THE MARRIAGE POSITIVITY RATIO

Being married or in a committed primary relationship is a puzzle with an amazing prize.  Figuring out how to make the relationship work beneficially for both parties is challenging but well worth the effort.  Members of constructive, happy, primary relationships have improved health, well-being, longevity, resilience and income. (1) One renowned psychologist expanded on the finding of a colleague and made the following empirical finding:

Psychologist Barbara Fredrickson discovered that experiencing positive emotions in a 3-to-1 ratio with negative ones leads people to a tipping point beyond which they naturally become more resilient to adversity, and effortlessly achieve what they once could only imagine. (2)

Another psychologist John Gottman, however, found a different ratio in a different context. He found that for a marriage to succeed, there must be at least five times as many positive interactions in the relationship as negative ones, a 5:1 ratio that Gottman dubbed the “magic ratio,” more commonly known as the “Gottman ratio.” (3)

If you put these two ratios together side by side, you immediately understand why marriage is so tough. We demand a 3:1 positivity ratio for all our daily experiences, except in our marriage, from which we demand even more. In that sense, we all behave more sternly toward our partner, and we judge them far more harshly than we judge mere acquaintances. Maybe if we understand that, we could give our partner a little bit of a well-deserved break, and maybe marriage would not be quite so tough. (4)

Acts of kindness and expressions of gratitude towards your partner sometimes go undone or unsaid because of the busyness of life.  Similarly, partners can judge the other too frequently or bluntly.  Time to go back to the basics: pro-actively love your partner as yourself.

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(1): Ilona Boniwell, Positive Psychology In A Nutshell: The Science Of Happiness (McGraw-Hill, 2012)

(2): Barbara Fredrickson, Positivity, www.positivityratio.com.

(3): John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail . . . and How You Can Make Yours Last (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1994)

(4): Chade-Meng Tan, Daniel Goleman, Jon Kabat,  Search Inside Yourself: Increase Productivity, Creativity and Happiness [ePub edition] 

SUCCESSFUL GIVING AND KINDNESS

Recently I came across three interesting and complementary studies on the benefits of giving and kindness. 

 The first was by Elizabeth Dunn. She noted that there is a virtuous circle: giving improves your well-being, and improvements in your well-being increase your willingness to give in the future. (1)   

 Following up on this idea, Sonja Lyubomirsky found that doing five acts of kindness on a single day, rather than spread out over a week, significantly improves the effectiveness of your actions in terms of making them habit-forming. (2)  The concerted, deliberate and concentrated focus on acts of kindness in a single day, once a week for six weeks, changed the individual positively and built the foundations for sustained wellness.  It is as though there are economies of scale for kindness.

The third finding on giving was the most curious and counter-intuitive.  Adam Grant’s research found that successful givers (givers that can sustain and increase their charitable giving over time) not only cared profoundly about others, but were mindful of how being charitable was in their own self-interest, as it enhanced their own well-being.   They aligned what mattered to them with what would make a difference to those they were giving to.  We might feel that it is somehow wrong to think about ourselves in the context of giving, but it seems not. Grant argues that being other-focused or self-focused aren’t at opposite ends of the same spectrum; they’re different, separate motivations. In fact, it seems that being high on motivation to help others and high on drive to achieve our personal goals is what enables successful givers to give extraordinarily over a sustained period of time.

Grant describes two different types of giver: ‘selfless-givers’ and ‘other-ish givers’. Selfless givers are high on other-interest and low on self-interest. In the longer term, they can pay a price for giving their time, money and energy without regard for their own needs. Other-ish givers are high on both concern for others and on their own self-interest, meaning they can successfully maintain giving over time. Clearly neither is selfish. (3) (4)

Taken together, empirical science strongly suggests that acts of kindness and giving are strongly linked to personal well-being, especially when combined with an attitude of gratitude.  Furthermore, implementing a lifestyle of planned, deliberate and other-ish giving is an effective WIN-WIN approach to personal well-being.

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(1) : Aknin, L. B., Dunn, E. W. & Norton, M. I. (2011). Happiness Runs in a Circular Motion: Evidence for a positive feedback loop between pro-social spending and happiness. Journal of Happiness Studies, 13(2), 347-355

(2) : Lyubomirsky, S., King, L. & Diener, E. (2005). The Benefits of Frequent Positive Affect: Does Happiness Lead to Success? Psychological Bulletin, 131, 803-855

(3) : King, V. (2016). 10 Keys to Happier Living.  Headline Publishing Group

(4) : Grant, A. (2013). Give and Take: A revolutionary approach to success. Hachette UK

PLEASE, THANK YOU AND SORRY

I was recently at a meeting where a young parent spoke about one of his prouder parenting moments.  He glowed as he noted that his two and three year old children said “Please” and “Thank you” sincerely when the occasion warranted it. 

