CALMNESS AND CLARITY

One of the goals of mindfulness is to have greater calmness and clarity in one’s life; being positively serene.  The following paragraphs capture the dilemma and challenge of being in a peaceful place.

“Imagine a very still, clear pool of water. The water is quite deep, but very, very clear. Because the water’s so clear you can see absolutely everything at the bottom, making it appear shallow, even though it’s actually very deep. Now imagine sitting by the side of this water and throwing small pebbles into the middle. Start off quite slowly, just throwing them every now and then. You’ll notice that each new pebble creates a ripple on the surface of the water, and that it takes a little while for the water to then settle again. If you then throw another stone in before the water has completely settled, you create a new set of ripples that merges with the last. Now imagine throwing one stone after the next and seeing the entire surface of the water all stirred up at the same time. When the surface of the water looks like this, it’s almost impossible to see anything in the water at all, never mind anything at the bottom.

This image reflects the surface of our minds in many ways. Each new thought, like a pebble being thrown into the water, creates ripples on the surface. We’ve got so used to throwing these pebbles, so used to the disturbance on the surface of the water, that we’ve forgotten what still water looks like. We know it’s not quite right as it is, but it’s as if the more we meddle with the mind trying to sort it out, the more ripples we create. Needless to say, when the mind’s all stirred up like this, it’s almost impossible to see what’s happening and what’s hidden under the surface. Because of this we don’t have any insight into the nature of mind – of how and why we feel the way we do. So, without first calming the mind, it’s very difficult to have any clarity.” *

So how can we increase our calmness and get that essential clarity?  May I suggest through meditation (or prayer).  Perhaps now, with us in various stages of lock down and a surplus of time, might be an excellent time to try out and start a simple meditation practice. 

I found the book (see below) with this quote to be one of the best, pure meditation guide (without the Eastern religion bias).   Seek to be calm - a useful antidote to anxiety and boredom.

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**: The Headspace Guide to... Mindfulness & Meditation: 10 minutes can make all the difference" by Andy Puddicombe

LET’S RE-FRAME OUR PRESENT

NOW is a very anxious time, isn’t it?  Covid-19 is real, dangerous, unsettling and upsetting.  However, at the heart of mindfulness is an awareness that one can change one’s perception of the present.  Mindfulness boldly states that it cannot change your reality, but it can change how you experience your reality.

Staying with Covid-19, one important question is how we frame this threat into our well-being, without being complacent or naïve. How can we be sensibly resilient, without putting others or ourselves at risk? 

I would suggest we need to frame Covid-19 into a balanced and hopeful scenario:  Let’s share the grief of those that have suffered personal loss, but let’s celebrate that there are tens of thousands of uneventful and ignored successful outcomes. (At least 158,688: we do not know the actual numbers, as only the reported cases whereas the most unfortunate outcomes are certain and discussed). Let’s manage the infodemic of sensational media coverage which neglects positive news as it doesn’t sell, and let’s mindfully limit the amount of Covid news coverage we digest daily, as it can numb both our immune system and our perspective.  Let’s seek out distractions that are engaging and that show the positive side of humanity.  Let’s investigate our spiritual side and see if it can provide us with some peace and serenity.  Let’s be generous, kind and charitable to others.  Let’s be grateful for what is going right in our lives.  Let’s express our gratitude and compassion to those we love.  Let’s be entertained with stories that have joyful and optimistic endings. 

Notice all the LET’S do this or that.  That’s mindfulness in action.  By deliberately framing and re-framing our present experience with encouraging and inspiring possibilities, we become more hopeful and our natural resilience grows.   And if your positive emotional reserve is running low, use gratitude and charitable thoughts and actions to refuel your tank.

Remember 40% of our present well-being is determined by intentional thinking, so adjusting our attention about the Covid-19 virus will certainly improve our well-being and spirits.

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MIRROR NEURONS

The British have this wonderful phrase called the “knock on effect” to describe how some chain of event or circumstance can influence later situations.  Our emotional state of mind and actions similarly can have profound positive or negative knock on effects.  And there is science to back up these ripple effects:

Scientists found something called mirror neurons: specialized brain cells that can actually sense and then mimic the feelings, actions, and physical sensations of another person. Let’s say a person is pricked by a needle. The neurons in the pain center of his or her brain will immediately light up, which should come as no surprise. But what is a surprise is that when that same person sees someone else receive a needle prick, this same set of neurons lights up, just as though he himself had been pricked. In other words, he actually feels a hint of the pain of a needle prick, even though he himself hasn’t been touched. 

