quality of something and to increase the value of something.   It is about really noticing, appreciating and enhancing the positive experiences in our life. By savouring we slow down and consciously pay attention to all our senses (touch, taste, sight, sound and smell). We stretch out the experience and concentrate on noticing what it is that we really enjoy. Through learning to savour, we can increase our capacity to notice what is good about our life, as well as appreciate these moments more fully. Evolutionary psychology suggests that humans have an inbuilt survival mechanism, called the negativity bias, which means that we tend to notice bad things in life before we see the good things. By mindfully savouring, we can  counteract this negativity bias and we can increase our well-being.*

Being in the present moment is about slowing down, concentrating on the  positive aspects of our experience and pondering how and why it feels so special.  What is the beauty that is lifting our spirits?  Is it the colour, smell, shape that is bringing us joy?  Speculate what is so right and if possible, share it with whomever you are with.

Savouring past joys is a habit I have matured.  It often starts with mindfully causing wonderful memories with the specific intent of remembering and reliving these memories later.  These are not ‘selfie’ memories, but rather special moments to savour now and remember for later.  When I savour in the NOW,  I ponder how I might re-create that serene moment again.  At other times I rummage through my memories and see if there was a similar joyful moment earlier and join that recollection with this past experience.  By savouring glorious moments, it crowds out disappointing incidents; I let go of those troublesome recollections and inventory my blessings.  Savouring is pro-active gratitude.

For me, savouring is one of my most powerful and effective antidotes to disappointment and regret.  Savouring fills me with gratitude and serenity, and life does not get much finer then that.

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*:  A Practical Guide to Positive Psychology: Achieve Lasting Happiness by Bridget Grenville-Cleave

MAN-KIND

Being KIND can be defined as having a good or benevolent nature or disposition; being compassionate and humane.  The antonyms (opposites) of KIND include being atrocious, barbaric or cruel*.  We as a species are known as MANKIND.  Ponder for a moment whether the notion of being kind has any merit as part of our nature.

Here is a parable of unknown origin.  It contains what I believe is a simple but profound truth: 

An old man says to his grandson: ‘There’s a fight going on inside me. It’s a terrible fight between two wolves. One is cruel – angry, greedy, jealous, arrogant, and cowardly. The other is kind – peaceful, loving, modest, generous, honest, and trustworthy. These two wolves are also fighting within you, and inside every other person too.’ After a moment, the boy asks, ‘Which wolf will win?’ The old man smiles. ‘The one you feed.’

It is interesting when world travellers like Michael Palin summarize their travel lessons: what is their almost universal recollection? They are profoundly impressed by acts of unconditional kindness from total strangers (and I can certainly confirm that conclusion from my travels).   Yet, when we are at home, do we always think kindly of our unfamiliar neighbours, or our community at large?  We can feed our cruel wolf a diet of judgement or suspicion about our fellow community members.  And then we find confirming evidence to reinforce our prior prejudices and misgivings.  Does it need to be so?

Our kind wolf, unfortunately, does not get out enough.  Random acts of kindness are its favourite food.  The human spirit has a special design feature which makes being charitable one of the most powerful elixirs to lift our spirits.  Our kind wolf does not need much food to become fully active and overwhelm our unkind wolf.  Once kindness is in play, it is amazing how much power it has against any foe.  Our cruel nature is actually very weak, it has a lot of energy but not much endurance, and it can easily be overcome by compassion.

So which wolf will YOU feed: the kind one,  or the cruel one?

*:  Merriam-Webster dictionary

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THE FIRST THOUSAND-YEAR-OLD HUMAN

I recently listened to a futuristic TEDx talk by Aubrey De Grey*.  He suggested that the first thousand-year-old human has already been born! He was excited and enthusiastic that the science was there to make it all come together soon…  the aging process could be stalled, and cell regeneration and other remedies started instead.  He seemed to imply that longevity was the ultimate holy grail for the all science, the goal of life itself.

My reaction was one of feeling troubled, but also rather pleased that I was likely to escape a 1,000 (or even 100) year fate.  I am older and very content to be nearing my best before date.  To imagine that the point or goal of my life is to live for an extremely long time is to misstate or misunderstand my personal raison d’etre; nothing is  further from the truth.

