INTEGRITY AND SELF-ESTEEM

One of the more troubling changes I have noticed in younger adult learners is a serious deficit of self-esteem.  More and more students appear to be overly shy, uncertain and unwilling to proactively engage in their learning and life experiences.  They express limited or negative confidence or satisfaction in themselves or their futures.  Having a low self-image or regard in the early stages of one’s adult journey can significantly undermine one’s future prospects.

The psychologist Nathaniel Branden, considered the father of the self-esteem movement, recognizes integrity as one of the essential pillars of self-esteem. Research by Branden and others suggests the existence of a self-reinforcing loop between integrity and self-esteem. The more integrity we practice, the more we esteem ourselves; and the more self-esteem we have, the more likely we are to exemplify congruence between our words and our actions.   When I follow up on my commitments—to others or to myself—I am sending others and myself an important message: that my thoughts, my words, and my self-matter. My words are an expression of myself, and therefore when I honor my words I am honoring myself.*

Integrity can be defined as walking your talk; keeping your word and commitments.  If you say you will be there at 11, be there at 11.  If you say you will do something, do it.  Perhaps it sounds trivial, but that is precisely the point of Branden’s research findings.  Keeping even the smallest and simplest of commitments does make you feel better about yourself. A sense of wellness does emerge and grow.  Posed another way, what does not keeping your word say about you or how others interpret you? From my own observations, I do notice that those I associate with higher integrity almost without exception also display higher degrees of self-esteem.

Positive psychologists suggest a simple program of making two or three small pledges to yourself and others, and systematically honouring them.  What quickly emerges is a sense of modest pride (one of the ten positive emotions).  As these commitments become habits, add more ambitious pledges.  Several things will occur; you will feel better about yourself, and others will think the better of you.

Make walking your talk part of who you are.

*: Even Happier: A Gratitude Journal for Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment by Tal Ben-Shahar

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GENEROSITY – THE THREE “T’s”

Many respected leaders in the area of well-being (the Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, Sonja Lyubomirsky), have noted that generosity is one of the more redeeming and effective ways to improve one’s sense of wholeness and joy.  Generosity is prescribed by almost every religious tradition.  It is one of the five pillars of Islam, called zakat.  In Judaism, it is called tzedakah, which literally means “justice”. In Hinduism and Buddhism, it is called dana.  And in Christianity, it is called charity.

Generosity is one of the best vitamins for happiness, but our understanding of it may be challenged and short-sighted, because we often associate charity with money and gifts.  Fortunately, money is but one expression of generosity.  Let’s meet the three “T’s”: Time, Talent and Treasure.

For much of our life being financially charitable is challenging and awkward, as money (treasure) may be in short supply.  We want to be generous, but say to ourselves that we will get around to it when we are older.  However, we also have skills (talents) which can benefit those in need.  Or, giving up some of one’s time to a cause that speaks to you is also an act of charity. Sharing one’s expertise or leisure feels every bit as good for the soul as money.  At the end of the day, time is our most intimate expression of ourselves; sharing it altruistically with those in need is the dearest thing we can give.

Wonderfully, when time or talent are our method of expressing kindness to others, we get the added benefit of being part of a relationship with others.  This connectivity and interdependence with a community adds depth to our well-being.

Volunteering one’s time or talents does not have an age restriction, the earlier you starting giving of it the more you grow.

 Further reading: The Book of Joy   by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu, Hutchinson 2016.

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WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU DID SOMETHING FOR THE FIRST TIME?

Our lives can easily become like a broken record that repeats the same line or verse.  The predictable rituals and routines that make up our days can improve the certainty and efficiency of our efforts, and give a much needed structure to our lives, but this can make get a little boring and repetitive day in, day out.

 Maybe it is time to stir things up a bit.  Really, when was the last time you did something for the first time?  Carefully consider the truth and intrigue this question suggests.  Have you become so patterned and regular that you have forgotten to take measured risks or invite change into your life, to boost the excitement and newness of the present moment?  A little change and randomness might just be what you need to revitalize your life.

Experimenting with even the smallest change, like your journey to work or what you have for breakfast is a good start. The nice thing about such minor adjustments is that it opens you up to being bolder and more engaged in your present moment.  Hopefully you will progress to a state where increased awareness of the NOW becomes more immediate and frequent.  Consciously seeking opportunities to do things for the first time makes you more aware of the wonderful things going on around and about you.  Being too routine in your habits means you often miss the awesome opportunities all around you.

