CARING

Caring for and being cared for by others is an essential part of a constructive and productive relationship. However, in our busy lifestyle, do we actually spend enough time looking for caring opportunities or acknowledging when others look after us? Rick Hanson noted:

Caring comes in five major forms, with increasing intensity: being included, being seen, being appreciated, being liked, and being loved. Each one of these is an opportunity to feel cared about. Over time, repeatedly internalizing these experiences can build up a basis for secure attachment. As you go through your day, look for the little moments in which another person is interested, friendly, grateful, empathic, respectful, affectionate, or loving towards you.*

What I like about this thorough dissection of caring it that it opens up how you can actively care for others and similarly appreciate when others are actively caring for you.  Whereas we all know being concerned for others is central to a healthy relationship, do we necessarily know how to go about tending for others?

Starting with caring for others; it is like a dial that I can mindfully turn up and down.  Mentioning the other person’s name in a conversation with them immediately makes them feel included.  Making the effort to look them up, noting their achievements, asking genuinely curious questions about what they are doing, using  affirmative or appropriate endearing terms to describe your friendship are all caring gestures.  What is so fascinating but also disappointing about caring for others it that we probably don’t do it as deliberately or mindfully as we could or should.  Challenge yourself to proactively appreciate a specific person, through a variety of caring actions.

Noting and enjoying being cared for by others is also part of the cycle.  How often do we stop and savour those times when others are affectionate towards us?  In our hurriedness are we oblivious to the kindness of others. Do we dismiss or overlook the interest, friendliness, empathy, respect or other caring gestures sent our way? Tuning in to when we receive affection reinforces and encourages us to return the favour.

Caring matters!  We can all up our kindness quotient.  Experiment with and observe when caring is occurring: it will make for a kinder world and community. 

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*: Rick Hanson, "Resilient: 12 Tools for transforming everyday experiences into lasting happiness"

PAUSING, RELISHING, SAVOURING AND LEARNING*

For as long back as I can remember, I have had this habit of privately re-playing my small successes or joyful experiences.  I pause, count my blessings and let that moment really sink in.  What I only recently discovered was that this relishing process was doing something constructive for my overall well-being. *

What I was building were neurological connections in my brain that were changing the way I experienced, processed, perceived and remembered my circumstances.  As the activating event was pleasurable, I was building a reflex process that almost automatically triggered positive emotions when similar situations presented themselves again.  I was unconsciously using Hebb’s theory, summarized as:

“(Brain) Cells that fire together, wire together”.

As I got older, I learned how to make this positive wellness process work more effectively.  When it is suggested that I “smell the coffee” and be in the moment, that is what I did.  The key improvement is that I had a step-by-step plan in place as to how to make that “coffee” moment more easily replicated. I mindfully pause in that experience, savour it, acknowledge that I am feeling joyful and then isolate what is especially special and unique about that moment.  I reward myself for being in that fortunate moment by learning from it, joining it to previous similar times and generalizing about how to replay that positive scenario again when similar situations are present.  As I build my inventory of wellness moments and triggers, the process starts to run on its own.

Working backwards, when negative or challenging events occur, you can use this process to make them less influential to your overall wellness.  The key is not to harbour less pleasant moments and avoid creating reflexes systems that accommodate and reinforce them. Restated, don’t build negative neuron pathways in your brain that intensify and default to regret and sad ruminations when triggered by challenging events.  

Being in the now is awesome and when that NOW moment is wonderful then so much the better.  Mindfully pause, relish and savour that experience. Watch and enjoy the wiring, re-wiring and programming of your brain and learn how to make your neurons enhance your well being.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*: Rick Hanson in his book, "Resilient: 12 Tools for transforming everyday experiences into lasting happiness" uses what he calls the HEAL process to implement what I am describing.

BEING PATIENT

Being patient is not one of my strong points.  Being impatient has, on more than one occasion, had significant career consequences.  However, as I have gotten older, I have improved on this score.   Recently, I learned a bit of the science behind patience, which has improved my ability to demonstrate it.

Patience might sound like a modest virtue, but it’s the essence of two primary factors in mental health and worldly success. The first is delay of gratification, the willingness to put off immediate rewards for the sake of a greater future reward. The second is distress tolerance, the capacity to endure a painful or uncomfortable experience without making a bad thing worse.*

What I find helpful from this dissection of patience is that it identifies two rather different inputs: delaying gratification and distress tolerance.  Each of these give me ideas for different strategies to manage my impatience. 