 Together with “Sorry”, “Please” and “Thank you” are some of the words that we would all would like to hear spoken more often in society.   Saying please, thank you and sorry graciously, unconditionally and with sincerity speaks volumes about an individual’s character. These three terms also give us insight into how an individual views their current situation and themselves. We instinctively warm to people who do not think of themselves too highly, and who show proper respect towards the feelings of others.

 Please show respect as it honors the responder and reflects that you are in need and obliged to someone else.  Thank you shows gratitude, one of the attitudes most essential to well-being.  Thank you affirms your helper or donor and opens them up to being helpful in the future.  Unfortunately making mistakes is part of life, such is the human condition.  To say sorry is not license to continue to offend others, but it does start to remedy a hurt.  Saying sorry recognizes that you are aware that you have hurt others and wish to reduce their discomfort.  Sorry also admits your human frailty as you accept responsibility for your shortcomings. Being mindful of possibly being sorry keeps you alert to others and their feelings. 

 Unfortunately there is too little expression of please, thank you and sorry today. Rather, many feel entitled, selfish and indifferent to the plight of others.  Make it your habit to follow the example of those who sincerely, graciously and unconditionally say the magic words, “PLEASE, THANK YOU and SORRY” whenever they fit the situation. 

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COMPASSION?!?

The idea of compassion has long intrigued me.  When I think of some of the Nobel Peace Prize winners (for example Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, the Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, Malala Yousafzai), I recognize compassion in action but I still do not know how I can be better at being compassionate. 

Looking up compassion in the dictionary (sympathetic consciousness of others' distress, together with a desire to alleviate it [Webster] or sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others [Oxford]) was helpful, but still did not connect with me, as it sounded so abstract. 

Finally, I read the wonderful and inspiring book “The Book of Joy” by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu and the simplest and most concise summary of compassion was provided, being:

Can I help?      or     How can I help?

Now, looking back at the Nobel Peace Prize winners I was able to identify the common theme to their character, a selfless willingness to help others, especially when the odds were stacked against them.

Regularly pondering how you can help others in your community or the world at large is an excellent step forward in practicing compassion. Science has found that compassion is contagious; when one is compassionate, others note the kindness and are also inclined to be equally caring - a ripple effect often expands outwards and multiples.

Compassion is the compliment to gratitude: combining an attitude of gratitude with “How can I help?” will make the world a better place.

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GENEROSITY – THE TALE OF THE PIG AND THE CHICKEN

 Years ago, at a fund-raising dinner, I had the good fortune to meet a very joyful, successful and wealthy entrepreneur. What struck me and others about this person was how kind, unassuming and at peace he was.  He gave a very short speech, after which he made an impressive donation to the organization we were there to all support. I will never forget what he shared with the audience. 

The speaker told a story about a community of animals on a farm.  The most popular and befriended animal by far was Ms. Chicken.  She was never alone, highly regarded and a leader in the farm yard.  Then, there was Mr. Pig.  He had few friends, was often ignored and felt rather lonely.  One day Mr. Pig met Ms. Chicken and he ask the obvious question, which was, “What is the secret to your charm and popularity?” 

Without pausing, Ms. Chicken stated, “The reason I am held in high regard is that I give every day to the community, and you give only once.  Simple as that.”

Don’t delay in your generosity until you are older, or writing your last will and testament.  Enjoy and savour the bounty of charity by making it a frequent and habitual part of your life journey.  And again, remember the three T’s of time, talent and treasure.  You must have a surplus of one of these that you can share with others. Regular giving of small amounts of time or treasure often has much more impact on those around us than grander, one off gestures.

Please give than live, rather than the reverse of living than giving.

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You Experience Tens of Millions of People Every Day!

Look at whatever you are holding or using this very moment.  Perhaps it is a pen, a phone, a cup of coffee or an article of clothing.  How many people were directly involved in making that item, going right back to its basic raw material, assembly, transportation, trading and selling of these components and finished goods?  Then add those people indirectly involved in this item, those that had invented and assembled the tools required for its production.  And then add those involved in the various other supply chains required for that item to be in your hand this very moment.  Certainly tens or hundreds of thousands were involved in just this item, not to mention the many others things you interact with today. Added together just for today, I am sure well over 10 million people made your day happen. 

SO WHAT??!! Anyone who imagines themselves to be self-reliant and independent overstates their self-importance or significance.  We interact with all these people and need each other for our very existence.  Their effort, touch and presence allowed for your day. 