Is the meaning of life to merely live the longest, or is it to live a good life? Is the solution to mortality immortality?  Is being finite better than being infinite?  We are blessed with mortal and finite limitations, but it is our potential while in the finite stage that most inspires me.

Does living for longer necessarily enhance the overall quality of life? My personal guess is mine would be materially reduced.  If I had that much time, where would purpose fit in? Why concern oneself with living purposefully when there is always tomorrow?  Knowing I am mortal focuses my attention on making the most of my limited time on earth.  Take purpose  away from me and I might as well play with my smart phone ten hours a day and top that off with several hours of Netflix.  Longevity is not in opposition to purpose, but it could readily take away its importance. Time has a wonderful way of clarifying one’s attention.

I would rather live deliberately and purposefully, and experience the richness and awe of life, than be in some contest as to who can outlive others without purpose.  As I get older, the notion of purpose becomes more urgent, precisely because there is an end in sight. 

Many of you may disagree with me and that is wonderful. Please  consider how central purpose is to your life and live/plan your finite life accordingly.

*: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvWtSUdOWVI

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TODAY, TOMORROW OR YESTERDAY

I recently came across several wise observations about the consequences of not being  fully engaged in the present. Corrie ten Boom said,

Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength – carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time.*

Joyce Meyer has written,

Wisdom is our friend; it helps us not to live in regret. I think the saddest thing in the world would be to reach old age and look back at my life and feel nothing but regret about what I did or did not do. Wisdom helps us make choices now that we will be happy with later.*

Nicky Gumbel noted,

At one point in my life I developed a tendency to catastrophise – especially about my health.  I was really helped by someone who pointed this out to me and said that to catastrophise means to ‘overestimate the danger of tomorrow and underestimate your ability to cope with tomorrows challenges.*

There are three states of time: the past, present and future. Mo Gawdat ** studied how we divide out our present moments by living between these three-time frames, whether positively or negatively.  He summarized his findings, noting that we tend to spend most of our time in negative and other than present tense mindfulness.  We are preoccupied with the past or with the future, and can often experience negative  feelings (regret, sadness, remorse, despair, guilt, disappointment, anxiety, doubt, or fear). These emotions tend to overwhelm our present moment. 

Living in the present moment is a constant challenge.  When feelings of regret, despair, or anxiety flood our minds, try to draw your mind back to the present moment and away from negative worries or regrets. Replace negative emotions with more positive, hopeful ones, by deliberately choosing not to focus on negative emotions.  Being more in the NOW is an unnatural habit, but one worth mastering

*:The Bible in One Year – a Commentary by Nicky Gumbel

**: Solve for Happy  by Mo Gawdat

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SUFFERING OR RE-THINKING OUR LIMITATIONS

A reporter asked Greta Thunberg:  Do you suffer from Asperger’s Syndrome?

Greta’s answer:  “I would not say I suffer, but I have it”.

What a clever re-framing by this inspiring young environmental activist.*

I have had challenges, ranging from being dyslexic, left-handed, clumsy, and uncoordinated to having poor eyesight.  At first, I was not aware that anything was wrong at school, but then came  a long period of frustration and disappointment. A period of choice came in my early twenties: Was I going to SUFFER and feel like a VICTIM , or ACCEPT that I had these challenges and just get on with life?   

Deciding to accept my limitations was a wonderful relief, as each has its upsides and advantages.  For example, being dyslexic means that the learning process for me was more based around understanding ideas and the big picture, as I often have to read things many times and really think about what the writer is trying to say to understand something. This was a significant advantage when teaching in a university environment, as I have often had to think about something very carefully to try and understand it.  And then use this deliberate learning process and methodology for my lecture. My awkwardness has made me engineer many tasks to reduce the number of movements (and get used to falling or dropping things).  Laughing at myself and working with the novelty these limitations afforded has been a source of much success, joy and adventure. 

Using the erase test, where one removes an incident or circumstance in one’s life, you also remove ALL the subsequent consequences and knock-on effects of that matter.  Personally, I would not change or erase a thing and feel grateful for my limitations.  I am also very mindful, that were these matters removed, there would be new ones to replace them, so better the devil I know than the one I do not know!

EVERYONE has issues and challenges.  The decision we must make is: do we suffer from them, accept them, or better still, convert them into opportunities or blessings?