Explicitly acknowledging that I am delaying gratification keeps me focused on the fact that the reward is coming, I just must wait.  Being mindful I am deferring gratification lets me know what I should be doing, and thereby significantly reduces  my impatience.  Knowing that I am practicing deferring gratification is helpful, as this skill is one of the most important contributors to overall wellness and success.  Mindfully waiting for pleasure or joy also materially enhances the later happiness.

Being made to wait for something pleasurable induces an element of distress or discomfort.  Knowing this is part of the process, I just grin and bear it. Knowing the stress will go away soon enough makes waiting that much easier. I remember when I quit smoking (eighteen years ago), just by distracting myself for ten seconds it took my mind off the cigarette, and the desire to smoke would go away (and it generally did). 

Recently, I was in a slow car parade with the lead driver going 2/3 of the posted speed limit.  I practiced being patient.  I started with acknowledging that all I was deferring was the idea of getting home a little earlier.  The distress tolerance started by accepting that fact that the experience was not really that unpleasant and getting home sooner or later by five minutes was no big deal.  Seeing others behind and in front of me suggested I was not alone; misery often loves company.  Patience prevailed over getting too worked up.

I’m no poster person for patience.  However, being able to reason and feel my way through the waiting period allows my slow thinking self to take over my fast thinking nature.  Using the science behind patience does encourage greater serenity. Learning and being more patient is so good for the soul. 

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*: Rick Hanson, "Resilient: 12 Tools for transforming everyday experiences into lasting happiness"

SELF-COMPASSION*

Rabbi Hillel said:

If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? If not now, when?

Indeed, if you are not kind to yourself, then where and when is your life journey going? Too often we are better friends to others than ourselves.  That is where self-compassion starts: deeply caring about yourself and your situation just as you might be concerned for a dear friend or soul mate, and then doing something about it.  The only difference is you are also that other person.

Self-compassion is not about feeling sorry for yourself.  Rather it is about designing remedies and perspectives that see you progressing to a better place.  In practice you are starting to come to terms with some of your quirks and faults and learning to accept  and if possible, change them, just as we do of friends.  That letting go and being non-judgemental with yourself brings a sense of peace and calm. 

Compassion for yourself is where you start when things are tough, not where you stop. Self-compassion makes a person more resilient, more able to bounce back. It lowers self-criticism and builds up self-worth, helping you to be more ambitious and successful, not complacent and lazy. In compassion for your own pain is a sense of common humanity: we all suffer, we all face disease and death, we all lose others we love. Everyone is fragile. As Leonard Cohen sang: “There is a crack in everything / That’s how the light gets in.” Everyone is cracked. Everyone needs compassion.*

 This is where Rick Hanson* steps in with some interesting advice.  You should savour that calm from self-compassion and associate it with the process of healing and changing.  Reinforce, remember and repeat the connection between the positive feelings of letting go and the personal challenges you are addressing.  Self-compassion encourages you to reward yourself with your efforts to change, just as you would for a friend you are actively helping.  Being personally kind to yourself brings an internal glow of wellness; don’t overlook that sensation, rather dwell on it and use its synergy to further advance your self-help progress.”

To change your mind, you may have to change your brain. Neuroplasticity is reformatting your brain, including reformatting it to be a better friend to yourself. Self-compassion enables the transformation process to work.  Be kind to yourself, just as you would to any true friend.

 Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*:  Many of these observations are based on the book Resilient by Rick Hanson

WORRY OR WONDER?

Covid has, unfortunately, increased our worrying ability and potential.  The daily health warnings have become part of our news diet.  What shouldn’t we do today? What new risk is out there?  Health anxiety is the new normal for so many.  Is there a remedy for some of this endless and increasing anxiety? 

I will suggest one very useful anti-anxiousness strategy.  Change your perspective from worrying to wondering.  When the next caution comes out, rather than tensing up, start to ponder about the science behind the news flash and become curious and engaged.  Imagine the research behind the finding; consider the probability or likelihood that is event might affect you.  Is the risk one in a hundred, or more likely one in several tens of thousands?  

Wondering about these possibilities is empowering because the risk, once quantified, generally becomes rather smaller, often trivial and more manageable.  Wondering rather than worrying slows our thinking process down and allows us to put matters into perspective.  Fast, reflexive thinking hijacks our emotions and before you know it ‘Fight or Flight’ panic confronts us.

Worrying tends to be a defensive strategy, wondering is the opposite: putting us on the offensive and challenging simple solutions and conclusions to complex matters.  Wonder encourages awe and amazement; something new to think about.

Being cautious is a good idea but worrying too often goes beyond being prudent and becomes fearful.  When our worries do not materialize, are we grateful,  or do we forget our good fortune and speculate on something new to become anxious about? Mindfully wondering is a useful brake to this vicious and often pointless anxiety cycle.