 Making small, incremental improvements that change your life to the better is another way of addressing the doing something for the first time challenge. Particularly adding new acts of kindness, gratitude and/or compassion: these will increase your overall wellness and add variety to your day.

 As the present moment is always new and changing, seize a few of these moments and make them yours, refreshing and unique.

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WILL YOU LIKE IT AS MUCH AS YOU WANT IT?

Have you ever bought something you craved for a long time and experienced an immediate rush and real joy?  You were so pleased, it looked marvelous or did just what you imagined it would.  A few days or weeks later, the excitement is gone and you are right back to where you started. That is called the Hedonistic Treadmill, where new achievements or objects become the new normal and you return to your natural state of wellness.  Will you really like it as much as you want it?  Probably not!  As good example of this is the new puppy (car, dress, mobile) situation.  How many times have you enjoyed that new thing weeks or months later?

 So, is there any way to reduce this dilemma?  Yes.  Start with the obvious solution of consciously wanting fewer things.  Generally more or new is not better.  Next define what it is that this new object provides that is unique and an improvement.  What is this thing actually going to do that will improve your lot, or are you a victim of advertising?  Define what it is you are hoping to get from this acquisition, is it pleasure or wellness?  Nothing necessarily wrong with either, just useful to be clear in advance because you will get what you pay for.  Will there be a hangover, as in later maintenance, upkeep or regular attention (as in the cute puppy and the later care of a dog for the next twelve years)?  Where would you store it; is there room?!!

 After all this does it mean that you never shop again?  Absolutely no!!  Take an inventory of those few things you have that really speak to you, that continue to bring you joy years later.  What was it about these things that just worked?  What is it about that thing that you savour? Figure out what is uniquely awesome about that item and use that criteria as part of your shopping agenda and selection process.

 Finally, there is ample research that suggests that amazing experiences far outrank things in term of improving our wellness. 

Happy shopping!!  I hope you like it at least as much as you wanted it.

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CELEBRATE or RUMINATE?

Memories can be both blessings and curses.  When you reflect on your past, do you celebrate or loath these past experiences?  Do you recall the wonderful or the unhappy peaks?  Do you treasure the blessings or ruminate endlessly on your misfortunes?  You have control over what and how you recall your past.  You can frame your yesterdays as a series of disasters, or windfalls, or a blend of both. 

Ruminating is a curious habit that we all engage in, especially in relation to the unfortunate moments in our lives.  You re-play that scene where you said, did or failed to say or do something, and speculate how life would be better had you acted differently. You beat yourself up in an endless cycle of remorse and “What ifness!!”  You are tied to your past in a most unhelpful and generally dysfunctional internal debate.  Honestly, what a waste of time and effort: nothing can or will change.

So what is the remedy? Celebrate your past!  For every mis-step there are many more proper steps and happier endings. Just as you can frame your present circumstances in a more positive light, you can also frame and re-frame your past to include more fortunate memories. 

 It is indeed difficult to accept some of the injustices and unfairness that we are dealt, but to ruminate on these events only makes matters worse. Better to focus on what you can learn from these situations, seek justice where possible, let go and move forward.  But more importantly, actively celebrate your past successes, awesome moments, good luck and serendipitous blessings. 

 Yes there were aspects of last year that went less well but there were far more incidents that exceeded your expectations. When you talk about your job, travels, weather, dinner party, encounters with others, please let us not re-play the mis-steps.  Rather, talk more about your success, the sunsets, sunny days, amazing desserts, awesome re-collections, museums and the fantastic landscapes.  Celebrate your past, what when well and let go of ruminating.

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WHY NOT DEFAULT TO YES and JOY?

If you were to look at the evolution of humans, it is only a very recent phenomena that humans live in a relatively safe and secure environment.  Real risk of injury, illness or death from violence, disease or hardship was everywhere.  It made sense for humans to be cautious, conservative, and ever mindful of what was just around the corner. 100 or 1,000 years ago being an optimist was unwise as there were risks and perils everywhere. Until the early 1900’s life expectancy was in the low 30’s, whereas now in the west it is nearer to 80 years (and in many countries over 80).