Currently we are all under some type of Covid constraint: are you going to suffer it, accept/tolerate it, or make the best of these weird times? A little bit of optimistic resilience won’t make Covid go away, but it will make our present moment that much better.

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

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*The film, I am Greta comes out this Autumn.  The trailer looks promising

COMPETE OR COMPLETE

I have taught business in a university environment for over thirty-five years.  Over these years I note that the favour and focus of  learners,  society  and faculty has changed.  Sadly, it seems business has become overly focused on profit, market share, WINNING and a blind faith that the marketplace should decide what is proper, moral or constructive.   In the early  ‘80’s, business and financial matters received far less media attention.  Not so today: financial concerns seem to justify too much of what society values and measures.   Is there a better way to be financially and socially successful?

John C. Maxwell* suggested a change in our financial mindset from competing to completing.  Maxwell describes the competing attitude as focusing on WIN-LOSE, excluding others, scarcity, selfishness and zero sum.  A completing attitude values WIN-WIN, including others, abundance, selflessness and growth.

Yes, the competing perspective has significantly improved our standard of living.  However, a phenomena called the ‘Easterlin paradox’ notes that over the past fifty years or more, per capital income adjusted for inflations has more than doubled, but measures of personal happiness in the West have remained constant at 30%, meaning that about 30% of the population continues to describe themselves as happy.** 

The most rewarding aspect of the completing mindset is that it brings joy, gratitude and serenity to us and others.  You may be a little less wealthy, but you feel so much healthier and more connected to others.

After all this improvement in our material wealth it seems like it is time to shift to a completing, cooperative and collaborative perspective.  Competition and our current capitalist model needs to become more inclusive.  The issues of climate change, inequity and intolerance are not topics that competing seems designed to resolve in a timely manner.

Consider replacing WIN-LOSE challenges to WIN-WIN opportunities, and we will all be better off. 

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

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*:  Leadershift by John C.Maxwell

**: Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth by Ed Diener, Robert Biswas-Diener

10,000 INFLUENCES

In ourselves, we can be both very influential and very influenced.  According to  sociologists, even the most isolated individual will influence 10,000 other people during his or her lifetime!*  We are in turn significantly influenced, on average, by at least 25 colleagues, 14 family members and 150 friends and associates over a lifetime.**  That is  a lot of influence going around!  Put another way, we are all rather influential and impressionable.

Being able to influence well over 10,000 others, to me, is an awesome opportunity to make a positive difference in the lives of others.  The example we set by what we do (and don’t do) impacts greatly on others.  In the smallest of ways, both privately and publicly, we should try to set a good example by living uplifting and constructive lives.  Younger folks are watching and noting accordingly.  What values do you find most central and essential to who you are?  Do you actively promote and reinforce these qualities within your circle of influence?  Would others know that these attributes are central to your identity?

Being significantly influenced by about 200 others seems reasonable to me.  I would suggest that about 20 people influenced most of who and what I became, without any one of them I would be a different person.  These 20 had faith in me, were excellent role models, were kind and patient, mentored and monitored me along the way and opened doors.  The next 180 keep me on my path, encouraged me and taught me the finer skills of life.  A limited few were examples of what not to do, especially useful in its own way.

I recently sent a sincere thank you to one of my key enablers, something I would truly recommend.

Being influenced by so many should make us mindful of the company and influencers we associate with or follow.  Role models matter.  On the influential side, perhaps there are some younger folk you could potentially mentor. 

Overall, consider the influences on your own life, and see if you can make these relationships more constructive and effective.

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: Developing the Leader within you 2.0  by John C. Maxwell

**: https://blog.adioma.com/counting-the-people-you-impact-infographic/

ENJOY JOY

Joy is one of the most essential positive emotions.  Often it is used interchangeably with happy, but joy is a deeper and more profound state of nature than being happy.  Joy is defined as  a feeling bright and light.  Colours seem more vivid.  There’s a spring in your step.  You feel playful.*

Isn’t  joy wonderful?!  Yes, but do we actually pause and allow ourselves to enjoy and experience it enough?  Or do we just go on to the next item on our agenda without a moment to savour it?