Covid is an outstanding example of how science and calm leadership changed worrying into wonderful.  What was originally suggested would be a two year wait for a 60% effective vaccine. That became a one-year turnaround with an 80%+ efficacy.  If that isn’t wonderful, awesome and a blessing, the I don’t know what marvelous news might be.

Reframe and replace your worrying tendencies with a wondering, curious and wonderful mindset.  It will make your day so much more carefree.

. 

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WHAT IS IN YOUR CUP?

Previous reflections have considered if your cup is half full or half empty, but we overlooked thinking about the contents of your cup.  So, what might your cup contain?  Is it full of joy, disappointments, hope or sadness ??

When I imagine my cup’s contents, it is like a multi-layered pastry or rainbow.  The foundation layer is gratitude, as I try to be grateful for all the blessing and good fortune I have received.  This gratitude then sparks a profound sense of awe and wonder as I look at God’s creation and the natural beauty I am surrounded by, if only I pause to look and listen.   The next layer is joy and amusement as I remember the (mis)adventures and encounters that I have experienced and savour them. The next layer is love and hope; the kindness and fulfillment that abound when I risk letting go and being in the moment. There are more layers, but like the bottom, gratitude is also on the top level. 

I try to minimize the negative or unhelpful feelings in my cup.  These sentiments are there, and  I am aware of them, but I try to ensure that they do not overwhelm or undermine my wellbeing.

I know that your cup is different to mine, and there is no correct or better cup.  But what is refreshing is to speculate what is in your cup that makes it yours, unique to you.  Focusing on your life and what grounds and defines it is sobering.  Challenging yourself to prioritize your emotional wellbeing is constructive and insightful.  Are negative feelings defining your wellbeing?  Are your life experiences a turbulent mixture of wonderful and unfortunate circumstances, just swirling about? Does that need some sorting out and organizing?

 A cup that is structured around helpful, hopeful and joyful ingredients is bound to be better for your wellbeing.  So, what is in your cup? Make your cup work for you.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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SHALOM

Sometimes a word cannot be properly translated.  One such word is the Hebrew word SHALOM.  The nearest English translation is PEACE, but this falls far short of the richness of shalom.

Shalom in Hebrew means peace, harmony, wholeness, completeness, togetherness, prosperity, welfare and tranquility. *   And that is all implied in one word!

Interestingly, in Hebrew one may continue by asking of another, “How is your shalom (or peace)?”  Not surprisingly, given the range of feelings inferred in a single word, one can have so many different types of peace.  When we are at peace, is it harmony that we are feeling? or is it one of these other shades of wellness? Sometimes we are at peace, but at the same time troubled, as we feel incomplete or in difficulty. 

I have been pondering the idea of shalom for several weeks, trying to figure out how MY peace is right now.  Merely by pondering on the idea of shalom a peacefulness starts to develop in my heart.  Is my shalom one of completeness or tranquility or connectedness, or just the mystery of feeling at peace with my circumstances? 

I have become aware that what is really undermining my peace right now is that I am rather fed up with the fallout of the virus.  IT’S BEEN OVER A YEAR!!  However,  I still want to find peace so I need to re-define what is achievable given the various constraints I must accept and tolerate.  Sensing that my feelings  are shared by almost everyone else suggests  there is harmony, togetherness, wholeness with others; what I feel you are also likely feeling.  That makes me more tolerant and patient and soon I feel a sense of shalom and let go of my anxiousness.

One can take the challenge of shalom in the other direction and consider the opposite of shalom. 

If shalom means peace, harmony, and completeness than the opposite is when things fall apart or go to PIECES. **

The lesson here is that so often is that my peace is going to pieces.  To improve my circumstances, I need to pull things together, find harmony and commonality with others.

So, how is your peace?  See if you can piece your peace/shalom together and make it work for you.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*:  Wikipedia

**: Rabbi Rick Sherwin

A SMALLER, SMALL CUP

I am finding the drawn-out ‘sooner rather than later’ ending of the Covid situation strangely challenging.  My earlier locked-down, physically distanced time of waiting is nearing its end.  Only recently has this strange year began to really wear me down.  Maybe you hit that wall earlier.  With the end in sight, demonstrating patience is becoming ever harder.  Coping and trying to be well and positive is becoming more difficult.

The notion of having a smaller cup which is fuller (compared to a half full or half empty cup) has a new meaning to me.  Rather than just having a small(er) cup, I have had to deliberately make this cup of my expectations even smaller again.  The reality of Covid has really begun to set in: room for excitement, wonder and optimism have indeed become limited and exhausted. 