Given that premature death and the consequences of illness and injury have been so much delayed or reduced, why do we continue to maintain a defensive, anxious and negative mindset?  The dangers of today are so limited compared to earlier times, but our reflective habits have not been updated.  Being highly pessimistic no longer has the same rewards that it promised in the past as the underlying problems and situations have been resolved or eliminated

A major theme running through many reflections is that it is time to change your default wiring from fight or flight to well-being, joy and optimism. Being less cautious and more positive and optimistic does not mean being reckless or stupid, rather it allows for more joy, wellness and plenty.

Next time you have a choice about how to frame your present moment, allow for the possibility that everything many turn out to be rather wonderful or okay.  Like a computer, re-set your default reflex and reaction to YES and joy rather than NO and fight or flight.

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For further reading you may find the following book inspiring (I certainly did):

Solve For Happy: Engineer Your Path to Joy, Mo Gawdat, bluebird books for life, 2017 

BEING IN THE FLOW

We have all been in the flow** and relish these moments.  This is where one is engaged in an activity which is both high in challenge but matched with a high level of personal skill.  Awareness of time disappears, one is totally absorbed in the task at hand and in a state of peace, joy and total presence in the moment.  In sports, the experience of flow is described as being “in the zone”.   The importance of having a high degree of personal control over your circumstance makes the flow that much more authentic.  By contrast, the opposite of flow is apathy or boredom, where one is using few of one’s skills, and the level of task challenge is low, with generally limited autonomy.

There are challenges to being in the flow, and they can be overcome.  A good place to start is to appreciate the importance of deliberately combining high levels of challenge and skill together.  The synergy of skill and challenge can motivate you to design part of your career or leisure time to allow for more flow situations. 

Creatively and carefully look at your job or leisure time and consider where there are opportunities to develop new skills or challenging opportunities.  Look at some of your more frequent but boring or less satisfying obligations and see if they can be re-engineered to being more skillful or challenging.  I disliked the exams marking aspect of university lecturing.  Subsequently I re-engineered the exam papers, questions, answer booklets, grade allocation/calibration, marking pens, marking space and work space arrangement such that grading was more skillful and properly challenging (though never a joy).  Also see where there are opportunities for increased autonomy and design activities for skill improvement and challenge.

The awesome thing about flow is that by deliberately embedding it into your daily rituals, your occupational and intellectual well-being improves (two of the seven aspects of wellness).  

 **: Mihály Csíkszentmihályi coined and researched flow extensively.  The TedTalk video noted below provides more details on flow:

www.ted.com/talks/mihaly_csikszentmihalyi_on_flow?language=af

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No Sunk Costs

One of the more obvious truisms in economics is the fact that past actions are irrelevant in terms of making choices about what one might do today.  These past decisions are called SUNK COST; being that they are sunk and cannot be reversed, recovered, or revised; what has happened cannot be changed, they are forever sunk.  Whereas the economic and logical truth of the irrelevance of sunk cost and past choices is irrefutable, our emotional attachment to our past and unwillingness to let go of it is often overwhelming.

For example, countless times I have advised and observed learners who seriously dislike accountancy in all its form. When I confront them about their distain and how they ought to pursue a different major and career, the restrain is usual, “I cannot change focus, I have been studying accountancy for three or four years.”  Invariably they graduate with their accountant degree and an adequate grade, and later perhaps a professional designation, but there never was an accountant inside.  They win the education/career battle but lost the education/career war.

Consider what following story by Jason Zweig, a Wall Street Journal investment columnist while he was working with psychologist Daniel Kahneman on writing his book Thinking, Fast and Slow. Zweig tells a story about a personality quirk of Kahneman’s that served him well:

Nothing amazed me more about Danny than his ability to detonate what we had just done,” Zweig wrote. He and Kahneman could work endlessly on a chapter, but: The next thing you know, Kahneman sends a version so utterly transformed that it is unrecognizable: It begins differently, it ends differently, it incorporates anecdotes and evidence you never would have thought of, it draws on research that you’ve never heard of. “When I asked Danny how he could start again as if we had never written an earlier draft,” Zweig continued, “he said the words I’ve never forgotten: ‘I have no sunk costs.’” Sunk costs—anchoring decisions to past efforts that can’t be refunded—are a devil in a world where people change over time. They make our future selves’ prisoners to our past, different, selves. It’s the equivalent of a stranger making major life decisions for you.*

What are your sunk costs that are hindering your progress?  What is it that is time to let go of and move on from?