As we pass through the day, our brains are constantly processing the feelings of the people around us, taking note of the inflection in someone’s voice, the look behind their eyes, the stoop of their shoulders. In fact, the amygdala can read and identify an emotion in another person’s face within 33 milliseconds, and then just as quickly prime us to feel the same.  Once people mimic the physical behaviors tied to these emotions, it causes them to feel the emotion themselves.

Smiling, for instance, tricks your brain into thinking you’re happy, so it starts producing the neurochemicals that actually do make you happy. Scientists call this the facial feedback hypothesis, and it is the basis of the recommendation “fake it till you make it.” While authentic positivity will always trump its faux counterpart, there is significant evidence that changing your behavior first— even your facial expression and posture— can dictate emotional change. *  

So what does this have to do with well-being?  Everything!!  We are both mirroring other’s emotions and actions but can also infuse others with how we are feeling.  Various estimates suggest there are nearly 1,000 people within three degrees of most of us (ignoring Facebook).  We can project our positive emotions and wellness to 1,000 others and improve their lives.  We can be like secondhand smoke and either bring people down or uplift their spirits.

Positive feelings will be mirrored by others and have awesome knock-on effects.   Please pass them on and multiply joy and well-being.

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*:  The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology that Fuel Success and Performance at Work  by Shawn Achor 

PERSPECTIVE

The world seems in chaos and confusion, with all the focus on the coronavirus.  What is going on?  Should I stock up on toilet paper and canned goods?  Have I got it already? Yes, I would rather than the coronavirus was not with us, but it is. 

Is panic or pause the better perspective in these troubling times?

I would suggest that panic is the least suitable response, perhaps only appropriate when things truly go off the rails, and perhaps not helpful even then.

Pause would suggest that we carefully research this challenge and start by defining what “bad”, “out-of-control” or “at personal risk of serious health consequences” means statistically and realistically.  What is the probability out of 100 (10,000?) that YOU are at serious risk of death or debilitation?  Pause encourages us to consider the financial costs to ourselves and others if we start to shut down the economy prematurely to manage this health threat.  I know that many individuals will experience financial ruin (bankruptcy), unemployment, delays in their education progress, family trauma and depression.  Anyone directly or indirectly associated with tourism, the service industry or who is part of an international supply chain is at serious economic peril if premature paranoia occurs.   Yes, there is an uncomfortable trade-off between the health and financial consequences when managing this dilemma, but the consequences of over-reacting will be real and profound.  Pause suggests a measured roll-out of our actions to manage this unfortunate situation. Is a few days of flu a reasonable cost if it prevents the economic/ emotional ruin of a friend or a community?

Perspective comes when we consider just how unique and serious the coronavirus really is.  Worldwide as of 19:17 GMT, March 9th,2020 there were 111,817 coronavirus cases, 3,843 deaths and 62,722 recoveries*.  Not great news, but looking at prior years what can we learn?

An estimated 80,000 Americans died of flu and its complications in the winter of 2018, the disease’s highest death toll in at least four decades. The director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Dr. Robert Redfield, revealed the total in an interview Tuesday night with ‘The Associated Press’. In recent years, flu-related deaths have ranged from about 12,000 to — in the worst year — 56,000, according to the CDC….. The 2018 season peaked in early February. It was mostly over by the end of March, although some flu continued to circulate.@

Consider, is this quote good or bad news (as there were 327.2 million Americans in 2018)?  Are we anywhere near these results? I am not suggesting that you behave recklessly as if there was no risk out there, but to wait cautiously as we learn more.  Perspective suggests looking at the big picture, putting things into some scale as in risk per 1,000, weighing the uncomfortable pros and cons and realizing there are consequences, with over-reaction and pessimism not always the best or timely action. Please remain calm, vigilant, and considerate of others. Be tolerant and don’t stockpile any more toilet paper!

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*: www.Worldometers.info

@: ASSOCIATED PRESS, SEPTEMBER 26, 2018

KINDNESS, PATIENCE, THOUGHTFULNESS

Look carefully at your most prized relationships and ask:  “What is the most essential ingredient in these relationships?”  Yes, love.  But love is a rather vague catch-all word.  How about kindness, patience and thoughtfulness?  Wouldn’t it be awesome if you gave and received these unconditional expressions of love?

As these words are so rich and subjective, I thought it might be useful to look up their definitions in Wikipedia.  And here is what I learned:

Kindness is as the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.

Affection, gentleness, warmth, concern, and care are words that are associated with kindness.  