Over the past month to maintain a positive sense of wellness, I have mindfully downsized my cup of joy to keep it relatively full.  Smaller blessings and pleasures have become more joyful and meaningful.  Traveling even a few miles from home is my current travel adventure goal. 

By consciously shrinking what I expect, it has made the waiting process easier and more promising.  Convincing myself that less is better has materially improved my spirits.  It is now much easier to get excited and eager about almost anything; trivial things really matter now. 

Pacing myself to imagine that soon something resembling the old normal will return is giving me an opportunity to constructively plan for what is ahead.  Not only will my new cup of life be sturdier and initially smaller, but I am determined to savour more the simple pleasures of life.  Visits to friends will be much more special.  Being in crowds will be a welcome event.  Being able to travel slightly further afield: what a dream!

As the end comes nearer, please don’t waste the opportunity to re-evaluate and re-calibrate your post-Covid world.  Ask yourself, “What lessons have I learned that I can use to make the next chapter of my life better?”  Plan your escape and return to normality.

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AWE*

Humans are blessed with some emotions and feelings which are not found in other species. What makes humans uniquely different?  According to ancient Greek mythology, Zeus endowed humans with two special qualities.  The first was a sense of justice, to ensure that the needs of all would be met.  The second was the capacity for awe.   

The myth suggested that awe encouraged positive emotions like reverence, devotion, gratitude, and  modesty to emerge.  We feel connected to others; and a sense of unity within the community grows.  Awe make one feel small and appreciative of the wonder and awesomeness of something greater and more majestic than us.  Our common humanity brings us together and we are more willing to subordinate our self-interest for the collective good.

But where has our sense of awe gone?  The spectacular and the extra-ordinary seem to have lost their significance.  We shrug our shoulders too easily, as though something astonishing was just another Hollywood special effect.  Science and the media seem to have numbed our sense of amazement.  Perhaps we are too cynical, proud  or sophisticated to acknowledge our true insignificance.  We see something truly amazing, and rather than savour the moment and let it take our breath away, we take a selfie, and the magic is gone.

Put in a different way, empowering awe makes our wellbeing that much better.  Feeling humble, insignificant and ordinary brings harmony to our community.  The respect and reverence that awe encourages brings tolerance and inclusiveness for others.  Feeling smaller and less important makes us glow inside.  Absolute wonder brings the innocence of our youth to the fore, as we lose our breath and feel totally in the NOW.

Seek out some awe and the spectacular in your daily life; it is there and waiting if we are humble enough to see and acknowledge it.  Allow for the super-natural and you will certainly experience the awe of the present moment.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

*:  See Reverence by Paul Woodruff or Born to be Good by Dacher Keltner

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BEING ALIGNED

When a car is in alignment it travels down the road in a straight line, even when one lets go of the steering wheel.  When it is out of alignment, it veers to the left or the right, and eventually ends up way off course. If we are not in alignment, our wellbeing ends up being undermined in a similar way. Initially you may hardly notice any difference, but over time, you can find yourself seriously off balance.

So, when we think of wellbeing, what are the elements of alignment? A simple and effective summary of alignment is: Head, Heart and Hand (or thinking, feeling and doing).  Are your thoughts, emotions and actions consistent, or are some aspects of your being pulling you off-course? It is extremely difficult to be in total harmony, but when there is significant conflict between these three dimensions there is certain to be trouble ahead.

Hands are the dependent variable in our internal harmony, they take instructions from either the head or heart, and sometimes both.  Hands are the actionable tools in our public display of who we are. Sometimes both our heads (our thoughts) and our hearts (our feelings) are in harmony, but it is not always easy to hold an appropriate tension between these two.

Our heads can get so caught up in rationalizing (slow thinking) that we forget to act and just end up procrastinating, as our thoughts tie us up in impossible dilemmas or conundrums. Without strong emotions, we fail to act.

Similarly, our hearts (feelings) can prompt us to much kinder decisions which are ultimately much better for our wellbeing, but feelings can also be misleading, and we can run away with our emotions. They need to be policed by our thoughts to make wise, not impulsive, decisions. 

To better manage our wellness is it useful to check in periodically and see how well we are aligned.  Are our hands taking too much instruction from our head and not listening enough to our quiet heart and soul, or are we listening too much to our feelings and not enough to our heads? 

Our best long term navigator is when our hands, heart and hands work together in alignment.  Then the heart, acting like a moral compass, ponders the reputational consequences of our thoughts and steers us accordingly.