Most of the joy I experience daily is in small doses of pleasure and wonderful surprises.  When I have a short burst of joy, I like to reflect on how fortunate I am for that minor good fortune.  This mindfulness automatically makes me pause and count that blessing.  And that awareness opens me to more instances in the day where things go my way.  My threshold for joy is rather small, like when I get a green light or a glimpse of a well-cared for garden, so I savour it.  The more I am prepared to find joy in daily and often trivial activities, the more happiness and wellness I encounter.   I find that the trick is to allow for joy, being watchful for joyful moments.  The more mini-joys you savour, the more you open yourself to larger moments of joyfulness. Being joyful is intentional: it involves  looking for glimmers of promise or surprise.  The savouring aspect of joy is the biggest reward. 

Being joyful is also non-judgemental or comparative.  Judging or measuring our joy against some standard or expectation is counter-productive and diminishes our pleasure. It can rob you of joy altogether, leaving you forever unsatisfied with your lot.  As the Smaller Cup idea suggests, the relatively fuller our cup of life is, the more joy we will experience, as we are more easily satisfied.  Letting go of judgement and comparison materially enhances our joy.

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

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*: Positivity by Barbara Frederickson

FAIRNESS AND GRATITUDE

How many times have you heard someone say, “It not fair!”? It seems that when things do not go our way in life, we often decide that life is not fair, and biased against us.

But what does “fair” mean?  When we toss a coin it has a 50/50 chance of being a head or a tail.  An equal chance. But is it possible to get equal chances at everything in life?  If you work diligently, should you always get what you are aiming for? 

Is life itself fair? We all face challenges and setbacks. Others do not always play by our perception of the rules, and we do not always get equitable treatment.  No one is promised a life without impediments.  But isn’t that what makes life ‘real’ and a continuous learning journey?  Why would one be ambitious and hopeful if life was a done deal and your success guaranteed? Where would the excitement and challenges that make life a rewarding experience come from? How would a human being develop character without hardship and struggles? How would a human being develop empathy without suffering?  Some unfairness builds stamina and resilience.

Without too much effort, I can identify a dozen or more significant “unfairnesses” in my life.  But I would NEVER describe my life as being other than enormously blessed.  Why is this so? 

Because I am an accountant, by nature and inclination, I look at fairness as a measurement issue.  Depending on how and what you measure to define fairness makes all the difference.  It is not by accident that this blog is called “Smallercup”.  This name suggests that if you calibrate fairness based on the relative fullness of your cup, you can feel very blessed or cursed without a change in your circumstances.  If you choose to feel grateful, focused on your ambitions but realistic in what you want, your life will be most bountiful.  A smaller cup makes your win/loss ratio about 75/25 because you set yourself up for greater success and joy. 

Rather than framing life through an  ‘unfair vs fair’ framework, look out for the good things that regularly come your way.  It is amazing how your outlook can change if you are prepared to acknowledge the good fortune that frequently comes your way.  Carefully consider whether your definition and calibration of fairness is constructive and useful.   Just by being more mindfully grateful your personal sense of fairness will materially improve.  And this gives you the energy and motivation to make others’ lives fairer. 

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

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HAVING FEWER CARES

Between Covid, politics and elections, the economy and the environment, there seems to be no end to the number of things that one might be anxious about.  Unfortunately, anxiety is inversely correlated with well-being: the more anxious you are, the less you will feel well.

In the last few months, I have decided to:

·         stop watching the news before I go to bed,

·         avoid the newspapers with their sensationalist take on everything,

·          largely boycott violent or pointless movies. 

Essentially, I have put myself on a diet of reduced negative or unhelpful stimuli. I have removed from my agenda matters which are beyond my control or influence to positively improve. Instead, I look for hopeful or helpful experiences which can encourage a sense of gratitude and optimism.

Letting go of so much noise certainly has made my world much lighter and more manageable.  I have less concerns to worry about and feel less overwhelmed.  Having fewer cares is most empowering as you become more carefree.  This focuses your attention on what really matters, where to put your energy and resources and how not to get caught up in concerns beyond your control.  There are about a dozen things on my agenda that I pro-actively care about and for each it is solutions, not complaints, that I concern myself with.