Patience is a person's ability to wait something out or endure something tedious, without getting riled up.

Thoughtfulness is showing consideration for others; considerate, being mindful or heedful of the well-being of others.

Your relationships would likely appreciate extra dosages of kindness, patience and thoughtfulness, but how do you make that happen?  Start by consciously putting in these same ingredients.  When matters get harried, consider which would be the best medicine, or ponder whether there is tension because they are lacking.  When everything is going well, observe how mindfully upping the amount of kindness, patience and/or thoughtfulness makes that moment even better.  Also, be alert to when you receive these responses from others and note how it improves your relationship.

Once you have done several proactive experiments with these emotions, share what you have learned with your partner or friends.  Encourage them to be open to using kindness, patience and thoughtfulness to show and receive affection.

Mindfully giving and receiving kindness, patience and thoughtfulness certainly improves any relationship.  Do some experimenting and see what happens.  Nothing to lose, and everything to gain!

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THE CONFIRMATION BIAS

There is too much disagreement, anger and division.  Whether it is Brexit, Donald Trump or climate change, there are such polarized and uncompromising views.  I am right and you are wrong; I am wise and you are foolish and I can prove it.  See, this is what I just read!

Psychologists and economists note that people have a strong and natural inclination to seek out information that confirms their views and dismiss information that contradicts their opinion.   They call it the confirmation bias.  The confirmation bias is the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms or strengthens one's prior personal beliefs or hypotheses, and overlooks or trivializes whatever contradicts that opinion.  We feel we are right and the evidence supports our conclusion.  The only problem is that someone else holds exactly the opposite view, and was also able to find supporting evidence to support their contrary view. 

This isn’t about fake news, propaganda or mis-truths.  Rather, there are thirty or more facts or half-truths out there and each side’s media picks and chooses those ten facts that suit their narrative and subscribers’ views.  No one wins and the debate gets more heated.  Each side becomes more polarized and refuses to listen or entertain the other’s perspective.  The divisions multiply and actual debate or resolution becomes more difficult and in fact unwelcome.  The only solution seems to be for the other side to admit defeat and repent.

Sounds rather hopeless, but is this not a realistic summary of the views on most complex matters?  Is there a solution?  YES!!

I suggest that to start, one should respectfully listen to those opinions which are contrary to yours and acknowledge that some of their points have merit.  Read media that promotes views that are different from your own so you can appreciate where that other perspective is coming from.   Accept the fact that your view has some negative or problematic features. The hallmark of true and functioning democracy is tolerance, please exercise and be tolerant when differences emerge.  Finally, if you strongly disagree with someone’s’ opinion, that does not mean that person is a bad person.  Branding others with labels like enemy, evil, ignorant or the like because you disagree with them is neither helpful, fair nor kind.

By definition complex issues very rarely have 100% “correct or ideal” solutions.  The reason they are complex is because the trade-off required to resolve these matters is not black and white, but grey.  The ultimate solution is likely in a tight range between 50%   +/-   10%, and you largely agree on most of the aspects of the issue, it is just that in the final balance and solution you may differ with others.

Please let our differences be governed by tolerance, patience, civility, open-mindedness and compassion.  Please lighten up on your confirmation bias.

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SHARING YOUR POSITIVE EMOTIONS

The ten positive emotions are such a blessing. Tapping into feelings of joy, love, pride, hope, serenity, gratitude, awe, amusement, interest and inspiration* will significantly improve your present.  However, are there other ways to make these feeling flourish and multiply?  Earlier I suggested you mindfully experience times when you are in one of these emotional states.

Another suggestion is to mindfully express or share with others your thoughts when you are feeling positive.  Sharing with someone else your positive feelings increases the intensity of that moment for you, but also uplifts the spirit of that other person, which improves your spirits even more.  The synergy is real and spontaneous.  You can even go further in this sharing approach top well-being.  Listen to others when they express uplifting moments and phrase their experience through the “positive emotion” lens and see how  it resonates within you.

If you use social media, capture that special moment and share it in terms of the positive emotions or similar words that speak to you.  Those receiving your message will then be able to tap into similar emotions and identify more precisely with you. The bounty of these positive emotions is that they are like paint, they can make your present more colourful, complete and joyful. 

Framing and re-framing your moments by experiencing and sharing them will enhance both your own and others’ well-being.

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*:  You might want to look at the Reflection of February 26th, 2019 for an expanded description of these ten positive emotions.