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

CAUSING INTENTIONS

One of the most effective strategies to improve our wellbeing is to intentionally re-frame our experiences in ways that are helpful, hopeful and constructive.  The challenge is how to make this re-framing a more automatic habit.

What I find  useful is to start by defining positive emotions that aid wellbeing (the list below details the ten positive emotions identified by Barbara Frederickson*):

Gratitude: Appreciating something that has come our way as a gift to be treasured. 

Hope:  A belief that things can change and be better in the future.

Joy: Feeling bright and light. 

Love: All the positive emotions when they stir the heart to engage and share with others in constructive relationships.

Pride:  A managed and modest feeling of achievement.

Serenity:  Savouring the moment; feeling that things are so right and comfortable. 

Amusement: Something unexpected but non-threatening happens that simply makes you laugh.

Awe:  Experiencing goodness and amazement on a grand scale.

Inspiration: Feeling uplifted; seeing better possibilities than usual.

Interest:  Feeling open and alive; your horizons are expanding with new possibilities. 

Next, I ponder whether there are other synonyms I have for these emotions which speak to me. Then I identify what I consider to be the opposite of these feelings.  To finish, I complete a simple exercise of breathing in the positive feelings and intentionally letting go of  its negative opposite. 

For example, I pause for about two minutes (ten breaths) and recite in my mind the following phrases:

Breathe in GRATITUDE, let go of GREED

Breathe in HOPE, let go of DESPAIR

Breath in JOY, let go of SADNESS

Continuing in like manner for the next seven emotions.

The fruit of this exercise is that gradually the positive emotions become more familiar and relevant. When their opposites emerge, I intentionally have a strategy to reject them in favour of their more optimistic partner. 

This exercise may take a little memory work to create and remember your intentional emotional pairs, but the consequence is you will have a deliberate well-being plan that is yours and works for you.

*:  Positivity by Barbara Frederickson

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

INTERPERSONAL CONTACT

Often, I wonder how we, as humans, can come to such different conclusions when considering some of the important challenges facing us.  Whatever the issue: the environment, politics, race relations, sexuality, or religion, the differences and nuances of opinion can be myriad.  As a society, are we getting less tolerant of those who disagree with or differ from our own viewpoints?  Do we even know or strive to really understand what makes others take such radically opposing views to ourselves anymore, or do we just seek out those who agree with our standpoints?

We can all harbour prejudices or negative stereotypes towards those who disagree with us.  I do not like this conclusion, but I must accept it has some merit.  So how can I turn this situation around?

Two psychologists* completed a meta-analytic study on prejudice by reviewing the finding of over 500 studies, involving 250,000 participants in over 35 countries.  They came to an obvious but powerful conclusion.  Simply put,  interpersonal contact is one of the most effective ways to reduce prejudice. I found this finding very consoling and helpful.  Those troubling concerns I noted earlier are largely because I have no real contact with those with views or backgrounds different from my own and consequently, I form stereotypes which are often unhelpful or unkind.

It is problematic that I have too much contact with like-minded, socio-economic, ethnically similar people.  I must remember that we are a small minority of mankind.  Social media, news organizations and our own busy schedules can easily make it convenient to form associations of friends that are exclusive and insular. 

I must challenge myself to make more contact with  those who are different from me.  I must try to deliberately be more inclusive and tolerant.  I must accept the fact that others have a natural and legitimate prejudice against me, because they do not any have contact with me. 

Acknowledging and accepting that I have a natural but unhelpful tendency to be prejudiced is a good place to start in terms of turning this situation around.

*: T. Pettigrew and L. Tropp,  Does Intergroup Contact Reduce Prejudice? Meta-Analytic Finding, 2008

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

SAVOURING THE MOMENT

A major tenet of mindfulness is to live in the present moment.  We are cautioned about venturing into the past, lest we ruminate in doubt and regret.  Savouring is an emotion and state of being which can be based partly in the present tense and partly in the past, depending on how we practice it. So what is savouring? 

Savouring is synonymous with appreciation. It covers all three senses of the word appreciate: to be thankful for something, to acknowledge the quality of something and to increase the value of something.   It is about really noticing, appreciating and enhancing the positive experiences in our life. By savouring we slow down and consciously pay attention to all our senses (touch, taste, sight, sound and smell). We stretch out the experience and concentrate on noticing what it is that we really enjoy. Through learning to savour, we can increase our capacity to notice what is good about our life, as well as appreciate these moments more fully. Evolutionary psychology suggests that humans have an inbuilt survival mechanism, called the negativity bias, which means that we tend to notice bad things in life before we see the good things. By mindfully savouring, we can  counteract this negativity bias and we can increase our well-being.*

Being in the present moment is about slowing down, concentrating on the  positive aspects of our experience and pondering how and why it feels so special.  What is the beauty that is lifting our spirits?  Is it the colour, smell, shape that is bringing us joy?  Speculate what is so right and if possible, share it with whomever you are with.