One of the upsides is in realising where I can make a difference. I can align my priorities with my worries.  Take Covid, something on everyone’s hit-list of angsts.  Are you going to get all worked up about finding a vaccine, where the next hotspot is, who isn’t wearing a mask or how we are going to pay for the consequences?  Or will you sensibly, caringly, and non-judgmentally use physical distancing, wearing a mask and a smile to reduce its spread?  Or the environment: how about just doing your part to reduce your eco-footprint and picking up the litter near your home?

Having fewer cares actually means caring more about your local situation. It involves thinking about how you can enact change in line with your values. It significantly improves your wellness.  The calm which this optimism encourages naturally evokes gratitude, the ultimate well-being vitamin.

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

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TIME OUT**

Do you often feel rushed and stressed?  Do you wonder where all that time went?  Do you imagine you are busier and have less leisure time than those of earlier generations?

Actual data tells an interesting story. British workers worked on average 1,813 hours per year in 1979, and in 2015 worked 1,674 hours per year; Canadians went from 1,841 hours to 1,482 hours over the same period; Americans from 1,829 to 1,790 hours and the Germans from 2,186 hours per year in 1979 to 1,371 hours per year in 2015.*  With the exception of pre-historic societies (who apparently are estimated to have worked 1,773 hours per year), no one has had more free time per year than ourselves, yet we often don’t feel relaxed or rested.  Why the dis-connect?  Why do we feel such time poverty?

There are lots of reason why we feel rushed and ill-at-ease with leisure and relaxation time.  Start with productivity.  The reason we have the extra time is because we are more effective and efficient with our working hours and we apply the same mindset to our free time. We want to maximize the output per hour of leisure, a contradiction in terms.  Can we multi-task and relax at the same time?  Not really, but we try none-the-less. 

‘Busy, rush, quick, fast, more’.  We seem to be addicted to activities that feed our anxious nature.  Are we afraid we may discover something about ourselves if we slow down?  What will others think if  we aren’t busy?!

Then there is TV, the 800-pound gorilla in the room, which on average we watch over 22.5 hours of every week, not including streaming services such as Netflix.  And afterwards, we confess watching TV is one of the least meaningful leisure activities we do.  Yes, TV does provide pleasure, but it is rather short on purpose, which is where the guilt comes from.   An excellent starting point to solve the ‘busy’ dilemma is to monitor media consumption. Often, this is where our leisure time gets drained.

‘Time perspective’ refers to whether you are typically living in and focusing on the present, the past, or the future and whether that focus is positive, neutral, or negative. When you have time out, are you focused on the present moment in a positive way or pondering/planning the past or future with a worrisome or anxious perspective?

If we want to benefit from our leisure time, the science suggests focusing on relationships, constructive experiences, acts of kindness (volunteering), slowing down (no multi-tasking), fitness, and personal growth.  As they say, smell the coffee and savour the moment.

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*:  Source: www.Clockify.me/working-hours

**:  Some of these ideas came from, Time for Life: The Surprising Ways Americans Use Their Time, by John Robinson, Geoffrey Godbey

C.V. OR EULOGY?

During our career, we develop a C.V  that summarizes our employment skills and achievements.  This proudly exaggerates (let’s be honest) what we have done.  When you read your résumé, don’t you smile at some of those milestones along the way; how those early successes now look so minor, but at the time they were huge?  They all helped to get you to where you are today.

While you were accumulating all that experience and expertise, you were also crafting your eulogy. What a different text that is!  Rather than describing what you did or can do, it summarizes how you are remembered.  Rather than being framed as a human doing, the eulogy sees you as a human being: what were your endearing qualities, virtues and quirks that made you the person you were.  Your morals and values are the central pieces of your eulogy, not your wealth, education, or titles.

Your C.V and eulogy need not be in conflict: there is a wonderful synergy between the two if you keep your eye on the long term.  As you build your career, regularly compare your achievements against an ethical/morale code and see how they measure up.  What do these feats suggest about your character, integrity, wisdom, and judgement?  Fortunately, your past will come to bless (or haunt) you.  Keeping your eulogy in the back of your mind is a powerful self-correcting device to keep you on a better path.  Small upstanding actions early in your career will make your skill development more significant and remarkable. 

Smarter hiring and promotion strategy look for integrity first: you can always train someone to become more skilful.  Training someone to be honourable or virtuous does not work very well or easily, because it must come from within and naturally.  I will always prefer a person of average skill but strong ethics over a brilliant person with suspicious ethics.