*: Source:  Positivity by Barbara Frederickson

EXPERIENCING POSITIVE EMOTIONS

Positive psychology research suggests there are ten positive emotions which capture or describe being in a state of well-being or happiness.  These ten emotions are: joy, gratitude, hope, love, pride, serenity, amusement, interest, awe and inspiration.* Indeed, being in situations where these feeling are ripe is wonderful, but there can often be something missing.

Yes, you are full of joy, gratitude, love, hope, but is that it? For me, too often I overlook letting these positive emotions becomes positive experiences.  Being in the moment does not necessarily mean you are mindful of the wonder of that moment.  That extra alertness of pausing to let the subtle glory of that moment resonate within you is the blessing mindfulness can bring.

With a little non-effort any positive emotion can be enhanced.  I call it non-effort for a reason. Non-effort means with full awareness appreciating the awesomeness of being there NOW and giving up the effort of our otherwise naturally tendencies to analyze that moment:  stop judging, evaluating, or ranking the experience. 

Make it a habit or ritual to regularly take an inventory of your immediate situation and see how many of these ten positive emotions are present and active NOW.  See if you can frame that NOW moment with these colourful feelings.  With some concentration try to add a few of these emotions that were not at first obvious and then let the glow of these feeling be fully experienced. 

Mindfully experiencing the NOW is taking that NOW to the next level.

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*:  You might want to look at the Reflection of February 26th, 2019 for an expanded description of these ten positive emotions.

*: Source:  Positivity by Barbara Frederickson

LETTING GO

Anyone that tells you that letting go is easy is understating the challenge of actually letting go.  Clinging to past misdeeds, regrets or current challenges can hold you back and undermine your well-being.

When it comes to matters of the past, letting go means either forgiving the wrong doer and/or resolving to learn from your misfortune and not let it happen again.  If the pain continues to haunt you, discuss the matter with cherished friends or get professional counseling.  The worst thing you can do is to harbour or ruminate on this past transgression, as you get stuck in an unhelpful rut of anger, regret, remorse and anxiety.

Letting go of an anxiety about a present or prospective matter is a different issue.  The process starts by identifying: “What is it that I am letting go of?”  Is it the challenge itself, THAT person and my reaction thereto, the annoyance, the uncertainty, or something else?                                                                        

For me, letting go is largely about giving up control over the outcome and accepting that the resolution is beyond my influence.   Rather, I focus on what I can do about this situation.  I focus on the idea that there is something I can change, and change it if I can.  Planning, carefully considering the pros and cons, and pondering alternatives are actions which are TOTALLY UNDER MY CONTROL.  It is effortful to contemplate and execute these controllable actions, which makes letting go of the consequences easier, because I know I have done my very best.

Like strategies to improve your confidence, it is useful to distinguish between effort (which you have control over) and results (which can be beyond your control).  Having confidence that you gave your best effort improves the likelihood that better outcomes will result.  Similarly, focusing on your effort and preparation makes letting go easier and more consoling.   Anxiously dwelling on outcomes beyond your control cannot be helpful or constructive. 

Focus on what you can change or control and put your effort there, then let go of the rest.

Or, put another way, known as the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

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FRIGHTENING OR DANGEROUS?

Feeling fright is both essential and unhelpful, depending on the situation.  The fight or flight innate reflex implanted into humankind has certainly saved each of us from harm many times.  Fright caused you to jump back from an approaching car or to decide to avoid that deserted street at night.  However, has too much fright robbed you of much happiness and adventure?

 The epidemiologist Hans Rosling noted:

“Frightening” and “dangerous” are two different things. Something frightening poses a perceived risk. Something dangerous poses a real risk. Paying too much attention to what is frightening rather than what is dangerous— that is, paying too much attention to fear— creates a tragic drainage of energy in the wrong directions. ……. I would like my fear to be focused on the mega dangers of today, and not the dangers from our evolutionary past.” *

 Fear often occurs because we confuse frightening with dangerous.  Fright or fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat which is often highly unlikely.  Take terrorism as an example.  The likelihood of being killed in a terrorist event in the West is 20 times less than being killed in a natural disaster, 14 times less than being murdered but 50 times more than being killed in a plane crash.  More people are killed by bees or horses than terrorists.  But what do we hear about?  Bees, horses or terrorists!!

 Danger is risk that is really out there, based on actual threats. Hans notes:

“The world seems scarier than it is because what you hear about it has been selected— by your own attention filter or by the media— precisely because it is scary.”