Savouring past joys is a habit I have matured.  It often starts with mindfully causing wonderful memories with the specific intent of remembering and reliving these memories later.  These are not ‘selfie’ memories, but rather special moments to savour now and remember for later.  When I savour in the NOW,  I ponder how I might re-create that serene moment again.  At other times I rummage through my memories and see if there was a similar joyful moment earlier and join that recollection with this past experience.  By savouring glorious moments, it crowds out disappointing incidents; I let go of those troublesome recollections and inventory my blessings.  Savouring is pro-active gratitude.

For me, savouring is one of my most powerful and effective antidotes to disappointment and regret.  Savouring fills me with gratitude and serenity, and life does not get much finer then that.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

*:  A Practical Guide to Positive Psychology: Achieve Lasting Happiness by Bridget Grenville-Cleave

TODAY, TOMORROW OR YESTERDAY

I recently came across several wise observations about the consequences of not being  fully engaged in the present. Corrie ten Boom said,

Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength – carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time.*

Joyce Meyer has written,

Wisdom is our friend; it helps us not to live in regret. I think the saddest thing in the world would be to reach old age and look back at my life and feel nothing but regret about what I did or did not do. Wisdom helps us make choices now that we will be happy with later.*

Nicky Gumbel noted,

At one point in my life I developed a tendency to catastrophise – especially about my health.  I was really helped by someone who pointed this out to me and said that to catastrophise means to ‘overestimate the danger of tomorrow and underestimate your ability to cope with tomorrows challenges.*

There are three states of time: the past, present and future. Mo Gawdat ** studied how we divide out our present moments by living between these three-time frames, whether positively or negatively.  He summarized his findings, noting that we tend to spend most of our time in negative and other than present tense mindfulness.  We are preoccupied with the past or with the future, and can often experience negative  feelings (regret, sadness, remorse, despair, guilt, disappointment, anxiety, doubt, or fear). These emotions tend to overwhelm our present moment. 

Living in the present moment is a constant challenge.  When feelings of regret, despair, or anxiety flood our minds, try to draw your mind back to the present moment and away from negative worries or regrets. Replace negative emotions with more positive, hopeful ones, by deliberately choosing not to focus on negative emotions.  Being more in the NOW is an unnatural habit, but one worth mastering

*:The Bible in One Year – a Commentary by Nicky Gumbel

**: Solve for Happy  by Mo Gawdat

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

HAVING FEWER CARES

Between Covid, politics and elections, the economy and the environment, there seems to be no end to the number of things that one might be anxious about.  Unfortunately, anxiety is inversely correlated with well-being: the more anxious you are, the less you will feel well.

In the last few months, I have decided to:

·         stop watching the news before I go to bed,

·         avoid the newspapers with their sensationalist take on everything,

·          largely boycott violent or pointless movies. 

Essentially, I have put myself on a diet of reduced negative or unhelpful stimuli. I have removed from my agenda matters which are beyond my control or influence to positively improve. Instead, I look for hopeful or helpful experiences which can encourage a sense of gratitude and optimism.

Letting go of so much noise certainly has made my world much lighter and more manageable.  I have less concerns to worry about and feel less overwhelmed.  Having fewer cares is most empowering as you become more carefree.  This focuses your attention on what really matters, where to put your energy and resources and how not to get caught up in concerns beyond your control.  There are about a dozen things on my agenda that I pro-actively care about and for each it is solutions, not complaints, that I concern myself with.

One of the upsides is in realising where I can make a difference. I can align my priorities with my worries.  Take Covid, something on everyone’s hit-list of angsts.  Are you going to get all worked up about finding a vaccine, where the next hotspot is, who isn’t wearing a mask or how we are going to pay for the consequences?  Or will you sensibly, caringly, and non-judgmentally use physical distancing, wearing a mask and a smile to reduce its spread?  Or the environment: how about just doing your part to reduce your eco-footprint and picking up the litter near your home?

Having fewer cares actually means caring more about your local situation. It involves thinking about how you can enact change in line with your values. It significantly improves your wellness.  The calm which this optimism encourages naturally evokes gratitude, the ultimate well-being vitamin.