Independent of your résumé, it is important to pause and imagine how you will be remembered.  What difference did you really make?  Will you be remembered for your kindness and selflessness, or will it be just the toys and the titles you acquired? And be mindful that the more joyful and redeeming your eulogy, the more purposeful and successful your actual career likely was. 

          Physically distance (when required), but never socially distance.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?*

The number of times that things have not gone to plan in my life must now be in the many thousands.  With each of these disappointments or unsuccessful outcomes, there were many possible reactions:  I could be angry, disappointed, blameful, frustrated, resigned, reflective or grateful.

Over the years, I have decided that the best perspective to take was to ask the question:

What have I learned?

‘That result was a real let-down’. ‘That person’s carelessness did affect me’.  ‘The way I was treated was very unfair’. It is easy to dwell on the negatives, but I think it is better to gear one’s thinking in a positive direction, as most other reactions get you nowhere and perhaps even in trouble.

How can you do this?  It starts by how you frame the situation. Admit it if you made a mistake and are largely at fault.  Laugh at yourself, as there likely was some humour in your predicament.  Don’t awfulize and generalize that the result is now the new normal.  Don’t take it too personally.  Don’t give rejection too much authority. Acknowledge that blaming others is self-defeating and usually not the full picture. An interesting anecdote is that if you criticize others less, you will experience less trauma when you let yourself down.

Disappointments are opportunities to re-visit the WHY and HOW behind the event. Try re-framing failures as an unexpected result which can be avoided in the future.  At least you were trying!  A life without regular setbacks and disappointments is boring and uneventful.  If you don’t make mistakes it suggests you are in a rather fixed and comfortable place, but you may be stagnating and failing to grow in maturity because you avoid risks.

Learning from your smaller mistakes can encourage you to make better decisions in the future.  I often set up small experiments to see how something works.  I imagine a result and see if it occurs and when it doesn’t, it is a wonderful “science” moment to set up another trial-and-error exercise and figure out the puzzle.

Remember that successful people may have succeeded far more often than the ordinary person, but they’ve also failed far more often too!  Thomas Edison is remembered for the experiments that succeeded, but we forget how many time his experiments failed before he got there.

Asking, “What have I learned?” often and sincerely, like gratitude, is a useful tool to aid our well-being.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*:  Some of these ideas came from: Legendary Self-Discipline: Lessons from Mythology and Modern Heroes by Peter Hollins

DESSERTS

Last week, I visited a quaint bakery which had a wonderful and inspiring sign on the wall:

DESSERTS is STRESSED spelt backwards.

Just what I needed to see and do.  I don’t know about you, but I am getting Covid fatigue. Putting a wellness spin on these troubling times is beginning to wear thin and at times hollowing out.  I know it is okay to not be okay, but that doesn’t make being mindful and hopeful easy, pleasurable or purposeful.

This simple suggestion has become my quiet mantra as I must intentionally and mindfully re-frame these sterile and stressed times to keep my spirits up.  When I find my feels becoming challenged and negative, I remind myself of the DESSERTS versus STRESSED trade-off. 

I consciously ask questions such as: Where is the silver lining in my circumstances?  Where can I find stories with happy endings and exalt the positive aspects of our times? How can I frame my situation to encourage a hopeful, constructive outcome?  How much of my imagined situation is awfulizing and ruminating self-talk? What news articles or outlets should I avoid?  How can I neutralize the stress? Where is the dessert (peace and contentment)?

We have been in Covid lockdown mode for at least five months and there is more to come unfortunately.  What is your Covid mental health survival strategy?  What triggers and reminders do you need to activate  protect yourself against the gloom?

When you feel you are becoming stressed, think about desserts and frame your moment so it is sweeter and better.

Physically distance, never socially distance.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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YOUR EXPLANATORY STYLE

Imagine the scene: something noteworthy happens to you, evoking an emotional reaction, and later that day you describe the event to a friend.  The way you explain this event goes a long way to summarizing your state of well-being, and how you view your circumstances in terms of being an optimist or pessimist.