We don’t hear about safe outcomes, uneventful but wonderful adventures (unless they are a travel documentary) or happy endings, because they are deemed uninteresting and boring”

In finance the way risk taking is posed is by answering this real life trade-off question:  Do you want to eat well (take more risk) or sleep well (take less risk?) Regardless, the more risk you take the more you will earn.  That’s life.  

There is no right answer to the risk taking/caution dilemma, but that doesn’t mean you should be indifferent or unaware of the trade-offs. 

Regardless of your mindful choice, you unconsciously make the choice to be cautious or take a risk many times a day.  Please temper your conclusion with the occasional reality check: your well-being might appreciate it.

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*: "Factfulness: Ten Reasons We're Wrong About The World - And Why Things Are Better Than You Think" by Hans Rosling, Ola Rosling, Anna Rosling Rönnlund 

THE PLEASURE – PURPOSE TRADE-OFF

The positive psychologist/economist Dr. Paul Dolan developed his Pleasure-Purpose well-being model.  Dr. Dolan was interested in how an individual allocates their effort and attention between the shorter and longer effects of an experience.  Was it extensively about the feelings in the present moment (pleasure – pain) or viewed through a longer term lens (purpose – pointless)?

Using an example of either watching TV (higher on pleasure and lower on purpose) or work (lower on pleasure, higher on purpose), how did people actually allocate their time?  As an economist, he was curious as to whether one’s use of time was efficient, and whether well-being could be improved by using one’s time differently.  He concluded by saying:

“Having said all of this, it is possible for me to make a general claim: if you have a lot more pleasure in your life than purpose, then you should spend a bit more time doing something that is purposeful. And equally, if you have a lot more purpose than you have pleasure, then you should spend more time engaging in pleasure. This claim is based on the law of diminishing marginal returns (in our case, to happiness), a concept that is very close to any economist’s heart.”

He continues and notes:

“Many of the assumptions we make about happiness and about ourselves have a lot to do with the fact that we generally pay more attention to what we think should make us happy rather than focusing on what actually does.”*

 Dr. Dolan reasonably suggests considering how one manages the pleasure – purpose balance.  By shifting as little as an hour a day to activities on the under-served side of the balance, one can materially improve one’s experience of well-being.  If you have been brought up to feel guilty about indulging in things merely for pleasure this could be tricky, but listen more to your heart and what actually works for you. Similarly, look for purposeful opportunities is you are short on your longer term agenda.

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*: Happiness by Design: Finding Pleasure and Purpose in Everyday Life by Paul Dolan 

SELF ADVISING

The psychologist Dr. Steve Peter suggested a clever way to identify who you are and how you might advise yourself accordingly.  He used the following scenario. *

"Imagine you are 100 years old and on your death bed with one minute left to live.  Your great-great-grand child asks you. “Before you die, tell me what I should do with my life” (1)

Pause for a moment and try to honestly answer the question within the next minute. You have just one minute, starting now. When the time is up and you have worked out what you would say to them, then continue reading.

Answering this question will identify what is important to you, what is the essence of who you are and what really matters to you. It is what life is all about to you. It is your raison d’etre, your reason for being.  Many of you will answer with statements such as, ‘it doesn’t matter what you do’, ‘be happy’, ‘don’t worry’, ‘take more risks’ and ‘make the most of it’. Whatever your advice was to your great-great-grandchild is really the advice to yourself. If you are not living by this advice, which is the essence of your existence, you are living a lie. Don’t live a lie; it will unsettle you more than anything else.”

It is highly likely that the “YOU you want to be” and the “YOU you are” are not the same.  You, like almost everyone else, are somewhat lying to yourself.  Re-solving this riddle is beyond a two minute reflection, but taking your own self-advice to others is a good place to start. If you are keen to unpack your self-mystery, do read ‘The Chimp Paradox’ (noted below): a clever, humorous, lay-person’s guide to brain science and wellness.

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"The Chimp Paradox: The Acclaimed Mind Management Programme to Help You Achieve Success, Confidence and Happiness" by Steve Peters

(1) Bertrand Russell said something along the same line when he noted, “I feel as if one would only discover on one’s death-bed what one ought to have lived for.”

NEUROPLASTICITY

A part of me used to believe that I cannot change, that what you see is what you get.  I was finished goods and largely set to stay the way I was.  Fortunately that is not true, one can change in often significant ways.  Scientifically this ability to change or “re-wire” the brain is called neuroplasticity. An adult’s mind is somewhat like plastic and can be re-shaped. What a wonderful possibility! One can become a better person, and well-being is a real possibility.  As positive psychology research has found, around 40% of our well-being is a function of our intentions and willful actions.  That’s a lot of scope for change and improvement.

