Less Attachment

One of the core principles of Buddhism is the notion of non-attachment.  Buddhists believe that attachment (clinging onto things) is the root of suffering.  It is hard to disagree that strong attachment to possessions can frequently lead to or increase suffering.  Materialism is hardly the road to well-being.

Recently during the night someone stole my shiny new mountain bike, and my attachment tendencies were tested.  Yes, I fussed about the loss for a few minutes, and then I came to a decision: should I ruminate (attachment) or let go (detachment).  Letting go took the sting out of the loss and made getting on with my day very easy. By noon the sense of loss was gone.

As I reflected on my loss, I had to decide whether I was a janitor or security guard of my belongings and captured by them or someone with a fortunate short term lease.  Borrowing, using, enjoying and letting go is so much more peaceful and less stressful.

Please don’t assume that I do not have an attachment nature and cling to nothing.  No way!  I do appreciate my creature comforts and possessions (travel watch, music, photos) but focus on the joy and gratitude I experience  when using them.  Being attached to fewer things and savouring those fewer things certainly beats accumulating and worrying about your belongings. 

As I thought about the theft more, I took a mental inventory of my possessions that I truly lament were I to forfeit them.  What was left was a few material items of significant sentimental value (but limited market value), and the rest was baggage.  Wonderful memories quickly came to the forefront as my more prized possessions, and these cannot be readily forfeited.  remembering your blessings is an attachment worth cherishing.

Take your own inventory; if the list is too long, consider whether you have become the janitor and watch person and have been captured by your attachments.  Less attachment and more active sharing and gratitude are worthwhile attachments.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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The If and When Myth

“I will be happy IF” … “I will be happy WHEN” doesn’t work or happen.  You get the desired outcome, have elevated spirits for a few weeks, months or at best a few years and then you are right back to where you were earlier. 

This natural occurrence of returning to your natural set point of wellness is called the hedonistic treadmill or hedonistic adaption.  We are like the hamster on the treadmill running quickly but getting nowhere, stuck. Changes in circumstance have a short term pay-off and then this new situation becomes the new normal.  The adaption makes you inclined to aspire for new achievements which then undermines the joy of the current achievement.  And then comparison sets in, and we see others with more or better or newer rewards and we are back to square one.

For me, appreciating and observing this adaption process countless times tamed the shopper in me and changed me.  Now I savour a few very special and thoughtful gifts, experiences or purchases and regularly just pause to be so grateful for those blessings. A multi-function travel watch, blue tooth headphones that meet my unique needs, Bolivia, colourful sandals that can go anywhere; these are special things that ring my well-being bell.

Experiment with your IF and WHEN expectations for well-being.  How long did your joy persist? Have you already replaced that desire with a new or more lavish wish?  If that IF or WHEN had not happened, would you really be any less pleased?

Letting go of IF and WHEN is most liberating as it puts one into the present moment where there is no IF or WHEN, only now.  Not wanting or waiting for something to happen to be achieved or owned means you have enough, and perhaps even a surplus.  Practice savouring things with serenity, re-thanking others for their awesome gifts, or remembering/sharing those powerful memories and milestones but again.  Sure, it is fine to want an IF or WHEN once in the while, but not always or to the determinant of what you already are blessed with.  Wonderfully, gratitude will improve your spirits and defeat the treadmill. 

For further reading, if you are interested just Google “Hedonistic treadmill”]; there is no shortage of insightful sources for further insights here.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Significance

There is a story about Mother Teresa (Noble Peace Prize 1979) being on an airplane and sitting next to a passenger who was extolling his amazing achievements; CEO of a huge company, possessions, fame, network of influential business leaders and fortune.  You know and can imagine the person.  He was unaware that the listener was Mother Teresa. 

Mother Teresa finally interrupted the gentleman by asking a simple question:  “What have you done that is significant?”  Despite his career highs; the thousands of adoring shareholders, the countless subordinates and employees and the awesome salary, he was silenced, deflated and probably disappointed or embarrassed. But where was his significance agenda? There is a natural tendency to pursue success and forget or negate significance.  Urgency overwhelms purpose, as ever larger survival urges overwhelm longer term wellness. 

Along your life journey regularly ask if there are opportunities for significance and higher purpose in your daily actions.  Start by thinking small and locally; do a random act of kindness, volunteer, put yourself out to help someone else, mentor a subordinate - seek simple service gestures, as these opportunities are countless.

One of the more powerful tools or habits that brings a sense of well-being and contentment is serving others.  It will improve your spirits, your local community and your world view.

Significance, and the purpose it engenders, encourages a cycle of improved wellness and wholeness. Significance encourages joy to flourish around and within you.  Start to look for significance opportunities, and you will find they are everywhere. 

Balance your life and career so you both do well (personal rewards) but also do good (benefit others).  “Doing good” is your significance agenda and challenge.