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*: The Psychology of Money: Timeless lessons on wealth, greed, and happiness by Morgan Housel

Habits

Confucius noted that “All humans are the same, except for their habits.” 

Habits are your natural tendencies or practices.  They determine how you behave or react to a situation and they are automatic reflexes, often unconsciously made.  We are all largely the same biologically, but we differ in how we behave or react to things.

Given that habits define your uniqueness and personality, then maturing habits that enhance contentment and wellness would be constructive. I have struggled to make my intentional activities (the 40% I control) habitual and more beneficial.  Learning to be grateful, positive and reframing problems to possible thinking took a lot of mindful effort.  However, with practice these responses and perspectives became my natural habits - my default reaction.

Habits do have a pattern in their formation.  Repeating the same behavior consistently, deliberately and with mindful determination, for on average for 66 days, make a behavior or response automatic and habitual.   The wonderful reward of building wellness and contentment habits is that you get a subtle but real reward almost immediately and sub-consciously; you feel better quite quickly.  But just like medicine, once you start to feel improved health you often stop taking the medicine.  So also with wellness habits. 

Positive psychology suggests that the most useful and easiest well-being habit to mature is gratitude.  Start a gratitude journal to note your blessings, finding three to five things to be grateful for EVERY day.  Express internally or externally gratitude at every available opportunity (and especially when you are in a difficult situation).  Search for wonder in your present moment. 

Design your wellness program and invest 66 days to see what happens.  Nothing to lose- just take baby steps, one habit at a time.

Think about looking at some of your strengths and making them more habitual and regular.

What other well-being habits might you want to cultivate?

• seeking opportunities for service

• delaying gratification to its most opportune moment

• exercising

• working with your willpower to make it stronger

• wanting less

• practicing resilience

• looking for opportunities to express your purpose. 

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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For further reading, if you are interested:

How are habits formed: Modelling Habit Formation in the Real World,  Phillippa Lally,  Cornelia H. M. van Jaarsveld,  Henry W. W. Potts,  Jane Wardle; European Journal of Social Psychology, 16 July 2009, https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.674.

CONFIDENCE AND RISK TAKING

Consider a small child learning to do something for the first time: they fail at activities many times over, but they keep persisting until they do it, with encouragement from their parents. As we get older, we gradually become more and more cautious, as each perceived failure eats away at our ability to take risks. If we are not careful, we can end up with a life in which we live totally and only within our comfort zones, never taking any risks at all. Sounds good to you? Well, that kind of life can feel stifling in the end, and lead to later life regrets.

 If you are confident in yourself but do not take risks related to this faith in yourself, this could easily be false confidence.  If you have faith in yourself that you can do something but do not test that ability by doing something challenging (and potentially failing), then that confidence is likely shallow or misplaced.  By taking risks and pushing your given abilities, your confidence and faith in yourself matures.  Your confidence grows as your continue to challenge yourself.

 Confidence and risk taking are two sides of the same coin; they can mutually build up or undermine each other.  If you are confident you should reasonably be more able to do more challenging tasks.  Taking risks and exploring new opportunities to grow increases your abilities and the assurance you have in these skills. Conversely, not testing yourself stalls your improvement and inhibits getting better.  Soon not taking risk becomes the norm and your skills are constrained.

 Risk taking enhances your confidence and confidence can encourage you to take more risk. Managed together you will grow and experience a more complete and purposeful sense of well-being.

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Your “One” Sentence

In 1962, Clare Boothe Luce, one of the first women to serve in the U.S. Congress, offered some advice to President John F. Kennedy. “A great man,” she told him, “is one sentence.” Abraham Lincoln’s sentence was: “He preserved the union and freed the slaves.” Franklin Roosevelt’s was: “He lifted us out of a great depression and helped us win a world war.*

You don’t need to be the president of the USA, or your local PTA, to ponder this curious challenge. At the core of this one sentence summary is the issue: What is your PURPOSE? What larger than life goal gets you up in the morning and inspires you to want to make a difference?  Rather than imagining your eulogy or shortened CV, the one sentence summary of your purpose cuts to the quick of what really matters to you.

In fairness, I think you really have two short sentences. 