But how?  To start, change is not automatic or unconscious, you have to be aware and intentional.  Habits take on average take 66 days of practice to be routine and part of your natural repertoire.  So be modest, and take baby steps that are within your reach. 

If you want to become, for example, more thoughtful, seek out or plan multiple daily situations where being thoughtful could be exhibited.  Re-frame the way you see and do things through a “thoughtful” lens.  Observe in others examples of thoughtfulness.  Bring thoughtfulness for others into your conversations.  Make those close to you aware of your new mission and ask them to acknowledge and praise you when you act thoughtfully.   Ponder the depth and breadth of thoughtfulness, how it has many characteristics and expressions.  Journalize your thoughtful achievements.  Pride in one’s success is one of the more positive emotions, so use it to encourage yourself that you are succeeding.  Expect setbacks and bad days.  Over those 66 plus days your brain will be subtly re-programmed to become more thoughtful. 

Neuroplasticity, being able to change for the better, enables your well-being to grow.  Positive change is deliberate, gradual, and awkward at times, but immensely rewarding.  So go for it.

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JUDGING OR THINKING

Carl Jung noted that: “Thinking is difficult, that’s why most people judge.” So true - UNFORTUNATELY!!

Being judgemental is toxic to our well-being.  Mindfulness starts with the expectation that one is non-judgemental of oneself and others and present in that moment.  Being judgemental unnecessarily and unhelpfully elevates our sense of status to being better, more correct or important than we are, or the opposite.  And how does that improve our well-being or spirits?

Proper judgement involves reasoning. It comes from a place of informed understanding, where we are able to truly see something from all perspectives. Very few truly significant issues are black and white, having a right answer or conclusion.  There is a significant difference between making a quick judgement of someone and making an informed, thoughtful and objective one.  The Bible says that only God can properly judge others, because only He sees the true motives of the heart. It encourages us to first of all examine ourselves before we think to judge others.

Conclusions that are more thoughtful are nearly always better, but we are encouraged to reserve judgement on others whenever possible. Sometimes we have to make judgements, and then it is important that we are as balanced as possible. Let’s be clear, that takes a lot of effort and critical thinking, but that is the nature of making an objective judgement, it takes a lot of thinking.  Thinking is difficult!  Being objective is equally difficult but essential.

Figure out what is especially essential in our life, become an expert thereof, seek constructively to be just and judgemental in these domains and let go of the rest.  Next, we should judge ourselves, and only afterwards should we proceed to judge others and other matters.

Letting go of our judgemental nature is extremely empowering, and grounding, but very difficult to do.  Start by deliberately judging less often and see where it takes you.  Definitely a work in progress project.

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EMOTIONS, SOLUTIONS (OR JUST LISTEN)

Occasionally I ask someone how they are doing and they proceed to tell me about their emotional highs and lows. Sometimes I reply to their struggles by telling them what they should do to solve their situation. The respondent than wonders why I bothered to ask about their feelings. Do you recognize this conversation cycle? 

Many find it useful and therapeutic to talk about their feelings without seeking resolution or input from the listener; they just want to release the stress they are experiencing at that moment. Blowing off some steam seems to improve their well-being and mood. Others, when asked how they are doing are rather private about their feelings, and say little about their turmoil. But when they do open up they are often looking for advice or solutions to their troubles.  

Neither perspective nor orientation is wrong (or right), better (or worse), it is just how you are wired.  The challenge is when personal matters are discussed that these styles of engagement (talking about feelings or seeking solutions) may not line up with the speaker’s preference.  Time to silence your problem solving urges as that may not be what the other person is looking for. 

How do you manage this dilemma?  Listening and not interrupting is essential in all cases; are you hearing lots of emotional adjectives or more situation specific details?  When you reply make sure you use the same type of vocabulary.  Avoid making judgements or premature suggestions, let the person keep on talking and ask questions rather than finishing their sentence or making assumptions.  And now the hard part, especially for the problem solver types – SHUT UP ON THE ADVICE/ SOLUTION STUFF, as generally this is exactly what is not desired or expected.  Likely just talking was useful and the talker feels better.  Note, generally problem solver types are reluctant to talk about their challenges.  It is therefore useful to ask if the person is seeking input or advice or just wants to let off steam, before you go down the solution road.