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40% of What Determines Happiness is Up to You – Possible Thinking

For me, this is one of the most amazing and empowering findings from positive psychology. Your intentional (self-determined) thoughts and perspectives are said to determine about 40% of your experience of happiness.  You have around 40% control over how an event is perceived and emotionally experienced.  You have significant choice over how you react to the weather, the view out of your window or anything else in your present moment.  How you frame or reframe the present moment is significant.  Do you just react to events unconsciously or do you deliberately set out to apply a certain mindset?

If around 40% of what determines your well-being is up to your intentional thoughts and activities, what about the rest?  50% is largely set by your genetically determined set points (your genes, which cannot be changed).  The last 10% is your unique life circumstances (rich or poor, healthy or unhealthy, beautiful or plain, live in amazing or poor housing, etc.).

So what does this 40% suggest?  You experience an event or action, but how you process and internally experience that situation is flexible.  You cannot change the weather, traffic conditions or world events but you do have a choice as to how you react to these circumstances.  Your job, relationships, health, wealth, home and education are largely fixed in the short run, but how you feel about these matters is 40% is up to you.  These circumstances can be framed negatively or that same moment can be painted as having glimmers of wonder, joy, empowerment, opportunity, excitement, optimism; you decide.

This 40% possibility does not negate that one’s present moment may have difficult, sad or unjust elements, but to ruminate and exclusively stay focused on the negative aspects can have troubling consequences.  There is much truth to the saying:

“Every cloud has a silver lining”

You just have to look for that sliver of hope, to be open to a small possibility of a positive outcome.  Call this possible thinking rather than positive thinking, finding at least one hopeful aspect of your present moment.

For further reading, if you are interested:

Pursuing Happiness: The Architecture of Sustainable Change, Sonja Lyubomirsky, Kennon M. Sheldon, David Schkade, Review of General Psychology 9(2):111-131 · June 2005

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Why not Default to YES and Joy?

If you were to look at the evolution of humans, it is only a very recent phenomena that humans live in a relatively safe and secure environment.  Real risk of injury, illness or death from violence, disease or hardship was everywhere.  It made sense for humans to be cautious, conservative, and ever mindful of what was just around the corner. 100 or 1,000 years ago being an optimist was unwise as there were risks and perils everywhere. Until the early 1900’s life expectancy was in the low 30’s, whereas now in the west it is nearer to 80 years (and in many countries over 80).

Given that premature death and the consequences of illness and injury have been so much delayed or reduced, why do we continue to maintain a defensive, anxious and negative mindset?  The dangers of today are so limited compared to earlier times, but our reflective habits have not been updated.  Being highly pessimistic no longer has the same rewards that it promised in the past as the underlying problems and situations have been resolved or eliminated

A major theme running through many reflections is that it is time to change your default wiring from fight or flight to well-being, joy and optimism. Being less cautious and more positive and optimistic does not mean being reckless or stupid, rather it allows for more joy, wellness and plenty.

Next time you have a choice about how to frame your present moment, allow for the possibility that everything many turn out to be rather wonderful or okay.  Like a computer, re-set your default reflex and reaction to YES and joy rather than NO and fight or flight.

For further reading you may find the following book inspiring (I certainly did):

Solve For Happy: Engineer Your Path to Joy, Mo Gawdat, bluebird books for life, 2017 

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Human Being or Human Doing

So what are you, a human being or a human doing?  To improve wellness should you focus on being or doing? Certainly sounds like there is a difference and it is more than semantics. 

A human doing would likely be DOING; busy, active, focusing on the immediate task and what to do next. Worrying, anxious, perhaps in the flow, but only marginally, in what might be a mindful or joyful moment.

And the human being would likely be BEING; existing mindfully in the moment, NOW, feeling blessed, calm and at peace. 

It feels like BEING is a noun state of existence and DOING is a verb state of existence.  One of the biggest challenge to wellness and peace is to find and be in a BEING state of mind regularly and profoundly; society values so highly the DOING state of mind that you forget to BE in the here and NOW.  How many times have you heard, “Smell the coffee.” or “Life is about the journey, not the destination.” 

Being active and engaged is absolutely essential and valuable, but always acting in a state of action denies the present moment its due respect and purpose.  Regularly taking time out to observe your situation and circumstance, to pause and see the glory of your present moment; to be thankful; to reflect on your very existence; to seek out something wonderful, unique, curious, special and worthy of sharing.

Actively and purposely doing the act of BEING is what makes you a human being and lets you escape the endless pursuit of activity and what to do next. 

When Preparation meets Opportunity

Some people just seem to be so lucky, or blessed. Life just seems to go their way. Why so?? Why not me?

One views suggests that luck is passive, random and largely beyond one’s control. Good things might happen to me, but I do not cause them to happen. Another view is that luck is less random and is often caused or encouraged by mindful intervention.

Steven Leacock has said, “I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more of it I have.” I think that being lucky in life largely occurs when preparation meets opportunity.

One can significantly increase one’s likelihood of good fortune in life by consciously maturing skills and attitudes that are useful in one’s line of work. Putting yourself at risk and exposing yourself to opportunity is also a major factor. So many people miss out on opportunities because they do not put themselves forward, often from the mistaken belief that they are not good enough.