The first, is the overarching sense of purpose as it relates to your relationship and spiritual journey.  What does your soul yearn for?  How do you want to be remembered by the people in your life that are your heritage and legacy? What soulful difference do you want to make to them? This sentence stays relatively constant, but how you actualize it changes with time.

The second, less important but still significant, one sentence would relate to your sphere of influence, be that work, family or within your community.  For me, that sentence has significantly evolved as my career matured and I more clearly understood the potential purpose of what my career might do, but for others their purpose and goals may look very different.  When I started lecturing over forty years ago, I could not have imagined how profoundly I could make a difference to my learners.  Similarly, depending on where your sphere of influence resides, the way you can purposely make a difference changes. When you are younger, it can be more of a challenge to define that larger opportunity, but don’t wait until you are in your fifties to articulate your sentence.  The clearer and sooner that sentence is written, the more chance you have to see it effectively realised.

As you contemplate your purpose, begin with the big question: What are your two  sentences?

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*: Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us by Daniel H. Pink

Framing (and Reframing) your Experiences

 Framing is a description of how your mind captures and perceives your experiences or circumstances on a moment by moment basis. Continuously while you are awake, events are occurring around you and your brain is trying to make sense of them.  Your senses receive various stimuli and your mind builds a picture of this moment.  Up to 90% of that experience is how the mind framed or pictured it, and as little as 10% is objective reality.

 As upwards of 90% of a moment is a matter of perception and framing, that means you have a lot of opportunity to make your present reality (NOW) wonderful, painful, awful, joyful or many other emotions in-between.  What frame of mind you start with is powerful. 

 What is your default tone? Is it positive or negative, awesome or awful, optimistic or pessimistic? You are your own spin doctor and that initial spin taints everything.

 One of the more insightful books on wellness that I have read is by Martin Seligman and it is called ‘Learned Optimism’.  Seligman, backed by substantial research findings, suggests that you can activity learn how to frame (or reframe) your circumstances to view them in a more positive light. 

 Experiment with whatever you are doing at this moment.  How many ways could this moment be captured?  Frame it as many different ways as you can imagine.  Practice reframing your first impressions. Watch your initial reflexes: are they helpful or harmful?  Deliberately, consciously and vocally put a positive spin on your present moment. Find that “silver lining” of your NOW.  Yes, it is raining BUT the plants are pleased.  Yes, X is a difficult person BUT they are in a tough place.   YES BUT…. 

 After a while constructive and affirmative re-framing and framing will become a mindful habit.

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WE ALL KNOW WHAT TO DO BUT …

Jean-Claude Juncker, the past president of the European Commission, noted about politicians that, “We all know what to do, we just don’t know how to get re-elected after we’ve done it.”  He was speaking about climate change, but I think it is a wise summary of the current populist nature of our political culture and dialogue.  Is getting re-elected more important than doing the right thing?

Unfortunately, the nature of so many challenging dilemmas that society faces requires making trade-offs which will have BOTH positive and negative consequences for us.  Whether the issue is climate change, migration, health care, re-distribution of income, terrorism, or diversity it may have an effect on OUR PERSONAL prosperity and standard of living. THERE NEVER WAS SUCH A THING AS A FREE LUNCH.  To expect others to bear the costs and you can get a free ride on the benefits of the solution is naïve, short sighted and extremely selfish.

Difficult issues require careful consideration and tolerance of all the parties, both those advantaged and dis-advantaged by the remedy.   There is so much attention given to simple, popular solutions to problems, but do we give proper attention to the complexities and implicit trade-offs imbedded in the public policy dilemmas?  Seeking to realize the immediate benefits of a solution and to tax later generations with the financial and other costs is selfish.  Are we leaving the world a better place for our children and grandchildren or are we eating their lunch? These residual but real consequences should be contemplated now rather than kicked down the road.

Democracy is about more than the majority getting what they want, but also showing respect and accommodation for those on the minority side.  Compromise, respecting and engaging with those we disagree with is a measure of healthy, wellness oriented societies.  Appreciate that policies to address issues will take years or generations to resolve.  Politicians should be afforded some latitude and grace to impose costly short term costs on society for the advantage of later generations.  Climate change is clearly one of those challenges.

Please cut those in difficult leadership roles some slack.  Admire those leaders that make choices that may undermine their re-election prospects.  Likely those are the honourable and noble ones who are actually confronting the hard realities, and not the opportunists.