The constant theme running through this reflection is:  LISTEN CAREFULLY, SAY LITTLE, LET GO OF JUDGEMENT AND ASK IF ADVICE IS USEFUL BEFORE GIVING IT. 

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-FUL

The suffix “FUL” is an extremely empowering additive to life and well-being. Consider the follow “FUL” words:

Wonderful, grateful, peaceful, joyful, mindful, hopeful, beautiful, cheerful, thoughtful, respectful, insightful, trustful, truthful, faithful, thankful, fruitful,  merciful, meaningful, plentiful ..

What makes these “FUL” words so inspiring is that it implies one is FULL OF these positive emotions.  Not only is one FULL but also in the present moment or mindful.  MindFULness can be defined as the process of purposely bringing one's attention to experiences occurring in the present moment without judgment.  Mindfulness is a state of being where one is “FULL of the mind”.  You are totally in the present moment in a non-judgemental manner.  You let the moment fill you.  In advance you might set the intentions for your mindfulness.  By deliberately choosing those uplifting FUL emotions to fill the moment with you can improve your spirits materially.

If you imagine these “FUL” words and reverse the order so they start with “FULL OF” it can change your spirits and well-being quickly.  Wonderful becomes “full of wonder” or peaceful becomes “full of peace”.   Thankful becomes “full of thanks”.  Not only does the emotion feel different, it also feels more real, immediate and personal. *

As the name of this blog asks:  Is your glass half FULL, half empty or YOU JUST NEED A SMALLER CUP?  What is expected is that this cup is filled with these positive feelings of well-being.

Challenge yourself to be FULL and even FULLER of the wonder of the present moment. Enjoy the fullness of life by letting the wonders of life fill you.

*: Curious one of the most used FUL word is awful.  However, awful’s root is to be full of awe or being inspired, which is anything but awful, rather is awe-full.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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DON’T BELIEVE OR ACT UPON EVERYTHING YOU THINK

The ten - seventy thousand thoughts we think each and every day are not us (see April 9th for more on this issue). If we reduce these thousands of thoughts to those few that we make actionable, there is still a need for caution.  Why? Because a large percentage of these thoughts are not true and largely based on conjecture, incomplete information, false assumptions or emotional fast thinking.  And other are just not helpful or constructive.

Our mind is programmed to react quickly and instinctively to uncertain or potentially threatening stimuli.  The “better safe than sorry” response was essential to survival until very recently.  It was not useful to ponder whether that danger was real or imagined.  It was better to run, seek shelter or be on guard lest the threat was real.  Yet we continue this tradition of not questioning our assumptions, sources of information or expectations and going forward on mis-truths or wrong conclusions.  Far too often what we believe is other that true.  Rather what we believe is often convenience to our prior prejudices, goals or status quo.

Dan Milman noted that:  “You don’t have to control your thoughts.  You must stop letting them control you.”   Even if our thoughts are correct and complete, are they helpful or hopeful?  Just like questioning what we believe, we should also be on guard about why we believe them and whether that conclusion is going to make us a better person. 

Many of our truthful thoughts are dysfunctional and distracting.  Willpower, mindfulness and resolve needs to be applied to manage our speculative imagination and thinking.  Asking where these thoughts are taking us is useful. Are we ruminating?  Are our thoughts appealing to our better or worst nature?  Are these thoughts building us up or bring us down? 

We need to act like a principled judge and jury when we cede control of our thoughts and convert them into actions.  We should pick and choose those very few thoughts which are true, helpful, hopeful and well-being focused, and let them direct our actions. 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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PREDICTING OUR FUTURE (FAILURE)

There can be a self-fulfilling, rather prophetic nature to our life.  Consider this all-to-true riddle or Catch 22:

We learn from our past what to predict for the future.  Then we live in the future we expected.

Continuing, we predict the worst outcomes, not the best.  We will do less well in a presentation and our prediction comes true.  Or we want to lose weight or go to the gym but deep down inside we really don’t believe we can or will, and low and behold we underachieve. We are setting ourselves up for failure. Can we make this “pre-lived future” work for us? Can we undermine its destructive influence?

Yes, there are several strategies that we can do to make these self-fulfilling prophecies work for us.  The best place to start is to predict an attainable but reasonably challenging and wonderful future.  If your expectation is unrealistic, then by design you will fail.  Better to under-promise and over-deliver than to over-promise and under-deliver and fail.  Next, predict successful outcomes.  Imagine winning, achieving that realistic goal.   Turn this riddle so it works to our advantage by expecting positive outcomes. What also is helpful, if we have been unsuccessful in the past on this mission, is to re-frame this attempt as a FIRST TIME, even if it isn’t. Those previous attempts are plaguing us and setting us up for failure.  Mindfully LET GO of past disappointments or consider them irrelevant.  At the very least don’t let past disappointments set us up for another one next time around.  Let go of pre-conceived notions or ideas that are unhelpful or hold you back.