 For your career or calling, start by learning your craft and developing your skills, observing closely the rules of the game in your profession and identifying influencers or key players in that area. Start walking the walk and talking the talk. Be authentic and focused, but also be realistic. Unrealistic hopes are bound to disappoint; but realistic aspirations, deliberately planned, seem to yield “luckier” outcomes. This is the preparation part.

Next, start looking for those opportunities. Put yourself at risk and expose yourself to situations where opportunities related to your calling or aspirations are present. Cause opportunity by going outside your comfort zone, and try networking beyond your traditional circle of acquaintances. Invest some of your leisure time to researching in detail the more complex aspects of your goal.

An important ingredient of luck is to be in the right place at the right time, with the requisite skills. Strategically do your preparation and imagine not only your next move, but your next several moves – having a plan doesn’t mean it will succeed, but it has to be better than having no plan at all. It is no coincidence that those who work harder and smarter seem to be luckier. And once the ball starts rolling, luck seems to multiply and flow more easily.

Framing (and Reframing) your Experiences

Framing is a description of how your mind captures and perceives your experiences or circumstances on a moment by moment basis. Continuously while you are awake, events are occurring around you and your brain is trying to make sense of them. Your senses receive various stimuli and your mind builds a picture of this moment. Up to 90% of that experience is how the mind framed or pictured it, and as little as 10% is objective reality. 

As upwards of 90% of a moment is a matter of perception and framing, that means you have a lot of opportunity to make your present reality (NOW) wonderful, painful, awful, joyful or many other emotions in-between. What frame of mind you start with is powerful. 

What is your default tone? Is it positive or negative, awesome or awful, optimistic or pessimistic? You are your own spin doctor and that initial spin taints everything.

One of the more insightful books on wellness that I have read is by Martin Seligman and it is called ‘Learned Optimism’. Seligman, backed by substantial research findings, suggests that you can activity learn how to frame (or reframe) your circumstances to view them in a more positive light. 

Experiment with whatever you are doing at this moment. How many ways could this moment be captured? Frame it as many different ways as you can imagine. Practice reframing your first impressions. Watch your initial reflexes: are they helpful or harmful? Deliberately, consciously and vocally put a positive spin on your present moment. Find that “silver lining” of your NOW. Yes, it is raining BUT the plants are pleased. Yes, X is a difficult person BUT they are in a tough place. YES BUT...

After a while constructive and affirmative re-framing and framing will become a mindful habit.

Developing an Attitude of Gratitude

Developing an attitude of gratitude is an essential ingredient in my recipe for wellness.

It is a deliberate and conscious exercise of being, acknowledging the wonderful portions of your current circumstance, whatever that might be.

Not everything in this moment is awesome, but if you look about you there are certainly a few good things happening to or around you. If you are not used to thinking in this way, it is a good idea to keep a gratitude journal and to make yourself note down at least three things you have to be grateful for each day. Appreciate these good things and be mindful of them – the more you practice this attitude, the easier it becomes, until it becomes a habit of mind. Developing this attitude of mind can be hard and it requires effort, but it is so worthwhile.

Consciously challenge yourself to experience these better or more wonderful aspects of your present moment, your now. Make it a habit to pause in thankfulness. Share these thoughts with friends and colleagues, if this feels appropriate. Encourage and engage those near to you to share their blessings. Your life and your circle of friends will be blessed by your more positive attitude. 

Being joyful is an active and engaged state of being; wellness does not exist in a vacuum. Having an attitude of gratitude makes your joy deeper, more profound and re-generating. You know you are in a moment of joy because you are praising that moment in an active way.

Openness is essential as you should be deliberately aware and looking out for your good fortune and blessings.

Recounting the happiness and bounty you have experienced makes you the keener to re-experience that now moment again, but in a different way. What is repeated is the joyfulness.

Gratitude causes joy to synergize and multiply.

A Smaller Cup

When looking at your life, I am sure that you have heard the question, “Is your cup half full or half empty?”  It is a simple query that suggests whether you are an optimist (half full) or a pessimist (half empty). Using this question, it is implied that you can be classified into one of two camps, but can we rephrase our response?

Imagine if the cup were smaller, then it would be fuller with the same amount of liquid. So a better reply might be, “This cup is just too big. I need a smaller cup.”  Instead of being half full or half empty, you now receive a much more generous looking portion. 

In life, by reframing a situation, by simply changing our expectations, we can change our attitudes and create more joy in our lives. Some of us expect so much from life that we cannot help but be left wanting – nothing is ever quite enough to satisfy. By expecting less (having a smaller cup), we will be more happy and content with the good things that come our way.

Picture and experience how this reframing of the half a cup question changes the answer; the cup is now over half full.  You are encouraged to feel special, indeed fortunate and blessed.  Can you picture or feel the joy and the calm of the fuller cup sensation, compared to either the half full or the half empty alternative? 

If there is only one take away from everything I ever share with you, may it be this one:

Get a smaller cup, and relish its fullness.