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WILL YOU LIKE IT AS MUCH AS YOU WANT IT?

Have you ever bought something you craved for a long time and experienced an immediate rush and real joy?  You were so pleased, it looked marvelous or did just what you imagined it would.  A few days or weeks later, the excitement is gone, and you are right back to where you started. That is called the Hedonistic Treadmill, where new achievements or objects become the new normal and you return to your natural state of wellness.  Will you really like it as much as you want it?  Probably not!  As good example of this is the new puppy (car, dress, mobile) situation.  How many times have you enjoyed that new thing weeks or months later?

 So, is there any way to reduce this dilemma?  Yes.  Start with the obvious solution of consciously wanting fewer things.  Generally more or new is not better.  Next define what it is that this new object provides that is unique and an improvement.  What is this thing going to do that will improve your lot, or are you a victim of advertising?  Define what it is you are hoping to get from this acquisition, is it pleasure or wellness?  Nothing necessarily wrong with either, just useful to be clear in advance because you will get what you pay for.  Will there be a hangover, as in later maintenance, upkeep or regular attention (as in the cute puppy and the later care of a dog for the next twelve years)?  Where would you store it; is there room?!!

 After all this does it mean that you never shop again?  Absolutely no!!  Take an inventory of those few things you have that really speak to you, that continue to bring you joy years later.  What was it about these things that just worked?  What is it about that thing that you savour? Figure out what is uniquely awesome about that item and use that criterion as part of your shopping agenda and selection process.

Finally, there is ample research that suggests that amazing experiences far outrank things in term of improving our wellness. 

Happy shopping!!  I hope you like it at least as much as you wanted it and for a longer time than usual.

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POST-TRUTH

Truth is the quality or state of being true. Wikipedia adds ‘of being in accord with fact or reality’.

What is especially unsettling is the suggestion that we now live in a post-truth society, where truth does not matter or matters less. Now, emotions and personal beliefs can trump what was previously considered to be either true or false.  Post-truth views deliberately confuse opinions and facts.  By cherry picking facts and statistics, fantasy becomes reality, and truth and respect optional.  Worse, those that disagree with us become our opponents and we, the rightful victors of justice and whatever, are right and true.  Somehow this does not sound like a situation with a happy or positive ending.

But what does this have to do with wellness?  A lot!!  The more the post-truth notion gains hold in society, the less tolerant, compassionate, and inclusive we seem to have become.  Identity politics has become more accepted.  Identity politics considers it fair game to cast very negative views on another’s character just because they do not agree with our views or perspectives.  Rather than being inclusive and tolerant of those that differ on matters of opinion, those that disagree are often described in unkind terms and held in distain.

Two central hallmarks of a liberal democracy are the encouragement of differing points of view, and the tolerance of these differences.  By a process of debate, over time, society evolves and improves.  But central to this evolution is respect for the truth and opportunities for society to learn and change. But that takes time and patience.

Perhaps it is politics, but I have noticed recently in the media and on the streets a reduction in civility and inclusiveness.  Post-truth judgementalism seems to have undermined some of the kindness and compassion we feel for others; a slippery slope to go down.

I pray that in 2023 truth returns to take centre stage and with it brings respect and patience for those we disagree with.  May opinions be accepted as opinions and not as facts. That is certainly one of my new year’s aspirations.  I know this tolerance will significantly enhance my wellbeing and joy in 2023.

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AFFECTIVE FORECASTING

Affective forecasting is a fancy economics and psychology term. It describes how we anticipate our future mental and emotional state may be affected by our current decisions and actions.  We anticipate whether our current actions will  affect future emotions in terms of being good or bad and how strong and long that emotion will be.

Stated more simply, often we carefully consider doing something by imagining what will transpire because of that action.  The hardwiring of our brain is based on the fight or flight survival mechanism, so we generally put a cautious and negative spin on the outcome.  Better safe than sorry, better the devil we know than the devil we don’t,  we say to ourselves.  If what we are contemplating is potentially unkind or dangerous such caution is warranted.  But is our life really that risky or untoward? 