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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TIME OUT**

Do you often feel rushed and stressed?  Do you wonder where all that time went?  Do you imagine you are busier and have less leisure time than those of earlier generations?

Actual data tells an interesting story. British workers worked on average 1,813 hours per year in 1979, and in 2015 worked 1,674 hours per year; Canadians went from 1,841 hours to 1,482 hours over the same period; Americans from 1,829 to 1,790 hours and the Germans from 2,186 hours per year in 1979 to 1,371 hours per year in 2015.*  With the exception of pre-historic societies (who apparently are estimated to have worked 1,773 hours per year), no one has had more free time per year than ourselves, yet we often don’t feel relaxed or rested.  Why the dis-connect?  Why do we feel such time poverty?

There are lots of reason why we feel rushed and ill-at-ease with leisure and relaxation time.  Start with productivity.  The reason we have the extra time is because we are more effective and efficient with our working hours and we apply the same mindset to our free time. We want to maximize the output per hour of leisure, a contradiction in terms.  Can we multi-task and relax at the same time?  Not really, but we try none-the-less. 

‘Busy, rush, quick, fast, more’.  We seem to be addicted to activities that feed our anxious nature.  Are we afraid we may discover something about ourselves if we slow down?  What will others think if  we aren’t busy?!

Then there is TV, the 800-pound gorilla in the room, which on average we watch over 22.5 hours of every week, not including streaming services such as Netflix.  And afterwards, we confess watching TV is one of the least meaningful leisure activities we do.  Yes, TV does provide pleasure, but it is rather short on purpose, which is where the guilt comes from.   An excellent starting point to solve the ‘busy’ dilemma is to monitor media consumption. Often, this is where our leisure time gets drained.

‘Time perspective’ refers to whether you are typically living in and focusing on the present, the past, or the future and whether that focus is positive, neutral, or negative. When you have time out, are you focused on the present moment in a positive way or pondering/planning the past or future with a worrisome or anxious perspective?

If we want to benefit from our leisure time, the science suggests focusing on relationships, constructive experiences, acts of kindness (volunteering), slowing down (no multi-tasking), fitness, and personal growth.  As they say, smell the coffee and savour the moment.

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*:  Source: www.Clockify.me/working-hours

**:  Some of these ideas came from, Time for Life: The Surprising Ways Americans Use Their Time, by John Robinson, Geoffrey Godbey

DESSERTS

Last week, I visited a quaint bakery which had a wonderful and inspiring sign on the wall:

DESSERTS is STRESSED spelt backwards.

Just what I needed to see and do.  I don’t know about you, but I am getting Covid fatigue. Putting a wellness spin on these troubling times is beginning to wear thin and at times hollowing out.  I know it is okay to not be okay, but that doesn’t make being mindful and hopeful easy, pleasurable or purposeful.

This simple suggestion has become my quiet mantra as I must intentionally and mindfully re-frame these sterile and stressed times to keep my spirits up.  When I find my feels becoming challenged and negative, I remind myself of the DESSERTS versus STRESSED trade-off. 

I consciously ask questions such as: Where is the silver lining in my circumstances?  Where can I find stories with happy endings and exalt the positive aspects of our times? How can I frame my situation to encourage a hopeful, constructive outcome?  How much of my imagined situation is awfulizing and ruminating self-talk? What news articles or outlets should I avoid?  How can I neutralize the stress? Where is the dessert (peace and contentment)?

We have been in Covid lockdown mode for at least five months and there is more to come unfortunately.  What is your Covid mental health survival strategy?  What triggers and reminders do you need to activate  protect yourself against the gloom?

When you feel you are becoming stressed, think about desserts and frame your moment so it is sweeter and better.

Physically distance, never socially distance.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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YOUR EXPLANATORY STYLE

Imagine the scene: something noteworthy happens to you, evoking an emotional reaction, and later that day you describe the event to a friend.  The way you explain this event goes a long way to summarizing your state of well-being, and how you view your circumstances in terms of being an optimist or pessimist.

One way of looking at optimism and pessimism is as different explanatory styles. An explanatory style means the way we explain our experiences or the events which happen to us. Research has found that optimists and pessimists have different explanatory styles. Optimists attribute the cause of NEGATIVE events and experiences to external, specific,  and transient factors.  Pessimists do the opposite; they attribute the cause of bad events to internal, global and permanent factors. Interestingly, these positions are reversed when we explain POSITIVE events and experiences. Optimists think about good outcomes as being personal, permanent, and pervasive, whereas pessimists think the opposite (external, specific, and transient).*

But is this the end of the story for a pessimist? No!