If you are interconnected with that many people every day, should you be selfish and uninterested in their wellbeing?  Or appreciate their input into your wellness?  You are so inter-connected with and in need of others that their well-being should be part of your mindfulness and concern. 

Being kind, thoughtful and respectful of others will make your life more human and meaningful.  Similarly, today tens of millions of people indirectly experienced you.  Wouldn’t it be nice if they acted kindly, thoughtfully and respectfully towards you?  Making others day and life better WILL equally improve your situation and condition.  

Truly, what goes around, comes round.

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Significance

There is a story about Mother Teresa (Noble Peace Prize 1979) being on an airplane and sitting next to a passenger who was extolling his amazing achievements; CEO of a huge company, possessions, fame, network of influential business leaders and fortune.  You know and can imagine the person.  He was unaware that the listener was Mother Teresa. 

Mother Teresa finally interrupted the gentleman by asking a simple question:  “What have you done that is significant?”  Despite his career highs; the thousands of adoring shareholders, the countless subordinates and employees and the awesome salary, he was silenced, deflated and probably disappointed or embarrassed. But where was his significance agenda? There is a natural tendency to pursue success and forget or negate significance.  Urgency overwhelms purpose, as ever larger survival urges overwhelm longer term wellness. 

Along your life journey regularly ask if there are opportunities for significance and higher purpose in your daily actions.  Start by thinking small and locally; do a random act of kindness, volunteer, put yourself out to help someone else, mentor a subordinate - seek simple service gestures, as these opportunities are countless.

One of the more powerful tools or habits that brings a sense of well-being and contentment is serving others.  It will improve your spirits, your local community and your world view.

Significance, and the purpose it engenders, encourages a cycle of improved wellness and wholeness. Significance encourages joy to flourish around and within you.  Start to look for significance opportunities, and you will find they are everywhere. 

Balance your life and career so you both do well (personal rewards) but also do good (benefit others).  “Doing good” is your significance agenda and challenge.

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Do unto Others as You would have Others Do unto You (The Golden Rule)

The Golden Rule of life is expressed in many cultures and religions as an essential part of living and being part of a more meaningful life.

Being more thoughtful and aware of others has immediate pay-offs and instructive rewards.  Consciously holding the door open, giving up your seat, letting someone else speak, complimenting someone, letting that car in or helping someone with their luggage all trigger an immediate sense that you are mindful, thoughtful and in the moment.  Being altruistic is one of the blessing largely unique to human beings, something that defines our humanity.  Selflessness elevates one spirit the same way gratitude also does.  An easy and obvious way to implement the Golden Rule is to be of service to others. Added together, gratitude, selflessness and service compound their benefits in improved wellness.

Cultivating the habit of being more selfless opens you to being more aware of the kindness of others.  If you want your world to be kinder and more whole, start from within and project thoughtfulness; over time other will notice and reciprocate in random and wonderful ways.  Also, observe and acknowledge the kindness of others that you receive. The world is much kinder than you imagine but you have to look out for the many blessings we receive.

The reward of the Golden Rule is the gold it bestows on you; kindness, purpose, wellness and being part of a larger, more meaningful world.  Start causing the gold and cashing in.

 

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Campsite Rules

The campsite rule is: “When you leave the campsite, try to make it a little neater, cleaner, better then when you arrived.  Take away a little more litter than is yours.”  

Whereas I don’t camp much (almost never), I apply this rule to the community I live in.  The world is too weird, complicated, confused and often angry, but my local and immediate community does not have to be that way.  At the end of the day we spend at least 99% of our life in a very small, confined and intimate world of our home, local community and workplace.  Rather than fretting too much about the unfairness of the geo-political world, why not focus a lot of your attention and effort on your rather small world and seek to make it kinder, friendlier and tidier.  Your nicer local campsite makes the larger world more tolerable and accommodating.                           

I have a habit of seeking out litter as I walk along; picking it up.  Smile at the clerks in the shops that you frequent.  Greet the bus driver with a Hello and say thanks when you get off.  Hold the door open in the elevator.  Help strangers who seem lost.  Give up your seat on the bus or train.  Let that car that is try to cut in, in. Seek out ways to make your neighborhood a better place. Start an uplifting and positive conversation with that person standing next to you. Your community is your campsite, deliberately make is a nicer and friendlier place.

It may seem trivial and unimportant but, at the very least it makes you a little prouder and more positive about your world.  Curiously and wonderfully over time your immediate surroundings will feel more like home.  And your example may inspire a few others, and that is how change happens.    

Think globally, but act locally.  Make your campsite more awesome. This is pro-active, community based wellness in action.

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