Researchers have investigated the accuracy of our affective forecasting and noted that generally our predictions are poor and inaccurate, especially when we are considering doing something kind or compassionate.  Perhaps we refrain from striking up an innocent conservation with a stranger because we fear rejection or an awkward conversation.  Experiments tested this hypothesis: individuals were asked to either start or refrain from a random conversation with a fellow passenger on a train ride. Afterwards, they were asked to summarize their experience.  Those that engaged in conversation had a much more positive recollection of their train journey.

 There is a lot of research like this suggesting that human beings are bad at affective forecasting. Not just in short-term situations like the train study, but in the longer term, too. We seem particularly bad at forecasting the benefits of relationships. A big part of this is the obvious fact that relationships can be messy and unpredictable. This messiness is some of what prompts many of us to prefer being alone. It’s not just that we are seeking solitude; it’s that we want to avoid the potential mess of connecting with others. But we overestimate that mess and underestimate the beneficial effects of human connection. This is a feature of our decision making in general: we pay a lot of attention to potential costs and downplay or dismiss potential benefits. *

So, what are some of  the findings of this research?  Firstly, we should risk random acts of kindness more often.  If you want to do something kind, then do it!  Secondly, we are not very good at predicting the outcomes of our positive actions.  Thirdly, we are more likely to be pleasantly surprised than disappointed when we risk being kind in an uncertain situation.  The motto we were fed as children to not trust strangers may be good for youngsters, but not a helpful guide as we get older.  Risk being kind (but don’t be stupid, know your limits).

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*:  The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Study on Happiness by Robert Waldinger, Marc Schulz

GIVING

Wellness science is clear: gratitude is the most important attitude to improve one’s wellbeing, closely followed by generosity.  Both of these attitudes trigger rewards in the brain.  Why?  Because humans are social beings, gratitude and generosity implicitly improve social relationships. This enhanced the survival rate of the primitive clans or tribes.  Groups that were grateful and generous to their members were more successful, cohesive and prosperous.

The wonderful thing about giving is it has so many expressions. 

On the tangible level, there are three forms of giving, Time, Talent and Treasury (money).  Each of us likely has an abundance of one of these, which we could be more generous with to the common good.

Sharing goods is a convenient and low-cost form of giving.  Perhaps we have tools, music, books, clothing or space which others might appreciate using and then returning. Watching others use and enjoy our possessions does lift one’s spirits.

Acts of kindness are a spontaneous form of giving. Being kind to those we are close to is wonderful but going to the next stage of doing random acts of kindness to strangers takes the personal reward of giving to a higher and more beneficial level.  Gathering rubbish in our neighborhood, being courteous in traffic congestion, carrying goods for someone overburdened:  the possibilities are endless once one is on the lookout  for opportunities to be kind.

Paying someone an unexpected compliment is a simple act of giving. The smile and joy the other person feels is immediate and reciprocal, and being there to share that pleasure is our prize.  Interestingly, praising others, especially in the workplace, subtly improves the work culture of the organization as praise multiples.

An underutilized form of  giving is forgiving, letting go of wrongs we have experienced.  Forgiving starts us releasing the pent-up anger we harbour.  Without engaging with the perpetrator, this letting go brings immediate relief.  If we go to the next step and address the person who wronged us and let them know of our forgiveness, all the better. 

There are so many avenues for giving, so avail of as many as you can.  As Anne Frank noted: 

No one has ever become poor by giving.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please share freely and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

A useful link to learn more about the science behind generosity:

https://harrytprewitt.medium.com/scientific-proof-of-generosity-contributing-to-human-happiness-643178c90206

CONFIDENCE AND TAKING RISKS

Consider a small child learning to do something for the first time: they fail at activities many times over, but they keep persisting until they do it, with encouragement from their parents. As we get older, we gradually become more and more cautious, as each perceived failure eats away at our ability to take risks. If we are not careful, we can end up with a life in which we live totally and only within our comfort zones, never taking any risks at all. Sounds good to you? Well, that kind of life can feel stifling in the end, and lead to later life regrets.

 If you are confident in yourself but do not take risks related to this faith in yourself, this could easily be false confidence.  If you have faith in yourself that you can do something but do not test that ability by doing something challenging (and potentially failing), then that confidence is likely shallow or misplaced.  By taking risks and pushing your given abilities, your confidence and faith in yourself matures.  Your confidence grows as your continue to challenge yourself.