At the root of this cycle is the tendency to predict the future and fuss about the past.  Rather we should strive to be in the present moment and be mindful.  Being caught up in a loop between the past and the future compromises the NOW. Why not live the present moment, reframe it and believe it will is very well indeed?

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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MULTI-TASKING AND LISTENING

Can we really do two or more MEANINGFUL things at the same time? Try it out!  Can we engage in a purposeful conversation with a friend, and do a second important task like plan for tomorrow? Or solve two challenging tasks at the same time?  NO, doing two significant things properly at once is an impossibility.  More likely the results will be doing less well on both the tasks you are engaged in.

Somewhere in the past twenty years the word and notion of multi-tasking has developed a fame of its own.  People would proudly state that they were expert multi-taskers and the more tasks we could manage at once the more capable and employable we were.  More recently the tide of thinking is changing and questioning this earlier wisdom.  Should we be allowed to drive and talk on our cellphones?  Is walking about and playing games on our phone a good idea?

Neuroscience shows clearly that the brain cannot actually do two things at the same time and in fact it can be harmful.  Rather our mind goes back and forth between the different tasks and is not concentrating or thinking deeply on either.  It is on a stressed and unhappy automatic pilot.  Yes, we can walk, talk and chew gum at the same time, and that is the point. None of these tasks are difficult, important or dangerous.

Multi-tasking is also harmful to our well-being, especially as it relates to listening within conversations.  Listening is one of the most essential ingredients in a positive relationship, but are we actually listening or just pretending to?  Are we multi-tasking?  Paying careful attention and being mindful is difficult, and it is the opposite of multi-tasking.  Mindfulness requires us to be there for that person and what they are saying.  Often the level of our attention is a measure of the importance of the conversation and that person.

Next time we are in a dialogue with someone dear to ask: “Am I taking them for granted? Am I trying to get points or be witty?  Am I bored?  Do I just want to be heard? Am I really there in mind and spirit?  Is what I have to say more important than what they have to say?”  Probably the answer to some of these questions will be discouraging, but ask them anyway and listen to our answer. It is a struggle to act responsibly and thoughtfully.

I note that both uni-tasking and being a better listener are challenging.  I am definitely a work in progress on both those scores, but trying hard.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: Travis Bradberry, Ph.D. Multitasking Damages Your Brain and Your Career, 2014 TalentSmart® www.talentsmart.com.

DON’T QUIT OR SEND THAT!

Imagine you’ve just had an unfortunate experience and you are very discouraged by it.  You want to quit whatever because at this moment it is just too much.  Or someone did something that really aggravated you and you are fuming with anger.  You write a really angry and poisonous email to vent your frustration.  You seriously think about quitting or sending the email.

Can I make a suggestion which I wish I had followed when I was feeling like that?  DON’T QUIT ON A BAD DAY.  SEND THAT EMAIL TOMORROW, AFTER YOU’VE RE-READ IT AND HAVE COOLED DOWN.

Making serious decisions requires reflection and pause.  These are not fast thinking, spur of the moment reflexes that need an immediate response. Be very mindful that reactions can have significant lingering consequences, as they often cannot be easily reversed.  Once you QUIT or hit SEND that is it.  The dust and fallout will settle where it may, and that may not be a good resting place.

I know it is very difficult to pause at these trying moments, but PAUSE you MUST!  You are emotionally charged and eager to do something, but should you?  Rarely are these trying occasions dangerous or life threatening so there is no urgency to act decisively or firmly.  This is not a LET GO moment, but a CHILL or RE-FRAMING opportunity.

From my experience, not quitting or hitting SEND was a God sent relief.  Things were not as bad as I imagined, it was just my imagination getting ahead of me.  And that email, it could have become a CLM (Career Limiting Move), or required some serious back tracking to get out that mess.

When the going gets weird, re-frame that moment with a big STOP sign.  Have you got the facts straight?  Is your rage helpful or harmful? What will tomorrow look like if I quit or offend that other party? 

I am not suggesting that you give in or accept an unfair situation.  Rather I am clearly suggesting that before you do something extreme you carefully consider if you have a (better) Plan B option. Be careful, you might just get what you ask for!

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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