Kindness is complicated. What is it that makes being kind different from being nice, compassionate, thoughtful, or benevolent? Kindness seems to be all of these qualities and yet something more. But what exactly are those extra ingredients?
I’ve been reflecting on this for several weeks and perhaps I have a sense of what it might be. Authentic kindness has several dimensions, each slightly different, but together they make up what it means to be truly kind.
The first aspect is whether kindness is conditional or unconditional. “I’ll be kind if you do/are …” This type of kindness carries an expectation, as though it is almost a barter or exchange. We offer help when there is some advantage to us but hold back when there is not. True kindness, however, does not measure or calculate—it is given freely.
The second dimension concerns words and actions. We may be kind in our deeds but careless in our speech. Or we may offer warm praise yet fail to follow through in action. People notice whether there is consistency in our overall behaviour before they describe us as kind.
A third variable is whether the kindness is judgemental or non-judgemental. Is our kind action influenced by a prior innocent or unconscious value judgemental as to whether the recipient of our benevolence meets our value expectations.
Wow, these first four parameters are challenging, but that is why authentic and complete kindness is so challenging. But there is even more!!
The fourth element is whether kindness is deliberate or automatic. It is good to be thoughtful and intentional, but the challenge is to let kindness become our natural or default state—a reflex rather than an effort.
Another aspect is whether our kindness is local or expansive. Are we thoughtful only to those we know, or do we extend our care to strangers? Reaching beyond our familiar circles can feel risky, but it is where kindness often has the greatest impact.
Finally, there is the question of whether kindness is public or private. Sometimes our caring actions are on display; at other times, they remain unseen or even anonymous. The less performance and the more spontaneity there is, the more authentic the kindness tends to be.
Being kind in all these ways is challenging, and few of us manage it perfectly. Yet that does not mean we should stop trying. Each attempt of being kind strengthens our kindness muscle. Random acts of kindness may puzzle those used to a conditional world, but precisely because of that, they can inspire others to be more generous too.
PS: Many of these criteria could be used as metrics, or as a framework, to evaluate many of our actions and consider whether they arise from the highest and most noble of emotions. But do accept your flawed human nature, and don’t be too hard on yourself.