 Confidence and risk taking are two sides of the same coin; they can mutually build up or undermine each other.  If you are confident you should reasonably be more able to do more challenging tasks.  Taking risks and exploring new opportunities to grow increases your abilities and the assurance you have in these skills. Conversely, not testing yourself stalls your improvement and inhibits getting better.  Soon not taking risk becomes the norm and your skills are constrained.

 Risk taking enhances your confidence and confidence can encourage you to take more risk. Managed together you will grow and experience a more complete and purposeful sense of well-being.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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POSSIBILIST

I am an unapologetic optimist.  Some would go as far as suggesting I am either naïve, misguided or willfully blind.  I recently came across a statement that concisely captured my hopeful view of life and our times:

Optimism is the best bet for most people because the world tends to get better for most people most of the time. But pessimism holds a special place in our hearts. Pessimism isn’t just more common than optimism. It also sounds smarter. It’s intellectually captivating, and it pays more attention than optimism, which is often viewed as being oblivious to risk. Real optimists don’t believe that everything will be great. That’s complacency. Optimism is a belief that the odds of a good outcome are in your favor over time, even when there will be setbacks along the way. The simple idea that most people wake up in the morning trying to make things a little better and more productive than waking up looking to cause trouble is the foundation of optimism. It’s not complicated. It’s not guaranteed, either. It’s just the most reasonable bet for most people, most of the time. The late statistician Hans Rosling put it differently: “I am not an optimist. I am a very serious possibilist.”"*

Media organizations are opposed to optimism. It doesn’t sell ads, headlines or generate attention.  The news maxim “If it bleeds, it leads” encourages viewers to become  spectators of horror.  Life can be reduced to a gladiator sport.  Add to this pessimistic perspective the violent entertainment that glorifies and seeks to normalize dysfunctional behaviors and lifestyles, and any sense of promise is derailed.  However, if reality is based on real data, percentages or rates, then crime, war, poverty, illness, inequity, premature deaths, severe illness and other troubling measures are in serious decline.  The reason the amounts are so high is that there are so many humans alive today and the news-cycle bias always dwells on the negative.

A fundamental wellness emotion is hopefulness.  The sense that your tomorrow can be a marginal improvement over today makes getting up in the morning more purposeful.  If you consider the statistics, the likelihood or probability of positive (or neutral) outcomes far exceeds negative results.  The odds strongly favour positive outcomes. Actively and willingly become an optimist, positivist, probabilist or possibilist: it is good for your soul and your wellness. 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

*:       The Psychology of Money: Timeless lessons on wealth, greed, and happiness  by Morgan Housel

WHAT WE OWE THE FUTURE*

Here’s a curious mind-game thought:

If homo sapiens, as a species, survive for another 1,000,000 years, then 99.5% of all humans that will ever live have not yet been born.  Should the wellness of these folks born fifty or five thousand generations after our death matter to us? Do we owe these future earthlings any care or consideration?

I imagine most people would agree that we owe our more immediate heirs a duty of care.  However, as that group gets more distant and anonymous, our sense of responsibility may diminish.  The trade-offs we will have to make in 2023 for the betterment of those born in the future are real and costly.  These sacrifices are more than polluting less and recycling more, but also question whether the moral and political choices we make today are for a better (however defined) tomorrow in tens of thousands of years later.  Does our selfish, often hedonistic or secular lifestyle put at risk the 99.5% of unborn future citizens who currently have no vote or voice, but a vesting interest in their own livelihood and wellness?

The philosopher William MacAskill*  has researched this “longtermism*” question for over ten years.  He poses some fascinating questions and opportunities for our generation.  NEVER, in the history of mankind has so much change and progress occurred in a such a short time (the last 70 years), and this rate of improvement is unsustainable. Physically, there are not enough resources, yet alone atoms,  for  1% or 2% annual growth to continue for thousands of years. Already the stress of our growth is presenting challenges, and it not just about climate change.  Inequities, totalitarian regimes, artificial intelligence,  resource scarcities, and expanding expectations all challenge the future, as current stakeholders battle for their preferred goals and ignore the prospects of even our immediate successors.

Improved wellness encourages selflessness, tolerance and compromise.  We owe the future a great deal, so it would be timely if we began to actively think of your offspring born in the very distant future.  They deserve our attention.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

*:       What We Owe the Future, A Million-Year View by William MacAskill