One way of looking at optimism and pessimism is as different explanatory styles. An explanatory style means the way we explain our experiences or the events which happen to us. Research has found that optimists and pessimists have different explanatory styles. Optimists attribute the cause of NEGATIVE events and experiences to external, specific,  and transient factors.  Pessimists do the opposite; they attribute the cause of bad events to internal, global and permanent factors. Interestingly, these positions are reversed when we explain POSITIVE events and experiences. Optimists think about good outcomes as being personal, permanent, and pervasive, whereas pessimists think the opposite (external, specific, and transient).*

But is this the end of the story for a pessimist? No!

Intentionally, you can challenge your pessimistic summary of events and experiences by changing one’s explanatory style.  One highly effective way of becoming more optimistic is to monitor your explanatory style and challenge the negative explanations you make. Psychologists call this disputing.  

It may sound pompous or naïve that when something wonderful occurs you take credit for it and presume it to be the new normal.  Or when things go poorly, to assume that is it not your fault and an exception.  But would you rather assume it is your fault, pervasive and permanent? That is usually not the whole picture and anymore truthful either. 

Dare to be intentionally hopeful, modestly proud, and grateful for your blessings.  Let go of ruminating about life’s missteps and taking them personally, assuming they will persist.  Being an optimist won’t necessarily change your life, but it will significantly improve how you experience your life. And isn’t that one of the goals of improved well-being.

Physically distance, never socially distance.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: A Practical Guide to Positive Psychology: Achieve Lasting Happiness, Bridget Grenville-Cleave

YOUR FUTURE SELF

Everyone has a present and a future self. Your present self is how you see yourself in your own mind, today, as you are.  Your future self is the person you may imagine yourself to be in the future. Take a look at this future self:  How is this self the same or different from your present self?  Are you happier? Have you learned new skills? Are you kinder? A better partner? Are you healthier? Do you relate to this future self or are they so far removed from your present self that they are really a stranger? Is it a realistic prediction of who you could become, or is it more like a fantasy?

Hal Ersnere-Hershfield from UCLA has extensively researched how our present and future selves influence our long-term well-being.  Your future self significantly affects the trade-offs you make between your present and future circumstances.  He suggests that the less you actively contemplate the correlation between your present and future self, the greater the disconnect between the two will be, and the more your future self will be a fantasy figure.  Deferring gratification and strengthening your willpower are all about making your future self a better version of your present self.

Take for example, the issues of saving for retirement,  future education, fidelity, or healthier lifestyles.  The more you are mindful of the long term consequences of your immediate actions and how they could compromise or improve your future outcomes, the more these will be part of the trade-offs you make between the present moment and your future well-being.  Ersnere-Hershfield noted that those with strongly developed pictures of their future selves were better they at saving for retirement, managing  credit card debt, acting ethically and being purposely inclined.  He suggested that being dis-connected with one’s future self seemed to give one permission to ignore the consequences of one’s actions.*

Kelly McGonigal suggests three interesting ways to improve your awareness and accountability to your future self.  

1. Create a Future Memory. Imagining the future helps people delay gratification. You do not even need to think about the future rewards of delaying gratification – just thinking about the future seems to work.  When you picture the future, the brain begins to think more concretely and immediately about the consequences of your present choices. The more real and vivid the future feels, the more likely you are to decide in favour of things that your future self won’t regret.

2. Send an Email Message to Your Future Self.  Go to: www.FutureMe.org  and write an email that will be sent to you at a specified future date.  Describe to your future self what you are going to do now to help yourself meet your long-term goals. What are your hopes for your future self? What do you think you will be like? You can also imagine your future self looking back on your present self. What would your future self thank you for, if you were able to commit to it today? 

3. Imagine Your Future Self. Studies show that imagining your future self can increase your present self’s willpower. Can you imagine a hoped-for future self who is committed to the change, and reaping the benefits? Or a future self suffering the consequences of not changing? Let yourself daydream in vivid detail, imagining how you will feel, how you will look, and what pride, gratitude, or regret you will have for your past self’s choices. **

Your future self can be your best friend if you empower it to be your guiding light and inspiration for a wonderful future.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

Physically distance, never socially distance.

*: Future self-continuity: How conceptions of the future self transform intertemporal choice, Hershfield, H.E. (2011).

**: Maximum Willpower: How to master the new science of self-control, Kelly McGonigal