Intentionally, you can challenge your pessimistic summary of events and experiences by changing one’s explanatory style.  One highly effective way of becoming more optimistic is to monitor your explanatory style and challenge the negative explanations you make. Psychologists call this disputing.  

It may sound pompous or naïve that when something wonderful occurs you take credit for it and presume it to be the new normal.  Or when things go poorly, to assume that is it not your fault and an exception.  But would you rather assume it is your fault, pervasive and permanent? That is usually not the whole picture and anymore truthful either. 

Dare to be intentionally hopeful, modestly proud, and grateful for your blessings.  Let go of ruminating about life’s missteps and taking them personally, assuming they will persist.  Being an optimist won’t necessarily change your life, but it will significantly improve how you experience your life. And isn’t that one of the goals of improved well-being.

Physically distance, never socially distance.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

*: A Practical Guide to Positive Psychology: Achieve Lasting Happiness, Bridget Grenville-Cleave

PAUSE AND PLAN

Hard wired into our psych is the “fight or flight” reflex. 

This reflex is an almost instantaneous physiological response to a threatening challenge. What happens? The amygdala portion of our brain shuts down most of our bodily functions.  Instead a flood of  adrenaline and extra oxygen goes to vital muscles, so that we are materially stronger and quicker than normal.  Our senses are on high alert.  Simultaneously, our alarm system also shuts down our prefrontal cortex (the hippocampus), that portion of our brain which is inclined to reflecting, pondering, and thinking. 

We are almost 100% impulsive and 0% thoughtful.  This is a good idea when confronted with an imminent life-threatening danger. The problem is that the fight or flight reaction is a little trigger happy.  It is not especially discerning about whether the “risk” is real or imagined, serious or minor.  So how can our amygdala be better managed? 

Suzanne Segerstrom, a psychologist at the University of Kentucky studied this challenge and called it the pause and plan response. It all about self-control and willpower.  She noted:

The pause-and-plan response differs in one very crucial way: it starts with the perception of an internal conflict, not an external threat. You want to do one thing (smoke a cigarette, eat more at lunch), but know you should not. Or you know you should do something (submit your tax return, go to the gym), but you would rather do nothing. This internal conflict is its own kind of threat: your instincts are pushing you toward a potentially bad decision. What is needed, therefore, is protection of yourself by yourself. This is what self-control is all about. The most helpful response will be to slow you down, not speed you up (as a fight-or-flight response does). And this is precisely what the pause-and-plan response does. The perception of an internal conflict triggers changes in the brain and body that help you slow down and control your impulses.*

So, what is the take-away?  The next time you feel an urge to do something that may not enhance your well-being, pause and plan rather than go on automatic pilot.  Focus on whether your action (or inaction) conflicts with your better instincts and longer-term purposes.  Just by a slight shifting of our attention, half the battle is won, and you can empower your hippocampus to do its job.  In the longer run you will be better person because you paused and planned.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

Maximum Willpower: How to Master the New Science of Self-Control by Kelly McGonigal

TELESCOPE OR MICROSCOPE?

Are you viewing life through a telescope of wonder and promise?  Or are you viewing life through a microscope of what is missing and remiss?  Are you looking upwards with awe and amazement or looking inward with disappointment and longing? 

When I look upwards, whether at the moon, clouds, blue sky or that distant hill it usually inspires me about the awesomeness of my surroundings and good fortune.  Pleasure and joy are the more frequent emotions.  When I look forward, I do see beauty but also walls, traffic, and other obstacles. I feel grounded and grateful for my bounty. When I look down, I too often see litter, cracks in the sidewalk and don’t feel especially positive.  And when I start looking inward what I see too often is what is missing, not what is there.

It is essential to be mindful of your circumstances and challenges, and to have compassion for those that are less blessed. These microscopic perspectives on your present moment keep you grounded and real.  But does this depict the present moment as an opportunity full of promise or just more of the same-old same-old?  Being introspective or retrospective limits the possible perspective of looking upward at a richer now.

Telescoping upward in your present moment opens wonder.  Have you ever looked at the moon on a clear night, or a view of a distant mountain, or a seascape and felt disappointment?  Yet when you microscope inward do your spirits generally improve?  Yes, please ponder who you are, where you are at and mystery of life.  But spend at least as much time looking up at all the beauty around and above you.

Given a choice of whether to use a microscope or a telescope to look for what is and isn’t there, give me the telescope any time.  What is beyond is infinite and limitless, whereas what is within is finite and limited. Do spend more time looking upwards: there is a lot out there that is outside our imaginations.

  Please be kind, patient and thoughtful to your partner and others.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.